Isolation Thought

I am convinced that the chick in the Kohl's Christmas commercials used to be on ESPN's "BodyShaping". Omigod, she's married to ESPN's Chris Fowler! Who knew?

Meal of Links

Free Fiona Apple. I got nothin'.

Just a thought, but is George Clooney not promoting "Ocean's Twelve" because of a bad back...or because it sucks?

Freak Boy finally lost on "Jeopardy". Ahead by $4,400 going into "Final Jeopardy, Jennings stumbled on this Business and Industry clue: Most of this firm's 70,000 seasonal white-collar employees work only four months a year. Jennings wrongly answered, "What is FedEx?" Real estate agent Nancy Zerg of Ventura, Calif., responded, "What is H&R Block?" I guessed the IRS. At least, I got the gist of it. As Keith Olbermann said, "It's Brokaw, Rather and now Jennings leaving."

Exercise Yard

Cleveland Browns Version 2.2 dropped today. Butch Davis had to go because the fans have had enough. But if you look at this season, he went to overtime against the Eagles, beat the Ravens once, went to the last play in the Ravens other game. That's not bad. But really bad games against the Steelers probably cost him more than he would like to admit, as the team decided not to show up for those games. I'm not a Davis fan, as he was an awful evaluator of talent, causing the new GM and coach to blow it up and start over again. Look for Phil Savage of the Ravens to get serious GM consideration. We can worry about a coach after that choice is made.

Visitor

60 Across: Singer Campbell (4 letters) Answer: Glen

Isolation Thought

I'm sitting here watching Hall and Oates "Headline Act" on VH1 Classic. I really like their songs, but their collection of videos has to be the worst of any major act out there. They are awful.

Meal of Links

The new Band Aid single got released today. Should be #1 soon.

The AFLAC duck makes his acting debut in "Lemony Snicket".

Here is a Yahoo! screen capture from 1996. Yes, technology moves fast.

Exercise Yard

Barrera-Morales III is considered the fight of the year and the replay is on Home Box this Saturday. I've read claims ranking it with Ali-Frazier II as one of the all-time best.

Visitor

9 Down: Rags-to-riches author Horatio (5 letters) Answer: Alger

Isolation Thought

If you get a chance, watch the one-man show on Showtime by Christopher Titus. It is called "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding". It's 90 minutes and I laughed really hard for most of them. You may remember him from his Fox show.

Great quote from the Norfolk State coach, Dwight Freeman, after the CSU loss: "They did what they had to do to win, and we did what we had to do to lose." Genius.

Meal of Links

The father, the son and the holy toast. OK, I stole it. It's funny.

How to kill yourself like a man.

As stated earlier, manners are very important at Thanksgiving. Note to Palacios family, you may not want to invite Uncle Frank next year.

Exercise Yard

The best "Seinfeld" sports moments. Come on!! Kramer tossing chin music at Joe Pepitone during Yankees Fantasy Camp was Honorable Mention? My God, it resulted in him knocking out Mickey Mantle: "...somebody pulls me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down, and woah man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out."

Kramer drops the names of Moose Skowron, Hank Bauer and Clete Boyer. It's also the episode where Babu Bhatt gets deported. Easily in the top 5.

Visitor

None, it's Sunday.

Isolation Thought

Open letter to owner of Chevy: The act of putting a parking ticket you received onto my windshield does not absolve you of payment. Officer Marshall, I'm on the case.

I went to the Cleveland State basketball game today for a rare matinee contest. They played Norfolk State, which played an ugly game. Norfolk had real problems scoring at the start of each half. CSU had an 11-0 run to start the game and Norfolk went a long, long time without scoring in half number two. CSU wins, 79-47. Hard to tell where they stand until they play Kent in two weeks.

Went to Pacers for the first time after the game. You know, where they serve the best ribs in the world or some other self-designated title. It wasn't too bad. They had some steak bites that were pretty good and I had some grilled salmon that was OK. But the highlight for me was hearing what beers they had on draft. The typical Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light, MGD and then something like "Ghenny's and Gilligan's". I already had my mind made up on MGD before I heard the last two, but I believe she was referring to Guinness and Killian's. Last time I looked, those were not hard to pronounce.

Meal of Links

A bunch of oil spilled into the Delaware River. But what about the mud?

Remember those kids who sang on "Another Brick in the Wall" by Pink Floyd? They want their royalties. "We don't need no education...just some good lawyering."

The world's best and worst parks. I have actually been at the 4th best square or plaza in the world. And the 3rd worst. Fair and balanced.

Exercise Yard

It looks like Ron Artest found some work. "...the same trajectory as regular beer."

Visitor

21 Across: Ray of "Unlawful Entry" (6 letters) Answer: Liotta

Isolation Thought

Another Thanksgiving is in the books. I'm announcing that I am a free agent for next year's Thanksgiving. I am auctioning off myself quite early to ensure the best possible Thanksgiving...for me. Here is what I could bring to your table:

1. A decent appetite. (However, I do not eat yams nor cranberries. Nor related items.)
2. Impeccable manners. (Well, at least I say please and thank you.)
3. I provide banter, repartee and even whimsy, if you prefer.

An example of Number 3 from yesterday. The scene: Little kid wants to play Transformer Power Rangers (he had two of 'em) in the worst way with unnamed adult.

Kid: "Will you be evil?"
Adult: "No."
Kid: "Come on."
Adult: "It's a holiday. I don't think we should be evil today."
Kid (in truly a From Mouths of Babes moment): "Well, I know we're both good, but can one us of be a little bit bad, so we can play."
Adult then relays story (I witnessed the original) to everyone, resulting in mega laughs. However, kid puts his hands over his ears (earmuffs!!) and shuts everyone out. His holiday ruined because he thinks all are making fun of him, because of unnamed adult.
Adult (looking at me): "Don't even say a word."
Jim: "Hey, man. I'm Switzerland on this one."
Adult: "Yeah and I'm Nazi Germany."
Jim: "And that poor kid is Poland...in 1939."

So, start the insanity!

It always puzzles me why anyone would go shopping on this day early in the morning. The key is don't look for the "doorbuster" sale types, look for the really good deals you think can last throughout the day. For instance, two insane deals at Best Buy. Spy Sweeper, a really good anti-spam software was cheap along with insane deals on memory for digital cameras. I strolled in after I went to Thistledown and plenty of stock on those items and no lines. See, people tend to hit these stores early or it's a mall day. These stand-alone places work out well. The early part of next week is also a great time to shop. Never understood the early Friday stuff. I'm waiting for the switch to 4:30 openings.

Thistledown was OK. Not a very good weather day. I didn't last very long. Hit a $60 exacta in the 6th and it was get outta Dodge time.

Meal of Links

If you like words, check this out.

This explains why that woman in Akron was so upset that her collard greens were stolen. BTW, I saw this story on Action News yesterday. Did anyone see the 4:00 or 5:00 editions where everyone was wearing a sweater. My God, the old anchor at 4 looked like he should have been smoking a pipe. And the 5:00 crew needed a fireplace as a background. Very strange.

Salma and her Hayeks are worshipped by an entire African tribe.

Exercise Yard

Florida Atlantic seniors decided to skip practice as a stunt. Whoops, they didn't think the coach would be mad.

Visitor

45 Across: Actress Rogers (4 letters) Answer: Mimi

Isolation Thought

Nothing beats starting Thanksgiving with Hangover Remedy No. 76, some Gatorade and a few whole wheat pretzel twists. Gatorade should come out with a milk flavor, so I could pour it over Raisin Bran. Anyhow, there is some serious stuff falling from the sky right now. It appears to be rain, freezing rain and snow all lumped together. Kinda noisy, but I didn't plan on having to scrape my car today. But it lasted all of about 2 minutes. My Thanksgiving priorities are out of whack just a bit, when my main goal is to find a Daily Racing Form for tomorrow's action. Most head to the malls, I head to the track.

Mushy time: Hopefully, we all have many things to be thankful for. Number one on my list is all of my friends and family. I consider myself lucky to have somehow stumbled upon such a great group of people and their participation in my life causes me to be eternally grateful.

BTW, a huge pox should be sent Kmart's way. Why is this store open on Thanksgiving? Give your workers a break. It reminds of the old Zayre's stores. Remember when they were the first to have 24-hour shopping during the holidays? I guess it worked because they kept doing it, but have you ever been in a messier store during December? Can't fault them too much though, because I bought Devo's first album there, and I have a bit of fondness for them.

Meal of Links

Murphy and Tabish found not guilty of Ted Binion's death. Their first trial was covered in the book, "Positively Fifth Street", a terrific book about poker by James McManus. One of the best reads I've had in a long time.

Tom Shales checks in with some "Seinfeld" commentary. I watch these shows, know what's coming and I still laugh out loud.

Here is a list of the Top 50 cover songs ever.

Exercise Yard

Be thankful we have LeBron. Probably the greatest star this town has had since Jim Brown. And he's not yet 20 years old.

Visitor

47 Across: "Losing My Religion" band (3 letters) Answer: REM

Isolation Thought

I think this is one of those nights where I think, better yet know, I'll be somewhat hungover throughout the holidays. Because I would say my current condition is near blotto. Which makes it extremely difficult to type. As the guy at Ajax Liquor Store would mention, "I'm just trying to work up enough nerve to go to confession." Happy to be living in not a red state (I almost spelled that read), not a blue state, but a state of incoherence, I'll try and slug my way through this.

Meal of Links

Here's an economist who predicts an economic Armageddon. But he doesn't have the cojones to go public with his prediction. Happy Thanksgiving.

A tribute to turkey hand art. Who says we don't teach our children anything in school. Happy Thanksgiving.

Can we get through maybe one holiday without an article on tips about the holiday? Happy Thanksgiving.

Exercise Yard

Icing a kicker actually works. Unless you're Phil Dawson and owe one to the mob.

Visitor

Across Down: Cooke of "Letter from America" (8 letters) Answer: Alistair

Isolation Thought

I failed to mention I was traumatized on Sunday at Giant Eagle. No, it wasn't 15 items packed in 15 paper bags. Well, it was, but that was not the reason for horror. The lines were long and I was in a hurry to watch the Browns game. I finally moved into the on-deck slot, where you put your items on the belt while waiting to pay. Then I notice this lady in front of me looking at what I bought and suddenly I became very territorial. I noticed she was eyeing my jar of cocktail sauce. I had purchased a jar of Heluva Good. Then I see her actually pick up the jar and start reading the label. Then she put it back. I must say, this freaked me out and I couldn't speak.

Who does this in line? Who picks up one of your items without asking? Why not a "Hey, I noticed that jar." or "Mmmm, I didn't know Heluva Good made cocktail sauce." or "Why don't I mind my own freakin' business and not pick up that jar and annoy that guy." I mean I don't make comments like, "Who buys Trix cereal, you loser." or "Milk of Magnesia. Oh, who has a sore tum-tum?" or "Cheetos suck, old-timer!" I'm still amazed. Please, if you see me at the grocery, keep your meathooks off of my stuff. And speed up the line.

Meal of Links

A trip down memory lane. The 1984 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Only 20 years ago, but it seems we were not too picky about our entertainment value back then.

This billboard of our President congers up images of a an old travelogue from say, China or Russia.

Dan Rather is leaving CBS News. The race to find his replacement is tighter than the lugnuts on a '55 Ford.

Exercise Yard

It'll cost you more to see the Red Sox next year. Make that the World Series Champion Boston Red $ox.

Visitor

36 Across: Singer Apple (5 letters) Answer: Fiona

Isolation Thought

I know I keep crowing about it, but "Arrested Development" is the funniest show on TV. Both "The Simpsons" and "Arrested Development" made me laugh out loud several times yesterday. I can't imagine anyone else even being considered for the Michael Bluth role besides Jason Bateman. His work on this show is stellar, especially for someone who had been given up for dead, as far as series work was concerned. Each week, I feel this show cannot get any better. But it does. Martin Mull is now on as private investigator, Gene Parmesan. Everyone needs to watch it.

Meal of Links

It appears that VHS may have died in Britain over the weekend.

Robin Quivers may get her own daily talk show. Which pretty much clinches that all of us will eventually get our own talk shows.

What the hell is Target.com selling these days?

Exercise Yard

Nine folks from the Pistons-Pacers brawl have already filed assault charges. I think this is a picture of the person Ron Artest hit first.

Visitor

9 Across: '50s variety show host "Lonesome" George (5 letters) Answer: Gobel

Isolation Thought

Cleveland State basketball has started and as a season ticket holder, it was good to see them win yesterday. With that win they have reached 25% of their win total from last year, which illustrates the train wreck that was the 2003-2004 season. Of course, they defeated Hillsdale College, that bastion of conservative discourse. It is a Division II school not known for developing the Terrell Buckleys of the world, but more like developing the William F. Buckleys of the world. But no matter, a win's a win and the pep band was back!

But the highlight of any Saturday evening game is the post-game dinner at Sokolowski's. I love it there and it wasn't too crowded. Salisbury steak (my favorite), mashed potatoes (as Joe Tait would say, "Wham with the right hand!"), corn, salad and lemon meringue pie washed down with lemonade. Instant sleep.

Meal of Links

The grand reopening of the MoMA is debuting this week to strongly positive reviews.

The Rolling Stone list of the top 500 songs of all-time. Let's compare, as I love these artists. There are 4 Al Green songs and only 3 Elvis Costello songs. And except for "What's So Funny (Bout Peace, Love and Understanding)?", all of the Reverend Al's tunes rated higher and "Tired of Being Alone" is only 9 behind Elvis. Green's version of "Take Me to the River" is 117, and the Talking Heads cover of that song (and EVERY OTHER SONG they ever did) is not on the list? Uh-uh. I like Salt-N-Pepa's "Push It", but not one Heads song is better than that? Ouch. U2 has six and The Who have five on the list. The debate begins.

A primer on how to fold a shirt. The video must be from that TV show, "The Iron Mom".

Exercise Yard

You know the Browns suck, when the first article on them appears in today's Plain Dealer on page (ahem) C-15.

Lat night, another of my favorite boxers, Winky Wright, pounded out a decision over "Sugar" Shane Mosley on HBO. Both fighters exuded class and professionalism.

Did Michigan play yesterday? I have this link, but didn't read it.

Visitor

None, it's Sunday.

Isolation Thought

For some reason, I have an overwhelming rush of Christmas spirit today. I am compiling some holiday CDs and I must say if you are going to buy any Christmas music this year, it's probably gotta be Chris Isaak. His version of "Mele Kalikimaka" is a killer, as it really shows off his vocal range. And the Barenaked Ladies have a pretty good disc out, as well.

I started to compile my Christmas list and realized there are a lot of good books out there this year. I've pretty much given up on CDs, as I download most of my choices anyway. But I'm still working on it, as I have some DVDs and the usual stuff.

So I did some live holiday shopping (I can't believe it either) by visiting the friendly folks at Borders and dropping a bundle. And with the sale at Deep Discount DVD, I'm getting a head start on the online stuff.

Meal of Links

Judging appears to be getting tougher and tougher. Skating, gymnastics and now the National Book Awards all seem to suffer from increasingly strange decisions.

Everything you wanted to know about the samples on the Beastie Boys' "Paul's Boutique". They were successful defendants against a sample (for which they had paid) lawsuit recently. Although the Sugar Hill Gang is now filing one.

Once again, they found the Missing Link. Well, not really THE Missing Link, but kind of like his brother-in-law.

Exercise Yard

Things got pretty ugly at that Pistons-Pacers brawl last night. There appeared to be not enough security personnel at the Palace. Because these players and fans were really throwing down. The funniest part was when these two jamokes wander onto the court and Ron Artest, then Jermaine O'Neal, blast these guys with some big time blows. Apparently they forgot NBA players are big men. Looks like Artest may get some time off to promote that CD anyhow. And the Pacers probably become even more of a tight-knit team. Tough for the league, too, on a day when Dwyane Wade is fast becoming a superstar in the league by hitting a last-second game winner. The good thing is we can now stop talking about T.O.

Quick note: At least Michigan coach Lloyd Carr responded cordially to halftime questioning this year at the OSU game.

Visitor

58 Across: "All right, everybody line up alphabetically according to your height" speaker (7 letters) Answer: Stengel

Isolation Thought

It's the time of the year when I start dreaming of gadgets. The absolute worst thing to show up on my doorstep was the Crutchfield Christmas catalog. Then Best Buy shows up today and gives all Reward Zone members no interest until 2007. I have uncontrollable shakes currently. Must...have....gadgets...No, stop it!...Losing...strength....L......C........D............T................V. Aaargh!

Meal of Links

And everyone thought that calling shotgun was easy.

"But I don't wanna be a pirate!" Same episode that has George getting a job as a hand model. "Don't worry about me, I won a contest." Coincidentally, "The Contest" is this evening's episode.

So this lady's on her deathbed and points the authorities to her dead husband. He wasn't really taking a dirt nap, he was kind of in cold storage. I think she not only had the fear of God, but I think she may have forgotten to update her next of kin information, and got caught.

Exercise Yard

From the land of unfortunate headlines.

Visitor

16 Across: Beatles girl with a "little white book" (4 letters) Answer: Rita

Isolation Thought

While sitting around waiting for "Pom Pom Perverts" on Fox 8 News tonight, I'm wondering when the NFL Network will come to digital cable.

But I can't be ecstatic enough about XM Satellite Radio. On the way home, I hear Beck, XTC, Haircut 100 and Sinead O'Connor all in a row. I'm telling you, it beats the old car radio by a mile. And the Christmas channels start in a week!!!

For those days when you sit to write and say, "I got nothin'." Here are some tips to whip writer's block.

Meal of Links

For those who are living in a cave, here is the T.O. MNF video that everyone is yapping about. Note T.O trying for the Emmy. He makes Don Drysdale's late 60's sitcom appearances look like "Hamlet".

Jude Law takes the title of "Sexiest Man Alive". People Magazine has obviously never visited Cleveland.

The Leonid Meteor Shower is tonight, if you're up late and the clouds go away. That'll wrap it for this century, as the Leonids come back in 2006 and then go away for a long time.

Exercise Yard

Does anyone realize that the Detroit Tiger payroll will be $70 million next season? It appears they are making a commitment to winning. The Tigers started by signing Troy Percival. Keep this in mind as the Tigers sign more free agents and the Indians payroll rests at about $35 million for next season.

Visitor

32 Across: "Love Story" costar( letters) Answer: O'Neal

Isolation Thought

It can't be a bad day when you find $42 in your pocket. Maybe I can buy some Dead Schembechlers merchandise. I like Michigan, and even I think it's funny.

Meal of Links

Here are a couple of Sharon Reed photos.

How to make the best paper airplane in the world.

If you run into G-Unit's Young Buck, tell him he's wanted. By the police.

Exercise Yard

Today is not only Butch Davis' birthday, it's also the "Heidi Game" anniversary.

Visitor

13 Across: Actor Guinness (4 letters) Answer: Alec

Isolation Thought

The curse of Marc's continues. I defy anyone to go into that place and leave with just one item. It starts with milk, then sour cream, and by the time I'm leaving I have kosher dills and diced tomatoes, among other things, in the cart. Unbelievable.

Meal of Links

I missed Sharon Reed getting naked "for the art" (and record ratings) on Action News last night. But here's a story from the hooker anchor's past. Let's hope weatherman Biff doesn't follow suit.

Now they're mashing videos. Here's the Grey Video, combining the Beatles and Jay-Z. I think it's pretty cool.

How to respond properly to e-mails that piss you off.

Exercise Yard

R. Kelly. Sex Tape. With Gary Sheffield's wife. I wonder how old she was when it was taped.

Visitor

28 Down: Onetime Mrs. Bogart (6 letters) Answer: Bacall

Isolation Thought

I'd hate to think the highlight of yesterday's Browns game was receiving a Chunky Chili coupon. Hell, we even suck in the Click for Cans contest.

Did anyone see Anna Nicole Smith at the American Music Awards? The video shows she was drunk. Maybe she is a Browns fan.

Meal of Links

Here's how the Band Aid single is going to be split up lyrically.

A nice ODB obituary.

For those who wanna make loud music. Click QWERTY and let the fun begin by choosing what you want played.

Exercise Yard

Red Bull buys the Jaguar F1 team. And it looks like American drivers might be in their future.

Visitor

35 Down: Bert's Muppet buddy (5 letters) Answer: Ernie

Isolation Thought

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Browns fans.

Randomness from today's Browns home game:

My brother Jeff was today's special guest. He was present at the only game the Browns Version 2.1 (they were Version 2.0 at the time) defeated the Steelers at home.

Early word was that William Green and Joey Porter were ejected. Before the game! Would seem to favor the Browns on that exchange. Nope.

Today's giveaway: Browns Number One foam finger from Alltel. I think I'll pass, although Cowher and the Steelers were told to sit on it many times.

The cold weather seemed to have killed the smells everywhere, except during the second quarter when I believe someone died in my section.

Running game was non-existent. I like Garcia, but once again his two turnovers were killers. An interception at the Steeler goal line and a fumble returned for a TD. Unacceptable.

The G.E. Smith Band has now progressed from the Budweiser Barking Lot to inside the Stadium to a field location to now having a dugout on the field protecting them from the weather. I am anticipating a glass-enclosed booth by the end of the year. Still don't know how they can play in December. Jeff rightly points that those old-timers from that little combo at Municipal Stadium seemed to play in the winter all the time. Duly noted, but maybe they were drunk.

See ya next year, Winslow. Dude.

A sedate crowd in Section 345 (and most of the Stadium), but lots of Steelers fans and they were loud.

Best line from me (to a drunk wearing a Browns helmet, which I think he bought at Silverman's, walking up the aisle carrying a beer): "Hey, Couch. How ya doin'?"

Best line from a random (to the ref, after he gave the Steelers a TD which was negated, standing on the one): "Hey, Ref. You have an IQ equal to the yardline you're standing on."

Best defacing of a #2 jersey: Really didn't see any.

Oddest Browns jersey (Three-way tie): 56 Rainer, 12 Testaverde, 42 Kirby

Best shirt (a really nerdy guy wearing a t-shirt with blurred lettering): "No Sex Causes Bad Eyesight"

$4 hot dog was purchased.

Asinine halftime contest is still there. Neither team crossed the goal, one didn't cross the 50. Horrible. Flag football was also played at the half and was fun.

Beggar solicitations: 1 (after the game on West 6th...not Marvin Connor.)

Some boas today (even worn by one guy), but no lap dancing.

Bad high school cheerleading.

Drunks were actually under control today, given the rivalry, and no ejections from our section.

The sing-along from Dave & Buster's. The song: "Old Time Rock and Roll". Again. Have they stopped at four songs? They didn't even have the lyrics up and just played the video of Tom Cruise from "Risky Business". Once more, my hatred for this song prevented any singing. Am I at a Browns game or a wedding? Today's crowd dutifully ignored it.

Once again, the Browns season ends in November: "Stick a fork in me, Bobby Hill. I am done." Looks like Cleveland Browns Version 2.2 is in beta testing.

The Browns second coldest (at least I was not freezing...freezing...freezing), but worst home game of the year. Browns lose, 24-10.

Meal of Links

How to make cheap vodka taste like good vodka. Now with my January unoccupied by Browns football, let the experiments begin.

Damn. Why did I remove Old Dirty Bastard from my 2004 Dead Pool? His 13 children will miss him.

Anyone up for a dog toy or marital aid quiz?

Exercise Yard

Omar Vizquel is no longer an Indian. Must have a good agent, because he got three years out of the Giants.

Visitor

None, it's Sunday.

Isolation Thought

First concession to the holiday season: the purchase of the Christmas cards.

However, with apologies to U2 (think of me the next time you see the iPod commercial):

Uno, dos, tres, quatorce

Hello hello
From Aisle 9 of Giant Eagle-O
They sell me shit that I don't even know
Except they give me these 10-for-10 deals
Deals

Of course, I was at the Iggle and that tune popped into my head. Not just because of the 10-for-$10 items, like apple juice. That one always cracks me up. I never buy apple juice and I see it in the weekly and actually say, "Mmmm. That's a good deal on apple juice. Maybe I'll get a couple. Doh!" Progresso is good on a 10-for-10, apple juice is not.

All of the shelves are now festooned with "We've lowered our prices" tags. As my Dad says, "Hah. Lower prices. See, they admit they've been screwin' ya for years. And we keep goin' back."

Anyhow, I needed to buy some barbecue sauce and has anyone seen this brand, "Bone Suckin' Sauce"? Now, maybe if you're local grocer was Doc Johnson or even Mr. Whipple, but I'm not sure I could buy it, in fear of a price check.

Meal of Links

Looks like Cheney lost his breath about a month late.

Modest Mouse is on SNL tonight. They'll do "Float On" and "Ocean Breathes Salty". I really like those two songs.

Lawyer watches "Law and Order". Says, "Hey, that's me." Sues. "Law and Order" writers get idea. Ripped from the headlines. Same lawyer watches that show and...

Exercise Yard

A UC Bearcat with a worldwide following.

Visitor

37 Down: Erich Weiss's stage name (7 letters) Answer: Houdini

Isolation Thought

I know they needed to bury Arafat quickly today, because of Ramadan. But that scene of the body arriving in Gaza was as disorganized a sight as I've ever seen. It was so comical with reporters saying, "Shots are being fired not in anger, but in celebration..." (don't those bullets have to land somewhere?) and the scene of the Jeep trying to transport the body from the helicopter was straight out of the "Keystone Kops". Very funny.

Meal of Links

I will go on the record and say even though Bill Maher is getting sued, his taste in women seems to have surpassed O'Reilly.

66 affiliates (including our own WEWS) cancelled ABC's running, on Veterans' Day mind you, of "Saving Private Ryan". Welcome to the post-Janet world.

A doctor says all food allergies could be eradicated within ten years.

Exercise Yard

I see where Gerard Warren wants to throttle Ben Roethlisberger on Sunday. Fine with me, and I admire the fire. But wouldn't you feel better about it, if the bounty came from a guy with more than 5 tackles on the season?

Visitor

31 Down: Actress Palmer (4 letters) Answer: Lili

Isolation Thought

I am reprising my starring role as "Tingly Chin" (my devastatingly handsome Asian spy alter ego) as I went to the dentist today. Man, when that anaesthetic gets into your gums for a while, it feels like that rush you get from a Peppermint Patty, only it doesn't go away.

I've been to the dentist so much this year, he told me I can do the prep for them the next time I go in (Hey, I've got your distal lingual, Bud). I started this root canal on September 9 and finally get the crown in on December 1. This canal (I should say canals) procedure will have taken 4 visits when all is said and done. I may not qualify for their 401K, but at least I have free use of their copier. But everything looks good and the next visit will not include any drilling or foul-tasting, gummy impression material.

Meal of Links

I really can't think of a more horrifying phrase than "Liza Minnelli forced sex on me."

Carson Daly won't burn a Yankee hat for charity. Poser.

Did you know that D.G. Yuengling & Son is America's fifth-largest brewery? I'm not sure I've ever had one.

Exercise Yard

My world ranking in the Sporting News Fantasy Basketball League is 937 out of 163, 017. But I'm third out of three in my league. Go figure. My team: Bron Bron and Michael Redd at Guard. Antawn Jamison and Chris Bosh at Forward. Alonzo Mourning at Center and clearly the best, cheap find, Bobby Simmons at 6th Man. Not bad, thus far.

Visitor

59 Across: 1973 "Battle of the Sexes" loser (10 letters) Answer: Bobby Riggs

Isolation Thought

I see where Chad Johnson of the Bengals was strolling by the ticket office, so he decided to buy fans some tickets for the game. I like the guy. His end zone celebration last year with him posing and Peter Warrick acting like a photographer was one of the funniest endzone celebrations I'd ever seen. And this year's MNF introduction as "Chad Johnson...THE Oregon State University" was another gem.

Meal of Links

29-year old woman has sex with 8-year old boy. Woman's mother blames boy. Should be on "Springer" soon.

I'm melting.

A writer on "The Simpsons" admits it isn't the same as it used to be.

Exercise Yard

NASCAR allows spirits sponsors. Crown Royal already in. If Old Grand-Dad sponsors someone, well, he better be good.

Visitor

63 Across: Deanna in "Star Trek: T.N.G." (4 letters) Answer: Troi

Isolation Thought

I see that "The Polar Express" finally gets released tomorrow. I bought the book for a friend a long time ago as a Christmas present for her son. I can't pinpoint the exact year, but I wonder if it was a first edition. If so, I am an idiot. Even Grisham first editions bring a lot of money. I guess that is because no one reads anymore. Very sad.

Meal of Links

What makes a racehorse fast? And why do I bet on the slow ones?

Arafat has broken the records of Generalissimo Franco and Yuri Andropov for having died the most times. Like a cat.

I know this Van Gogh guy was kinda famous and all, but jeezy-creezy couldn't they find a better picture.

Exercise Yard

Can someone at the Tennessean wake up and realize the NHL is not playing.

Visitor

37 Across: Husband-and-wife singing duo (13 letters) Answer: Steve and Eydie

Isolation Thought

This day did not start out well, as I didn't get my morning paper delivered. That just sucks when that happens, especially after a Browns game. Then that means I cannot do the crossword at lunch. The newspaper is so much a part of the waking up routine. You know, getting rid of eye snot, scratching yourself and coughing up a major loogie. I mean who among us doesn't do that?

But I went to the CSU-Ohio Dominican exhibition basketball game. For years CSU has been pretty light on the dance team and cheerleading squad, but it looks like they may have full squads this year. Dance team especially looks like they have one or two girls who are using this as a stepping stone to the Cavs Dance Team. I guess I won't doze off during the game anymore. I suggest playing "Love Shack" during every timeout. CSU won. I think it was like 100-78 or something.

Meal of Links

Oh my. I watched the first episode of "My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss" and it made me laugh out loud a couple of times. It's a keeper. And there are a couple of cuties on this one, as well. Instead of "You're fired!", it's "Get the hell out of my office!"

Jim Belushi is suing Julie Newmar, the old Catwoman. A pur-r-r-r-r-fectly per-r-r-r-r-plexing story.

Michael Madsen joins the ESPN poker series "Tilt". I can actually picture him in the role of Don Everest, aka "The Matador". I hope he busts someone in the face.

Exercise Yard

God bless Raymond Bourque of the Bruins, now a Hockey Hall of Famer. The night he gave up the No. 7 sweater for 77 on Phil Esposito Night (to permanently retire the No. 7), epitomizes why hockey fans revere their legendary players.

Visitor

18 Down: Mel of the Giants (3 letters) Answer: Ott

Isolation Thought

I'm sure you've floated through the shopping channels and have noticed this weird guitar-playing dude, Esteban. I may be late to the party on this one, but now he's selling his guitar in a half-hour infomercial, which is pretty cheesy. He has a live audience, while he goes on about why his guitar is the best. I've often wondered about the crowds who show up at these things, do they get free product or free coffee? I mean I can't see sitting in some studio for hours to say something profound like, "Set it...and forget it!" Or my favorite, the nodding in agreement with what the host is saying, while looking demonically at the person next to you, as if to convince them to buy the product.

Meal of Links

California passed the law that pumps $3 billion into stem-cell research. Flood gates are officially open.

Here's the backstory on why the Jay Z. and R. Kelly tour crashed and burned. My favorite line about R.: "McDonald's makes him feel like a regular person." Ha ha ha.

Mexico is running out of donkeys. We seem to have plenty of jackasses running around ths town, if you need 'em.

Exercise Yard

I was waiting for a long time for the Kostya Tszyu/Sharmba Mitchell fight yesterday. Tszyu is my favorite fighter (he's the best pound-for-pound right now) and he's been off two years, battling some health issues. But it took him only three rounds to knock out Mitchell, in a fight I can only describe as beautiful.

Visitor

None, it's Sunday.

Isolation Thought

Had a discussion last night that included many topics, one being astrology. I don't dismiss it as a load of crap, but I am curious to see every once in a while what's in store for me and my fellow Geminis. Geminii? Gemini-i-i-i-i-i (an homage to the I-I guy.) Here is what mine read for today:

Mind and emotions could be prey to agitation early today because crossed communication may cause snags. Keep the Boy Scouts' motto in mind and "Be Prepared" for a change of plans. Romantic stars will shine late tonight and tomorrow.

Well, I slept in today, because of demon rum, so I wasn't able to get agitated. I guess it would have been nice to be prepared as everything got pushed back a little bit. I'm watching the Tszyu/Mitchell fight tonight and the Browns tomorrow. I love Tszyu and the Browns, but I'm not romancing either. So, I guess today's horoscope didn't count.

Meal of Links

The creepy Mr. Wendy gets sacked like a drive-thru order. I guess this time, it is official.

I've decided I have a thing for Robin the recptionist on "The Apprentice". It's amazing how quickly one becomes famous these days. BTW, it looks more and more like Jennifer is a finalist.

Here's the background on why Kobe Bryant's accuser bailed on the criminal case.

Exercise Yard

Ted Ginn is, unquestionably, the fastest football player I have ever seen.

Visitor

30 Down: McBride of "Boston Public" (3 letters) Answer: Chi

Isolation Thought

I see the Christmas commercials have already started. I've seen one for Lowe's and another for Big Lots. A mite early, I say.

Although, if you think about, it's 3 weeks until Thanksgiving and another 4 until Christmas. Don't wanna rush anyone buying me gifts, however.

Meal of Links

Yoko Ono has the Number One Dance hit in America. I haven't heard this yet, but techno beats probably cover up most of the flaws in the record.

Our friends in the UK don't like Dubya much. Check the headlines page.

Slots come to South Florida.

Exercise Yard

Let's go on a cruise. With Rusty Wallace. Fun events like the Rusty Wallace look-alike contest.

Visitor

9 Down: Playwright Henley (4 letters) Answer: Beth

Isolation Thought

If you want to move to Canada because of the election, you'll have to wait like everyone else.

Meal of Links

Rob Lowe is now suffering from David Caruso Disease. Sudden unpopularity.

Mandate, what mandate?

The Brits force the pharmaceutical industry to lower prices.

Exercise Yard

A transsexual qualifies for the Ladies European Tour.

Visitor

14 Across: Composer Schifrin (4 letters) Answer: Lalo

Isolation Thought

Here is how I spent Election Day:

5:00-I voted today and was Number 386 in my precinct. There was actually a person voting in every booth and we even had some new voters, which was very encouraging. I voted for the "good" O'Malley, BTW. And I had no chads.

6:00-The setting is my palatial estate. Laptop by Dell, TV by Sony. I haven't been this excited over a vote since the "Big Brother 1" finale. I'm not very comfortable presently because an "e" fell off my underwear and I'm now wearing something called "Hans". I have issues.

6:30-The Election Day Gastric Nightmare Menu is being developed. I'm not sure that all items will be consumed, but here it is: Frozen thin crust pizza by Palermo, chicken tenders by Tyson, pretzels by Utz, chips by Shearer's, dip by Giant Eagle, beer by Molson, root beer by A&W, and for way later, cocoa (via Cocomotion) by Land O'Lakes. Let's see, what else? Oh yeah, tummy medicine by Gaviscon.

7:00-And we're off...My viewing begins with MSNBC. They've concocted something called Democracy Plaza outside of 30 Rock. The usual suspects: Matthews, Scarborough, Mrs. Greenspan, Reagan and Brown. Bush wins Georgia, Kentucky, Indiana. Kerry bags Vermont. Virginia is close...good news for the D's.

7:05-They are calling victors with some vote totals, 0 to 0.

7:13-Omigod, Larry King is on CNN with Ted Kennedy. Must be after the ancient demographic. King calls Daschle the Senate "majority" leader. Idiot.

7:30-Ohio and North Carolina go for...too close. Great sign in NYC: "2 More Months". CNN says West Virginia goes to Bush. Erica Hill on Headline News is hot.

7:50-Mmmmm. Pizza. Mmmmm. Tenders.

8:00-Kerry gets Illinois, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Maryland, Connecticut, Maine, Delaware and the District. Dubya gets Tennessee, Alabama and Oklahoma. Kerry goes ahead. The "limp wrist" is slapping Bunning's face in KY. Tee hee.

8:14-Fox News gives South Carolina to Bush.

8:20-Bush grabs the lead back with North Carolina.

8:24-The lovely Norah O'Donnell makes an appearance on MSNBC. I wouldn't mind hitting her campaign trail. "Dennis!" is projected as a winner.

8:32-South Carolina goes to Bush. Fox puts Virginia in the Bush column.

8:53-Cleveland's absentee votes go Kerry's way, 64-36. Not enough. We need those late-arriving east side precincts to show up.

9:00-Bush grabs Texas, Kansas, Nebraska, the Dakotas and Wyoming. Kerry gets New York and Rhode Island. Bush's lead widens.

9:10-Kerry's daughter stumps for the old man. Blah blah blah.

9:25-I think every cable network has said "too close to call, we'll just wait some more" about a hundred times in the last 30 minutes. But it looks like no voter fraud or intimidation reported. That'll come later when one party realizes they've lost.

9:30-Derek Lowe is on QVC pushing World Series DVDs. Univision has eleccion coverage. Boy, they talk fast. My alma mater is tied at 13 at the half on ESPN.

9:33-Lesley Stahl's hair looks like a mop.

9:34-Tim Russert's "magic map" is now electronic. Kerry needs Ohio. Desperately.

10:04-I stepped away for a bit and I don't think I missed anything. Utah went for Bush. Boy, Arlen Specter has a tough go in the PA Senate race. Arkansas goes to Bush.

10:12-I went over to Fox 8. Issue 1 went down in flames, so to speak. Ohio is now the most anti-gay state in the Union.

10:25-Nader concedes and the only network there is C-Span. I guess the networks haven't forgiven him for 2000.

10:46-Bush lets the cameras in. He's still acting very chimpy. I fire up Cocomotion with Land O'Lakes Caramel. Bush takes Arizona. Kerry grabs Pennsylvania. I think it's slipping away for Kerry. LaTourette is kicking ass.

10:55-Ernest Angley just gave someone their sense of smell back. He is amazing. Fridays at 7:00 is when the healing line happens. "No one has ever loved you as Jesus has loved you." Maybe he can heal the Cleveland schools.

11:00-Idaho goes to Bush. Washington and California go to Kerry. He's back in it. Where is Ohio, dammit.

11:15-Ohio supposedly has people in Knox County that have been waiting 9 hours to vote. Alan Keyes is crazy. He just quoted John Paul Jones. Ohio is now a green state. What's on the naked channel? The "Bikini Escort Company" does not start until 1:45.

11:25-I declare Bush the winner in Florida, because I'm tired.

11:50-Elizabeth got fired again on "The Apprentice". "What the hell is missing with you, Elizabeth?" Trump: "That was a no-brainer and it's done." Ohio still not declared. Hey, Brooke Burke is on "The Big Idea" tomorrow.

11:59-James Carville is dead on. He just said on CNN that if you win three debates, have a shitty war in Iraq and lots of folks losing their jobs and you still lose the election, then it's time for the Democratic Party to reassess. What if this damn thing ends up 269-269? How old is Paula Zahn? She looks good.

12:06-Oregon goes to Kerry. If this ends up 269-269, and Kerry loses the popular vote and winds up as CIC, will they take back the 2000 comments about Bush not being their President? Montana to Bush.

12:19-Did I forget Poland? Dan Rather: "Close, close, close. Ohio is where it is."

12:26-Channel 5 says we are the epicenter of the election. Guess what? Those late-reporting east side precincts hold the key. The election board guy says we'll know by 2:00.

12:32-Stephanopoulos reminds me 269-269 goes to the House and Bush will win. Rather just said, "If you had to bet the double wide..."

12:42-Rather: "His lead in Iowa is as thin as turnip soup."

12:51-Are all of these other states just waiting for Ohio?

1:00-Bush wins our goddamn state and Alaska. BTW, what was my popular vote pick, 52-47? I am pretty good.

1:09-I don't think I've recovered from Ohio going to Bush. I think I'll be surly if Lurch blows this. What happened to this state of ours? Jerry Springer to the rescue!!!

1:15-CBS still hasn't declared Ohio. WTF?

1:20-Newtie is on Fox and he's kinda cocky. It's awfully quiet at Kerry's party. Daschle looks like he's going down. Looks like he and John Edwards can go fishing. When's that bikini movie coming on?

1:30-Is the hope for Ohio the provisional ballots (24,000 in these parts), which cannot be counted until the 13th. Maybe next time I'll vote often. Kerry won Callahooga County by 217,000, but the fundies in the state made up that deficit. Do the Amish vote? Maybe the buggy Dads didn't vote.

1:39-Dan Rather is still making excuses on why they haven't declared Ohio yet. It seems if they call Ohio, we all go to bed. Looks like New Mexico is going to Bush. Christ, Kerry is losing Iowa. Fox gives New Hampshire to Kerry.

1:45-The bikini movie starts. There is one girl in here with manufactured arthritis. NBC has Wonkette on.

1:55-Locker room sex in the bikini movie. Arthritic girl and some guy who looks like Shaggy from "Scooby Doo". Several positions acted out poorly.

2:00-Kerry still behind by 114,000 in Ohio. Bush: It appears that my opponent will try "Li-ti-ga-tion".

2:07-I guess Lester Holt declared Ohio for NBC. Maybe we should blame Canada. Brokaw says we've been up later than this for less meritorious activity. Do you think W. went to bed hours ago? There have been 7 Presidents born in Ohio.

2:17-Ken Blackwell, my phone buddy, thinks we have 175,000 provisional ballots in Ohio. Cabinet post for Ken if he makes Bush win this thing?

2:24-Michigan goes to Kerry. Kerry is not giving up. Ohio is the battleground. Natalie Allen is on NBC from Iowa. Remember her from CNN? John Edwards comes out to deliver the message, "Help is on the way!!!". They are fighting for every vote. Short message from Thumbs.

2:32-Hawaii goes to Kerry. Minnesota to Kerry.

2:42-Just pick a state already and put it in Bush's column. The bikini chicks are washing cars to probably save a poor relative's business.

3:00-I've had it. I'm drifting off to dream of a world where we all just get along.

Meal of Links

Wacko Alan Keyes goes down to defeat. When you get heckled at your polling place, well, you've got problems.

Early exit polls pointed to a...Kerry win. File this away for future reference.

Lloyd Braun takes over Yahoo!'s entertainment division. Remember when he blew the election for Dinkins by passing along Elaine's suggestion that everyone in NYC wear name tags?

Exercise Yard

Tom Lehman is elected Ryder Cup captain. Probably the only job more thankless job than the presidency.

Visitor

17 Across: Possible 11/3 headline (15 letters) Answer: Voters Pick Kerry

Isolation Thought

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go...

It's for all the marbles tomorrow. I had thought of attending the Springsteen/Teresa and Kerry bash downtown tonight, but I'm old and I don't want to sit in the cold and rain. How can anyone say with certainty who will win, when we have turnout estimates of 105 to 120 million. 15 million voting one way could do a lot of damage, so I think I'll keep it zipped on who I think will win, as everyone knows who I'd like to win. I'll stick to my 52-47 number though. Some Ohio news. And some more.

See you at a poll near you.

Meal of Links

Manny is having lots of fun as World Series Champ. "We want Alex."

Obviously, I have no what Sandra Bullock is like off camera. But she appears to be a likable sort. Who's hot. And has millions.

If you are bored with election results tomorrow, the Cartoon Network is showing a new episode of "Harvey Birdman". Repeatedly.

Exercise Yard

Redskins lose, so Kerry wins?

Visitor

48 Across: Model Macpherson (4 letters) Answer: Elle