Isolation Thought

Here is how I spent Election Day:

5:00-I voted today and was Number 386 in my precinct. There was actually a person voting in every booth and we even had some new voters, which was very encouraging. I voted for the "good" O'Malley, BTW. And I had no chads.

6:00-The setting is my palatial estate. Laptop by Dell, TV by Sony. I haven't been this excited over a vote since the "Big Brother 1" finale. I'm not very comfortable presently because an "e" fell off my underwear and I'm now wearing something called "Hans". I have issues.

6:30-The Election Day Gastric Nightmare Menu is being developed. I'm not sure that all items will be consumed, but here it is: Frozen thin crust pizza by Palermo, chicken tenders by Tyson, pretzels by Utz, chips by Shearer's, dip by Giant Eagle, beer by Molson, root beer by A&W, and for way later, cocoa (via Cocomotion) by Land O'Lakes. Let's see, what else? Oh yeah, tummy medicine by Gaviscon.

7:00-And we're off...My viewing begins with MSNBC. They've concocted something called Democracy Plaza outside of 30 Rock. The usual suspects: Matthews, Scarborough, Mrs. Greenspan, Reagan and Brown. Bush wins Georgia, Kentucky, Indiana. Kerry bags Vermont. Virginia is close...good news for the D's.

7:05-They are calling victors with some vote totals, 0 to 0.

7:13-Omigod, Larry King is on CNN with Ted Kennedy. Must be after the ancient demographic. King calls Daschle the Senate "majority" leader. Idiot.

7:30-Ohio and North Carolina go for...too close. Great sign in NYC: "2 More Months". CNN says West Virginia goes to Bush. Erica Hill on Headline News is hot.

7:50-Mmmmm. Pizza. Mmmmm. Tenders.

8:00-Kerry gets Illinois, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Maryland, Connecticut, Maine, Delaware and the District. Dubya gets Tennessee, Alabama and Oklahoma. Kerry goes ahead. The "limp wrist" is slapping Bunning's face in KY. Tee hee.

8:14-Fox News gives South Carolina to Bush.

8:20-Bush grabs the lead back with North Carolina.

8:24-The lovely Norah O'Donnell makes an appearance on MSNBC. I wouldn't mind hitting her campaign trail. "Dennis!" is projected as a winner.

8:32-South Carolina goes to Bush. Fox puts Virginia in the Bush column.

8:53-Cleveland's absentee votes go Kerry's way, 64-36. Not enough. We need those late-arriving east side precincts to show up.

9:00-Bush grabs Texas, Kansas, Nebraska, the Dakotas and Wyoming. Kerry gets New York and Rhode Island. Bush's lead widens.

9:10-Kerry's daughter stumps for the old man. Blah blah blah.

9:25-I think every cable network has said "too close to call, we'll just wait some more" about a hundred times in the last 30 minutes. But it looks like no voter fraud or intimidation reported. That'll come later when one party realizes they've lost.

9:30-Derek Lowe is on QVC pushing World Series DVDs. Univision has eleccion coverage. Boy, they talk fast. My alma mater is tied at 13 at the half on ESPN.

9:33-Lesley Stahl's hair looks like a mop.

9:34-Tim Russert's "magic map" is now electronic. Kerry needs Ohio. Desperately.

10:04-I stepped away for a bit and I don't think I missed anything. Utah went for Bush. Boy, Arlen Specter has a tough go in the PA Senate race. Arkansas goes to Bush.

10:12-I went over to Fox 8. Issue 1 went down in flames, so to speak. Ohio is now the most anti-gay state in the Union.

10:25-Nader concedes and the only network there is C-Span. I guess the networks haven't forgiven him for 2000.

10:46-Bush lets the cameras in. He's still acting very chimpy. I fire up Cocomotion with Land O'Lakes Caramel. Bush takes Arizona. Kerry grabs Pennsylvania. I think it's slipping away for Kerry. LaTourette is kicking ass.

10:55-Ernest Angley just gave someone their sense of smell back. He is amazing. Fridays at 7:00 is when the healing line happens. "No one has ever loved you as Jesus has loved you." Maybe he can heal the Cleveland schools.

11:00-Idaho goes to Bush. Washington and California go to Kerry. He's back in it. Where is Ohio, dammit.

11:15-Ohio supposedly has people in Knox County that have been waiting 9 hours to vote. Alan Keyes is crazy. He just quoted John Paul Jones. Ohio is now a green state. What's on the naked channel? The "Bikini Escort Company" does not start until 1:45.

11:25-I declare Bush the winner in Florida, because I'm tired.

11:50-Elizabeth got fired again on "The Apprentice". "What the hell is missing with you, Elizabeth?" Trump: "That was a no-brainer and it's done." Ohio still not declared. Hey, Brooke Burke is on "The Big Idea" tomorrow.

11:59-James Carville is dead on. He just said on CNN that if you win three debates, have a shitty war in Iraq and lots of folks losing their jobs and you still lose the election, then it's time for the Democratic Party to reassess. What if this damn thing ends up 269-269? How old is Paula Zahn? She looks good.

12:06-Oregon goes to Kerry. If this ends up 269-269, and Kerry loses the popular vote and winds up as CIC, will they take back the 2000 comments about Bush not being their President? Montana to Bush.

12:19-Did I forget Poland? Dan Rather: "Close, close, close. Ohio is where it is."

12:26-Channel 5 says we are the epicenter of the election. Guess what? Those late-reporting east side precincts hold the key. The election board guy says we'll know by 2:00.

12:32-Stephanopoulos reminds me 269-269 goes to the House and Bush will win. Rather just said, "If you had to bet the double wide..."

12:42-Rather: "His lead in Iowa is as thin as turnip soup."

12:51-Are all of these other states just waiting for Ohio?

1:00-Bush wins our goddamn state and Alaska. BTW, what was my popular vote pick, 52-47? I am pretty good.

1:09-I don't think I've recovered from Ohio going to Bush. I think I'll be surly if Lurch blows this. What happened to this state of ours? Jerry Springer to the rescue!!!

1:15-CBS still hasn't declared Ohio. WTF?

1:20-Newtie is on Fox and he's kinda cocky. It's awfully quiet at Kerry's party. Daschle looks like he's going down. Looks like he and John Edwards can go fishing. When's that bikini movie coming on?

1:30-Is the hope for Ohio the provisional ballots (24,000 in these parts), which cannot be counted until the 13th. Maybe next time I'll vote often. Kerry won Callahooga County by 217,000, but the fundies in the state made up that deficit. Do the Amish vote? Maybe the buggy Dads didn't vote.

1:39-Dan Rather is still making excuses on why they haven't declared Ohio yet. It seems if they call Ohio, we all go to bed. Looks like New Mexico is going to Bush. Christ, Kerry is losing Iowa. Fox gives New Hampshire to Kerry.

1:45-The bikini movie starts. There is one girl in here with manufactured arthritis. NBC has Wonkette on.

1:55-Locker room sex in the bikini movie. Arthritic girl and some guy who looks like Shaggy from "Scooby Doo". Several positions acted out poorly.

2:00-Kerry still behind by 114,000 in Ohio. Bush: It appears that my opponent will try "Li-ti-ga-tion".

2:07-I guess Lester Holt declared Ohio for NBC. Maybe we should blame Canada. Brokaw says we've been up later than this for less meritorious activity. Do you think W. went to bed hours ago? There have been 7 Presidents born in Ohio.

2:17-Ken Blackwell, my phone buddy, thinks we have 175,000 provisional ballots in Ohio. Cabinet post for Ken if he makes Bush win this thing?

2:24-Michigan goes to Kerry. Kerry is not giving up. Ohio is the battleground. Natalie Allen is on NBC from Iowa. Remember her from CNN? John Edwards comes out to deliver the message, "Help is on the way!!!". They are fighting for every vote. Short message from Thumbs.

2:32-Hawaii goes to Kerry. Minnesota to Kerry.

2:42-Just pick a state already and put it in Bush's column. The bikini chicks are washing cars to probably save a poor relative's business.

3:00-I've had it. I'm drifting off to dream of a world where we all just get along.

Meal of Links

Wacko Alan Keyes goes down to defeat. When you get heckled at your polling place, well, you've got problems.

Early exit polls pointed to a...Kerry win. File this away for future reference.

Lloyd Braun takes over Yahoo!'s entertainment division. Remember when he blew the election for Dinkins by passing along Elaine's suggestion that everyone in NYC wear name tags?

Exercise Yard

Tom Lehman is elected Ryder Cup captain. Probably the only job more thankless job than the presidency.

Visitor

17 Across: Possible 11/3 headline (15 letters) Answer: Voters Pick Kerry