What better way to make the season bright, as it is the final installment of "Hit Me Baby One More Time"! There was only supposed to be three episodes, and you can tell by the acts they have dredged up for weeks 4 and 5, they were scrambling to fill those positions.

Recap of last week's ugliness, won by "legendary diva" Thelma Houston. Sadly, Vernon Kay did not hear Slim Whitman playing in the background. Therefore, he did not explode and remains the host of the show. WTF? Vernon decides to start posing like Hulk Hogan. He lets us know Glass Tiger won the online poll last week. Only 58 minutes to go!

Juice Newton is first with "Queen of Hearts". Lemme say this, the Dave Edmunds version of this song runs rings around Juice. Juice has sold 10 million records. Why is she on this program? Juice has new hair...and a new face! The backup singers seem to be saving this song as one of the guys sounds exactly like Dave Edmunds. This band looks like they may have actually had a gig this century. Juice involves the crowd with overhead clapping. OK, it's over.

Animotion (or "Annie Motion" according to V.), those "synth-pop heroes", are up next singing "Obsession". "Obsession" isn't like Joan Jett's "Fetish", but it'll do. I actually heard this on XM the other day and don't think this is a bad tune at all. I like the way they sing the word "butterfly". Hey, their female singer also has new hair...and a new chest! She can't sing anymore and is still ugly. Boy, this guitarist looks familiar. The guy (who looks like Jeff Probst and Patrick Wayne's love child) gets away with his part by mostly talking his lyrics. Absolutely horrible.

Best friend calls up and says, "What was that?" Really, it was so bad, you needed to call someone and tell them.

Next up is Shannon singing her "dance kloob" hit, "Let The Music Play". Wasn't she an accountant or teacher or something. She looks about the same. We have dancers on this one. Phone rings, and although I'm wearing sunglasses at night, I can tell it's Mr. Mix. The "Hit Me Baby" backup singers are in full force on this one, as well. Shannon struggles a bit, then like Stella, finds her groove, only to give it back. She shouts out, "What's my name?" in an obvious plea for votes. Quite frankly, a pedestrian version.

DJ Minute Mix (cousin of Mr. Mix) is part of PM Dawn, who is next with a song I don't remember, "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss". The three guys come out and it appears the big guy is blind. They lead him down the stairs and over to a chair and the song starts. I remember this tune now. This is the song that used "True" by Spandau Ballet ("Spandex Boulder", hah!) as the music track. The crowd is going nuts, but I still don't like it. We just realized one of the guys is dressed in velvet and looks like Nile Rodgers. Chuck says, "Is that velvet?" a la Eddie Murphy and I recall Murphy as Velvet Jones.

Next up is Missing Persons with "Words". We're anxious to see how Dale Bozzio looks. Uh-oh. Tonight's train wreck has arrived on schedule. She comes out by herself, as Mrs. Mix chimes in that they seem to be missing some persons. She has packed on a few lbs. and is wearing some sort of gangster suit with hat, kind of like Halloween 1975. It appears she has some writing on her hand. Not sure if it's lyrics or directions to the studio. We decide that it's a crib sheet from 10th grade Spanish, casa = house. She has a poor man's Kid Rock on guitar. Her mannerisms and looks point to a hard life. Mrs. Mix decides she was wearing long sleeves to cover up the burns from a meth lab incident. This performance rivals Tutone as the worst of the series. At the halfway point, we have no idea who is winning.

Now for the new tunes. In her montage, Juice appears to have saved her money. She attempts "Pieces of Me" by A. Simpson. Was this the hoedown song? Anyhow, not bad, but weak audience involvement. Animotion tries "Days Go By" by Dirty Vegas. Huh? The guy is absolutely killing us and she is no better. Stick a fork in 'em, Bobby Hill. Wait, a guitar solo. Oh, my fucking God!!! It's the great Eddie Martinez from Robert Palmer's band!!! I knew I recognized him. What's he doing here, is Slash outta town? Shannon is next and bores us with Ashante's "Foolish".

Wait a minute. Blind Guy from PM Dawn is playing Centipede. Now we don't know if he's blind, or just fat and lazy. Chuck mentions "Pinball Wizard" as that "fat, dumb and blind kid" sure plays a mean Centipede. Anyhow, two of the guys are sitting and singing a song of unknown title, because Vernon just spoke it. Even with Tivo, I can't figure it out. Later, Third Guy Blind appears and starts handing out flowers, left from his day job, to all the ladies. This immediately cancels the sitting effect.

In her montage, Dale Bozzio sings "Words" again, this time on a boat. She has two kids and we decide "Growing Up Bozzio" would make a much better program than "Growing Up Gotti". They try "Can't Get You Out of My Head" by Kylie Minogue. I fear Kylie may be headed back to the hospital after this version. Delightfully hideous.

Put a gun to my head and I still couldn't pick a winner tonight between Juice, Shannon and PM Dawn. The audience has decided and the winner is...PM Dawn. 20 G's goes to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation (hey, where is that wristband?).

Although I hear Eddy Grant knocking on the studio door, the series is on hiatus. PM Dawn takes us out over the credits, as I focus my attention toward "INXS" in a few weeks.

Meal of Links













"War of the Worlds" does big box office on Day One. It's the magic of Spielberg overcoming the dickiness of Cruise.

Bank of America buys MBNA. Randy Lerner goes off and plays. With his cut of the $35 billion.

I think it's a chilling thought that reporters notes are being turned over to reveal sources. This is a very bad idea. Couple this with another item I heard today. The government has met with ISPs for the purpose of compiling Internet usage for every one of us. That's right, our government is seeking to know every website, naughty or nice, that we visit. If they don't comply, the feds plan to lobby against ISPs by accusing them of being "soft on terrorism and kiddie porn".

Exercise Yard

I got to see the replay of Gatti-Mayweather on HBO. Gatti got torn up real good.

Visitor

9 Down: McDonald's founder (4 letters) Answer: Kroc

I saw "War of the Worlds" after work today. I thought it kicked some major ass. Guess what? Tom Cruise runs a sprint in this movie, like he does in every one of his films. Dakota Fanning is starting to rival Shirley Temple and Jodie Foster (more on her later) for best child actress of all time. Tim Robbins is starting to nail the weirdo role pretty well. Special effects were good, the story moved at a great pace, and it wasn't preachy, so I thought it very good. I didn't think anything was too gory or violent. And I set a PB in driving home from Macedonia Commons.

There are some upcoming flicks that look interesting. The "King Kong" trailer looked much better on the big screen than in that three-minute segment on all the NBC channels the other day. Kate Hudson is in a movie which takes place in the bayou and has all the trappings of voodoo and terror. I think John Hurt reprises his role from "Alien" as a guy Kate has to take care of. At least, I thought it was him. Jodie Foster, in her movie, plays a woman who has designed a new commercial jet airliner and on the inaugural flight, her daughter disappears. That looked like a winner to me, because somebody on that plane knows something and they ain't talkin'. Of course, since she designed the plane, she knows all the neat hiding places and where they store the odd weapon in case you need it, I'm sure.

Meal of Links

In his new book, Bobby Flay is teaching us how to grill healthier. Just in time for the Fourth.

Cleveland Originals is selling some restaurant equipment at the Farmers Market at Shaker Square on Saturday, in case you need some kitchen tools or something. I'm pretty sure I'll be at the Crocker Park Farmers Market on Saturday gathering items for my holiday menu. Of course, with a quick run into Trader Joe's.

AMC Theatres are offering a money-back guarantee on "Cinderella Man". You can watch Angelo Dundee act! You must go.

Exercise Yard

I watched the NBA Draft last night. What an awful production this was. Jay Bilas kept telling everyone after each pick, "He's long" and what his wingspan was. Christ, can the guy dribble? And, as we discussed at work, where are ESPN's NBA Insiders, like Bucher or Ford? They need to be a part of this program, because it was Dullsville, man.

The highlight for me was Deron Williams' girlfriend, Amy Young. Drop dead gorgeous. I will never root against this guy again. Ever.

Visitor

6 Down: "Dracula" author Stoker (4 letters) Answer: Bram

Every so often, someone asks me what music have I been listening to. I try to always have a mix of the new and the old. Here are some tunes I have been playing a lot lately:

"Gangsters and Thugs", Transplants
"Don't Phunk With My Heart", Black Eyed Peas
"She Doesn't Laugh At My Jokes", Jonathan Richman
"Love In a Trashcan", The Raveonettes
"Stranded in the Jungle", The New York Dolls
"Golden Years", David Bowie
"Feel Good Inc.", Gorillaz
"All the Way to Memphis", Mott the Hoople
"L.S.F.", Kasabian
"Fight the Power", The Isley Brothers
"Pot 205", Dash Rip Rock
"Don't Touch Me There", The Tubes
"Cannonball", The Breeders
"Crazy Little Thing Called Love", Dwight Yoakam
"The Beat Goes On", Sonny and Cher
"Smile Like You Mean It", The Killers
"I Predict a Riot", Kaiser Chiefs
"The Ballad of John and Yoko", The Beatles
"Los Angeles", X
"I Love the Sound of Breaking Glass", Nick Lowe

If you haven't heard these lately, give 'em a spin.

Meal of Links

Priness Diana allegedly slept with John F. Kennedy, Joon-ya. Of course, it's a new book which probably no one would mention if not for that nugget.

A look back at Live Aid and a list of who's playing Live 8. Aha might be this year's Billy Ocean.

Add the BTK Killer to the list of nutbags.

Exercise Yard

Cavs sign Danny Ferry as GM. Not a bad move. He's got a clean slate and has been around the league for a long time. We could have done worse.

Visitor

35 Down: Impresario Sol (5 letters) Answer: Hurok

After another night spent in the endless Dream Chamber, it's time for a nice relaxing hot day. The strange highlights from many of last night's dreams were:

Adrien Brody buying a losing lottery ticket.

















At least three times I felt there was someone hovering above me.

I had to walk through a gauntlet of people waiting for the doors to open for a Smithereens concert. I'm not sure I even like that band. BTW, this was at some sort of faux gambling/entertainment/sports complex.

Couldn't say what any of it means, so I move on. All that weirdness and paranoia without the expense and aftertaste of any mind-altering substances.

Meal of Links

Why do celebrities choose to be on "The Surreal Life"? That show "is devastating".

James McManus is writing a journal for the NYTimes(!) from this year's World Series of Poker. McManus has a beautiful writing style and "Positively Fifth Street" was easily one of the best books I've read in the last five years.

This petite skirt from eBay probably needed a better model.

Exercise Yard

Travis Hafner crushed a homer last night to deep center. Last row of lower deck in first section. A prodigious shot.

Didn't pay to see Gatti-Mayweather last night, because it's the unknown factor of the PPV. Fight only went six rounds and Mayweather roughed Gatti up pretty good. Looks like Hatton-Mayweather is the next big payday at 140. Vivian Harris got knocked out on the undercard and that was the biggest shocker of the night.

Visitor

None, it's Sunday.

Some piled-up thoughts:

The pineapple martini (vodka-soaked fruity bits) concoction is another homage to the ability to disguise a cocktail as Kool-Aid.

You know the inheritance is in trouble when your Dad calls and tells you he dialed the wrong number. When asked what number he was trying to call, the reply was "The bowling alley." I couldn't spit out Albert Brooks' line "Pro shop." fast enough. (I can't believe a short clip of that line is here under "Interview Clips". Geez, I remember that from '82!) I think my road to riches constructed another off ramp.

I got White Stripes tickets. Oh yeah.

The Indians promoted an alleged concert of Ben Broussard and Coco Crisp after last night's game. Broussard played the acoustic guitar and quite frankly put everyone into a state of drowsiness. Coco rapped up one song and then it was over. Thank God that was free.

I had a couple of packages sent from Nordstrom this week. Nordstrom now sends their packages in umarked boxes. They used to send the best boxes which had their logo plastered all over them. I'm assuming thefts across the land prompted this.

The House of Blues now has outdoor dining. Liquor not served yet, but soon.

If you feel like you are getting old, Cyndi Lauper turned 52 this week.

Meal of Links

"Matt, you ignorant slut."













Tom Cruise is officially an asshole. When you can turn an empty suit like Matt Lauer into a sympathetic figure, you have accomplished the near-impossible. However, it made for really good TV.

The Marlon Brando auction is next week. Make them an offer they can't refuse.

The 50 coolest websites from Time.

Exercise Yard

Everything you wanted to know about Craig Biggio's march to baseball's hit-by-pitch record. Sagittarians have it in for him.

Visitor

8 Down: "South Pacific" director Joshua (5 letters) Answer: Logan

It's Thursday and that means it's Game 7 of the NBA Finals. More importantly, we have another slapped-together-quickly episode of "Hit Me Baby One More Time". Rumors are running rampant after last week's nightmare of a live audience vote, that the audience at home, (yes, you and I) have gained the ability to crown this week's champ. Since this show is not live, I'm sure each band was taped as a winner. On to the videotape...

It's a recap of last week's show, showing Irene Cara as the winner. Vernon Kay was refused entry to the UK, because of his alien status (he is, in fact, an alien), so he is back as the godawful host of the program. Geez, tonight's lineup (what happened to the Baha Men?) is the worst yet, but they have crammed a shitload of folks into the auditorium this evening. V. tells us that last week was the first time online voting differed from the studio audience and basically tells the home viewer to suck on it and like it, because their opinion doesn't count.

First up is Greg Kihn with "The Breakup Song". I must admit, I like Greg Kihn. You know him. He was the guy with his name in the titles of his albums, like "Rockihnroll" and "Kihnspiracy". He wasn't around long enough to record "Kihnjoined Twins". He is now a top-rated DJ in Frisco and his son is on guitar tonight. Greg is a bit chunkier and this is a throatier version and pretty good musically. They just don't write 'em like that anymore. He's the leader, so far. OK, he was first.

Next, it's Club Nouveau with "Lean On Me". I absolutely hated this song and V. tells us it won a fuckin' Grammy! Is that the year Jethro Tull won, as well? They are trying for audience participation and the chick is carrying this group right now. Christ, this is weak. I need someone to lean on. Where is Mr. Mix? "We be jammin'" earplugs in.

Vernon introduces them as "Glass Tiger...Arrr". They sing "Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone". I don't like this song either. Apparently, they forgot Bryan Adams, because he is not in the room. So, I am singing his part. "My heart would break"..."It's all I can take". I'll be on next week's show. The lead singer is Canadian and sounds like he lives in Dublin.

Jeezy creezy, it's Billy Vera! V. says "At This Moment" tugged at America's heartstrings. Uh oh. Billy is sitting at the piano, rendering speculation on his chances to be a waste of time.

The last artist is Thelma Houston singing "Don't Leave Me This Way". Had a thought, wasn't this song the closing theme of "Looking for Mr. Goodbar"? Thelma looks like a Patti Labelle knockoff. Houston, we have a problem. 40 seconds in and Thelma has hummed and said "well, well, well" and "come on". Hell, I could do that next week. OK, she starts to sing. I decide to continue my audition and become Thelma's Pip for this song. "out of control"..."need in me"..."set me free". Incredibly at the halfway point, I think Greg Kihn is ahead, but the crowd is definitely in Thelma Houston's corner. Not much of a competition.

Now for the new tunes. "Rock and Roll's Renaissance Man" Greg Kihn selects "Boo-lee-vard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day. Uh oh. Musically, this is OK and a showcase for Junior. Vocally, not so good. Greg's charitable donation is in "Jeopardy". "R&B's Hottest Hitmakers" Club Nouveau picks "Thank You" by Dido. Thanks, but no thanks, I say. Glass Tiger tries "Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon. At least this fits their poppy image and they do a nice job with it. Hey, Billy Vera does voiceovers now. I think I hear him in my head often. He sings "True" by Ryan Cabrera. He gets a dry ice effect and is singing in tongues. Nope, it's Spanish. Verdad, I loathe it. Thelma Houston sings "Fallin'" by Alicia Keys. I have my Pip hat back on. The crowd loves it and I'm predicting a Thelma Houston victory.

V. goes through another recap and says something that resembles "it's gonna be close". The studio votes and the winner is...Thelma Houston. The audience is kihnsistently inkihnsistent. 20 G's goes to The Minority Aids Project.

Next week, it's the season finale and even Vernon does not know who will be performing. More humming from Thelma as we sign off.

Meal of Links

Karl Rove says, in so many words, Democrats aren't patriotic. Expect the apology late Friday, in time for no network news coverage and weekend papers no one reads.

It only takes one brain cell to recognize a celebrity. Millions of egos deflated.

The Whizzinator is back in the news. Thanks to the hands of one Tom Sizemore. For the record, your honor, he was great in "Heat".

Exercise Yard

There was that old track and field joke about "javelin catching". Well, some guy finally caught a shotput. In the head.

Visitor

45 Across: Ambler of thriller fiction (4 letters) Answer: Eric (All clues today began with "a"...give that man a raise.)

A few of us took in "Cinderella Man" over at the Cinemark. The story of Jim Braddock is a compelling one and if you have Paul Giamatti and Angelo Dundee in your corner, well, how can you lose? It actually had more fight scenes than I thought it would and for the most part, they were OK. The film was chock full o' boxing cliches. You know, the crusty trainer; the strong, yet supportive wife ("You are the champion of my heart, James Braddock."); adorable kiddies; the kindly priest; and the ruthless fight promoter.

But they saved the worst cliches for the champ Max Baer. Jethro may have a beef as they depicted his Dad as some sort of cross between Darth Vader, Michael Corleone, Keyser Soze with a pinch of Hitler, Stalin and perhaps the devil tossed in. In real life, that is extremely distant from the truth. Sure, Baer was responsible for one death and probably led to another in the ring, but you'd have thought that was his mission in life. Not so.

It is a pretty good flick, probably rates between around 3 stars.

Quaker Steak had a Bike night tonight and I cannot remember when I have seen that amount of cycles in one place. The place was beyond packed.

Meal of Links

AFI picked the Best 100 Movie Quotes. Pretty standard stuff. "Badges" should have been higher than 36. Where were these?:

"No, Mister Bond. I want you to die."
"Do you know who I am?"
"...medieval on your ass."
"I have a gub."
"Thanks Karl, but I don't want to stick to anything."
"Then depression set in."
"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And poof. Just like that, he's gone."

MTV will host the Live 8 shows and XM gets the satellite radio feed. Please God, better hosts this time. Do you realize Marilyn McCoo was a host on "Live Aid"?

Socks help zombie women have orgasms. At least that's what this study says, according to the Dutch.

Exercise Yard

Speaking of boxing, the Gatti-Mayweather PPV fight is heating up. Could/should be a great one. Mayweather's quote: "It ain't cool to bleed." has AFI potential.

Visitor

28 Down: "Positive thinking" advocate (5 letters) Answer: Peale

I actually watched "The Runaway Bride" special. I think I shaved a few points off the IQ with that exercise. One thing we learned is that although she's still engaged, she may not be the right woman for her fiance. Plus she's been suicidal since birth and had pills with her on the Greyhound. She's so screwy, they can't put a label on it.

Anyhow, two things disturbed me as I was driving around town today. Number one is the driver who has to look at every car they pass. I've never understood this. But I was behind an old-timer who, each time he was even with the car to his right, looked over. "Turn to the right. Face front." I could not wait to get around this geezer.

The other thing can be described as icky. I am amazed at how many guys slow down to check out girls who can't be older than 12. If there are any girls walking around, these Sedan Lotharios are slowing it down and giving them the eye. Man, that is creepy. Or, perhaps, that's just my neighborhood.

Meal of Links

A music day.

Yee haw. The White Stripes are coming. To The State.

Radiohead tops the list of best albums since 1985. Sadly, no Irene Cara.

Mel B, perhaps the most sane of the group, doesn't want the "Spice Girls" to reform at Live 8. I'm sensing "Hit Me Baby One More Time" as the most appropriate reunion platform.

Exercise Yard

I am kinda tired today as I got in late after going to the Indians-Red Sox game last night. It was the first game I had seen in over a month. Larry Dolan has to be scratching his head as they only drew a bit over 30,000 fans with a good matchup and good weather. And there were a lot of Sox fans there, front-runners to be sure. And you knew that someone would be tossed out of the bleachers and, sure enough, some Tribe fans got the boot about halfway into the game. It looked like an overblown incident to me, but Jacobs Field is “the family place to be”.

I bet it was the longest nine-inning game this year, as it didn’t end until almost 11:00, but I know it was the most laborious game I’ve sat through since the Hargrove era. Too many pitching changes, David Wells threw 110 pitches in five of the most anguishing innings you’ll ever sit through, and Alan Embree comes in for mop-up work for the Sox in the 8th and throws 30 pitches to (gulp!) only four batters. It was agony.

And Wedgie absolutely left C.C. out there to die, when he had nothing, and I’m not really sure where that was coming from. The crowd was pretty frosty and booed C.C. pretty good. Then Wedgie kept Riske out there for a second inning in the ninth and Damon homered, and not sure about that move either. Wedgie is back in the big leagues now (after destroying the NL West) and needs to manage the game much better than he did yesterday.

Meanwhile, I had to suffer with this kid behind me who kept kicking me for about five innings. I finally snapped and told him, “Dude, you wanna cool it with the feet?”. He went into the old, “My bad, my bad.”, figuring eventually it would come to this. I finished him off with the death stare while saying, “You’d have to admit. I’ve been pretty patient with you.” (Darth: “Leave the kicking boy to me.”) I couldn’t wait to get my Diet Coke with the Geritol chaser after that. Now where are those kids on my lawn? They need rousting.

Visitor

9 Down: French essayist _______ de Saint-Exupery (7 letters) Answer: Antoine

Happy Father's Day to all the Dads and those who don't know they're Dads, and to all the Moms who have to act like Dads.

I took my Dad to the Colonial Restaurant for breakfast this morning. This would be what we call an "Old Fogey Joint". But they have pretty good food there and we ordered some omelettes. Of course, if you order a breakfast with eggs, you also get "real home fries" and toast. We got our meals, and on cue, my Dad started bitching about the amount of potatoes they serve you at a restaurant. Which is true, but always a nice touch to hear it from him. But they were good, heck they were "real" and they must have been spectacular, because I think he cleaned his plate more than me.

Meal of Links

Playhouse Square hasn't formally announced the "Cinema at the Square" series yet. The schedule is up at the website, however. "Spinal Tap" and "Airplane!" look like must-sees. And "Clifford The Big Red Dog" for live-action fans comes later.

Leo gets hit with a bottle, but Billy Corgan comes out from under a rock and records a new album.

Strong hurricanes are starting to be linked to global warming. Be careful out there.

Exercise Yard

"Father, why are all of those cars heading to the pits before the race?"



The running joke is that there are only 14 NBA fans left. Sometimes, I feel the same way about Formula One fans in the States. After today's race, in which the FIA (the sport's governing body) shoved it up the ass of fans at today's US Grand Prix, I'm not sure if the number 14 is now too high.

First of all, I am not sure if this happens at any other circuit besides Indianapolis, because there might have been a riot. You can't get 145,000 paying customers (easily in the top three in attendance each year in F1) to show up and then have 14 of 20 cars not participate. Yep, the race was run with only 6 cars! I am amazed most of the fans stayed for what was basically a test session for those teams. Easily, the strangest sporting event I've seen in years. The equivalent would be going to the Indians-Red Sox game tomorrow (which I am) and watching both teams get introduced, then having the Indians play an intrasquad game that counted. How F1 continually fails to grasp its audience in America is astounding.

Now for the science. There are two tire manufacturers in Formula One, Michelin and Bridgestone. Michelin apparently came to Indy with a tire that, for some reason, was having trouble with the small banking in turn 13. It's the only banking in all of F1, but it's like six degrees or something, and they have been racing there for six years. Michelin said their tires were having a belt issue and driver safety is paramount, so unless there was a chicane constructed in that turn to slow the cars down, the Michelin teams would not race. The FIA told them to pound salt. So, here's what we know. Michelin said we want a chicane, Indy was willing to configure it (on race day, mind you), but the FIA told the Michelin teams it was a tire problem, blame your tire manufacturer for not having a backup. So, those teams pulled out, leaving the six Bridgestone cars in the race.

How they could not find a suitable compromise is beyond me. Many of the foreign TV networks pulled their coverage during the race. And everyone loses.

Visitor

None, it's Father's Day.

Wound up at the Old Angle Tavern last night. I must say, I had some Jack Daniels last night and wanted it with soda. I'm not sure I realized until my second drink that it may have been served with water. Anyhow, it didn't sit that well with me. I was having trouble finishing a very good catfish sandwich because of it. Plus it put me at a severe disdvantage in a later discussion.

However, the JD did contribute to one of those god-awful night cramps. When I got home and comfortable on the couch, I decided to start to watch "Candyman". Of course, I think I saw that for about 30 seconds before the Sandman showed up. Then at 4:00, I got this unbelievable cramp in my calf. So, I try to stand up. My other leg is asleep, I'm incoherent, I'm stepping on remotes, but the TV is on and it was obviously one of those Skinemax movies. So I was caught between, "Damn it, I don't know if my leg will ever stretch out again." and "Man, those are big." Eventually it subsided, I shut everything off, made it to bed and then I couldn't sleep. Bah.

Part of the discussion revolved around some theory that Joey from "Friends" had. I never watched "Friends", but this was whatever your number was, you could only drop two levels down. If you were, a 9, you couldn't be with a 6, etc. Of course, I said it was too bad for the 7's out there, and it's not because I'm a 4. But the impaired discussion we particpated in was the old "Doables List". Some how it ended up "Sandra Bullock vs. Ashley Judd". I mean, come on, that's like "Skippy vs. Jif". Can you really choose one over the other?



Apparently, I made the major faux pas of being a Sandy fan, in this case. But the JD rendered me useless to argue. Even though I was able to comment on things, I could never form a cogent argument for. I was subjected to a lot of criticism of her movies. In "A Time To Kill", she clearly outperforms Judd in that movie. But I found myself agreeing a lot with these zingers tossed my way:

"Speed 2": "That was pretty bad."
"Two If By Sea": "Yep, that was bad."
"The Net": "Yeah, you got me there."

I could not even remember Judd's appearance in "Simon Burch", for crying out loud. I believe she was the only person in film history to be killed by a foul ball, right in the head. I mean that is end of story. You can't top that. Damn that JD. Of course, I have no idea what that has to do with "Doability", but it made me feel better.

Meal of Links

For those who hear lyrics in a slightly different (meaning wrong) way, it's the archive of misheard lyrics. Por ejemplo, "Whip It" does not contain the line "Snap that whip".

It appears that Howard Jones title of best Buddhist singer in the world was as short-lived as his hairline. The other contenders. I'd still rate Howard a better singer than, let's say, Keanu Reeves.

Terri Schiavo might not only roam the spirit world to drop in on randoms, she might appear on your breakfast plate. "If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's Funeral Home on Ocean Parkway?"

Exercise Yard

"In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven't, the Indians have managed to win a few ball games, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar." The Tribe scores 10 runs in one inning and the winning streak is at seven.

Visitor

38 Across: "The Jazz Singer" composer, 1980 (11 letters) Answer: Neil Diamond

It's been an odd day. What are the odds of following the same car to and from work on I-77? Think about it, three seconds longer at the toll booth, dumbass going slow in speed lane, everything has to be aligned perfectly. Then this afternoon, someone made an ICEE run at work. I usually don't participate, but I opted for Coke. Well, they came back from the Circle K and I couldn't believe ICEEs now come in semi-Gigantor size. Jeezy creezy, I'm still not down from that stuff.



Nevertheless, it's Thursday and that can only mean...it's "Hit Me Baby One More Time". Of course, just when I think I have permanently erased it from my memory, we have last week's recap of Vanillar Ice winning. Apparently his deportation hearing was delayed as Vernon Kay once again kicks off the show. Spewing crap like "great tunes are timeless", V's English lessons are now entering summer school. Just then the phone rings and "Who Can It Be Now"? Why it's Mr. Mix calling me from FLA. Chuck, not knowing this series is being rerun on Bravo on Wednesdays, admits to me that he left a group at a bar watching the NBA Finals to run home and record last week's episode at this time. The lure of this series knows no boundaries.

First up, it's Wang Chung doing "Everyone Have Fun Tonight". I don't really have a problem with these guys. I love the movie "To Live and Die in LA" (Dafoe!!) and these guys contributed the soundtrack and there is some good stuff on it. But Vernon introduces them with lame-o crap like "When was the last time you Wang Chunged?" God, what an idiot. Anyhow, the boys come out and they are...still ugly. Oh boy, this is weak. It appears the singer has lost a lot of strength in his voice. We decide it's mediocre, at best.

Next, Sophie B. Hawkins sings "Dom, I Wish I Was Your Lover", her tribute to Dom DeLuise. Oh no, that's just Vernonspeak for "Damn, I Wish I was Your Lover". V says this song made everyone "own up to their innermost urges". I'm thinking bowel movements as I've disliked this song forever. Sophie B. has a drum as she's introduced. Chuck says, "This might be the African version." Nope, it's just a prop. Near the conclusion, Sophie eventually takes her shirt off and channeling Virgil from WCW (long story), reveals a tank top emblazoned with "Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover". Zip-for-two seems to be the consensus.

It pains me to see Cameo as the next performer, as they are personal favorites of mine. I actually have the "Word Up" CD. Vernon sets a world record for uttering the word funk about 600 times in a minute. Vernon can barely spit out his next sentence, as he refers to Cameo as a band who has "proudly flown the flag of funk". He says "Word Up" spread like a "sonic inferno". Not to be confused with "Disco Inferno". Anyhow, the boys come on stage. Larry Blackmon still has the codpiece on. For kicks, he should have had a Cialis version. He also has a hat on that makes it appear as if flames are shooting out of his head. Chuck thinks he looks like the Heat Miser, I think he looks like a guy I work with. Chuck asks if it's a facial resemblance or does that guy wear a codpiece as well. We decide that if you wear a codpiece on stage, you should wear it in public all the time, like when shopping at Wal-Mart, pumping gas, etc. By far, their version is the best this evening. Vernon ruins the mood by pointing at the codpiece saying, "I gotta get me one of those."

Howard Jones is next with "No One Is To Blame". I am convinced Howard will have a hat on, because his hairline is resembling that of the golfer Jim Furyk. Vernon tells us Howard was the "sultan of the synthesizer" and a "master of melody". Vernon is the "dumbest of the dumbasses". Howard comes out sans headwear, but his hairstyle reminds us of hair the Red Rooster used to sport in the WWF. Chuck makes a noise like the Red Rooster. Howard is not playing a synthesizer, but has been demoted to "peon of the piano". The crowd starts to yawn and is not into it all. We decide it's a decent version.

Irene Cara is next with "What a Feeling". This version is more like "Fame, It's So Fleeting". Irene is strutting around like it's 1980 again. Our sense is that the mostly female audience identifies with this song more than any other presented this evening. She's the leader in the clubhouse. Once again, Vernon invites anyone watching to stab knitting needles into his eyes when we see him because of this encounter:

V.: "Where do you keep your Oscar?"
Irene: "In the closet."
V.: "I'll come around and polish it for you."

WTF?

Now for the current hits. Wang Chung chooses "Hot in Here" by Nelly. This sounds exactly what you would think it would sound like. Two old white guys doing karaoke of a hip-hop tune. Dreadful. Sophie B. sings "100 Years" by Five for Fighting. She should get Ten for Butchering. We thought she was going for the undecided male vote by dressing up for this song, slit skirt and all. Then we realized there aren't many guys in the audience. Cameo sings the Bowling for Soup song, "1985". Larry has the same ensemble on, except for glasses. Prolly cause he has to see the lyrics on a prompter. Not that bad of a version.

In the clip before his song, Howard Jones says he is a Buddhist. Jesus, has he created a buzzkill at this event by choosing to sing "White Flag" by Dido. Chuck decides anyone who performs any song while sitting has no chance of winning. But we try to determine if we know any other Buddhist singers and can't think of one. We decide that since he will lose this evening, Howard Jones is bestowed the title of best Buddhist singer in the world. At this low point, Chuck and I agree that if you suck and have more than one hit, you could appeal to the producers that your second song could be one of your own hits.

Chuck gets excited when he finds out Irene Cara lives in Tampa. Then he wonders why he wasn't invited to tonight's party. Irene chooses an Anastasia song...but wait. It appears she has brought two ringers with her. It's as if it is Irene Cara and Destiny's Child. We are up in arms over this. I say Howard Jones should have brought out Eddie Vedder. Chuck says U2 should have played with Howard and Vernon could have said, "Thanks, Howard, for that great version of "Sunday, Bloody Sunday". This is a scandal of major proportions.

It's time for the audience vote and the winner is...Irene Cara! Rigged, I say. It's 20 grand to the charity "Women In The Arts". I would not be surprised to see if its Executive Director is Irene Cara. Chuck leaves to go rioting in downtown Tampa, I go online looking for codpieces.

Next week's artists are Greg Kihn (you must be joking, another fave), Baha Men, Thelma Houston, Glass Tiger and TBD.

Meal of Links

Wake the kids, call the neighbors. Birthing at home is deemed safe. Sorry doesn't clean it up.

How to make your own root beer. Seems like lots of work with Dairy Mart lurking close by.

The Runaway Bride cashes in. They better ask her about Vegas.

Exercise Yard

A critique of the setup at Pinehurst No. 2 for the US Open. Must have tougher competition.

Visitor

26 Across: One of the Stooges (5 letters) Answer: Shemp (not Iggy)

I went to see "Batman Begins" at Crocker Park. It was my first visit since they fixed up the Regal Cinemas there and I must say, a most impressive job. There is a section of the theaters in the old building and six theatres across the street in another section where you take an escalator up a level to a covered walkway to enter those theatres. The bladder-stretching sizes of sodas remain as well as ripoff popcorn prices. The hand dryers in the bathrooms sound and perform like jet engines. I am not kidding. If Madonna dried her pits with these machines in "Desperately Seeking Susan", she'd be a satellite right now.

The movie itself was terrific. Christian Bale was a great choice as Batman. Subtle humor throughout and sufficiently dark, I mean he is the "Dark Knight". Bale had some reminders of his old Patrick Bateman character from "American Psycho". I didn't read too much about the movie before I saw it, so I had no idea who was in the cast. I mean there was Liam Neeson, and then Michael Caine, then Rutger Hauer. Omigod, there's Morgan Freeman. Katie Holmes is in it, too. Mmmm, haven't seen much of her lately. My favorite line was after giving the new Batmobile a test drive, he asks Morgan Freeman, "Does it come in black?" Should be a blockbuster.

Saw a preview for some odd Jamie Foxx movie with Sam Shepard. Has Sam qualified for the military pension yet? He's in the military again in this one.

Meal of Links

Thought I would mention Terri Schiavo had half a brain and was blind, according to the autopsy. I'll wait for the apologies from the fundies.

Good friends help you live longer.

Most days, everyone could use a good yes man. Here he is.

Exercise Yard

Asafa Powell broke the world record for 100 meters the other day. It shows how out of whack it was when Ben Johnson ran a 9.79 in 1988! Powell ran a 9.77 in 2005, bettering another tainted mark of Tim Montgomery at 9.78.

Visitor

4 Down: NHL Hall of Famer Stan (6 letters) Answer: Mikita

I received an advert today from Microsoft Dialup. In my best Jim Mora voice, "Dialup? Dialup? Man, who uses that archaic technology anymore?" I wonder if it was delivered by Pony Express.

I assume Michael Jackson is celebrating his acquittal with a bunch of kids in a bathtub or something today. It was too creepy of a trial to watch. Here is a wrapup.

Is he a kid toucher? Yeah, probably, but maybe not in this case. Did the jury do their job? Yeah, probably, because they may have thought he had done it previously, but it wasn't proven in this case. Was it a waste of taxpayer money? Yeah, probably, because the family turned out to be insane and that obviously was a major issue for the jury. Quite frankly, Jacko should sell his publishing company, forget about a comeback and live out his years removed from the public eye. He's through.

Meal of Links

If you're David Stern, this has to kill you. "Dancing with the Stars" had better ratings than the NBA Finals. I don't get it. The Spurs and Pistons are the two best teams in the league.

It's starting. Some GOP Senators want to raise the retirement age to 69. Next time I see one, I'll punch him.

Mother Earth has a cousin. I call him Felix.

Exercise Yard

Despite an ankle injury, Hideki Matsui's streak may continue. If my public school math serves me correctly, he has played in (counting Japan) 1,637 straight games. If it counted, that would rank third all-time.

Visitor

17 Across: Pitcher who won 200-plus games while playing in four different decades, 1929-1953 (10 letters) Answer: Bobo Newsom (Might be the longest clue in history.)

I went to see "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" this a.m. In case there is any doubt about the sexiness of Angelina Jolie, that can be put to rest with this flick. Whatever is way beyond smokin' hot is her. It's impossible to keep your eyes off of her and there aren't many stars like that anymore. I think half the closing credits ran by before I reeled my tongue off the floor.

Who knows if anything happened behind the scenes with her and Pitt, but let me say this, they have really good, I mean really good, chemistry in this movie. I cannot imagine Jen watching this one for many years, if at all. The movie is OK, decent action and some laughs, but the comedy is more of a wink and a nod type stuff, as opposed to uproar. Vince Vaughn has pretty much nailed the sidekick part...again. By no means an Oscar winner, but a decent summer flick.

My Belmont bet netted me $21 yesterday as Andromeda's Hero finished second to Afleet Alex. The odds were very strange again, as the public is seemingly betting worse at these Triple Crown races. No horse above 20-1 at post, I believe. That is downright insane. Afleet Alex pretty much tore it up yesterday and ran through his pedigree once more, but I think it gives credence to my theory that the 3yo class this year is beginning to look subpar.

Meal of Links

For Social Security, messing with the retirement age is a bigger issue than Washington thinks. I was surprised that of eligibles, 75% get their first check before they are 65 and shows folks wanna enjoy retirement quicker.

Pink Floyd reunites for Live 8. Just nod if you can hear me.

Some older military files have become unsealed. You can check on grandpa's war stories.

Exercise Yard

Almost lunchtime.



Mike Tyson is finally headed to Bolivian. If you can't beat Kevin McBride (who claims he is the "Real Deal")...well. What a sad ending for a guy who beat Michael Spinks just by looking at him. I honestly thought he was gonna kill Frank Bruno during their fight many moons ago. The trouble is, indeed, that was eons ago. He should have arrived at this conclusion years ago, but like Little Boy Blue, "He needed the money. OH." Time for Mike to tend to his "missionary work".

Fellow heavyweight Hasin Rahman on ESPN was unbelievably candid in his post-fight assessment. I think The Rock may have a future in broadcasting. Too bad this overshadowed the Cotto fight on Home Box.

Visitor

None, it's Sunday.

Stopped at the Town Fryer for some grub on the way home last night. I'm a big fan of mashups and their house band (at least for this month) played "Folsom Prison" with a couple of verses of "Pinball Wizard" and it was quite good.

Today is Belmont day. The last of this year's Triple Crown races. It looks like you can't bet the favorites and win anything, so I'm going with Andromeda's Hero. He's Zito-trained, has the breeding, rested since the Derby and has some nice works at Saratoga since then. This is the race he's been pointed to all along and I think it's worth a shot. Afleet Alex probably finishes in the top three and Giacomo might clunk up there, as well, for a piece.

Meal of Links

The Army is facing some real recruiting challenges. Hard to show beautiful scenes of foreign lands when you might not make it back.

Even Russell Crowe's wife can't excuse his phone tossing incident. That's a refreshing attitude heard very seldom these days from celebrity types.

There is an auction for Abe Vigoda on toast! Only $61.01 as I write.

Exercise Yard

Like we couldn't see this coming. Malcolm Glazer is raising ticket prices for Manchester United. Why? Because people will pay, dummy.

Visitor

32 Across: "The Blue Dahlia" screenwriter (15 letters) Answer: Raymond Chandler

Since I had that scheduling conflict today, I had to put my energies elsewhere. It's amazing what you can get done on an off day. I figured it was too damn hot to wait this a.m., so I had the old Black & Decker out there whackin' weeds at around 8:30. Wake up everyone!! I had already cleaned my windows and did the dishes, then I mowed, refilled my propane tank, got some gas, and picked up a McMuffin and the Daily Racing Form by 11:00. And without the aid of any speed. I was quite proud.

The clouds seem to be rolling in quick, but getting done early allowed me to grill some teriyaki chicken wings and some of those McCain French Onion potatoes, which are pretty good.

I also finished the Friday crossword, as well. They lobbed us one today, people. Saturdays have been difficult lately.

Meal of Links



Does Alanis Morissette look scarily like that woman from "Just Shoot Me"? Jeepers.

Here are the results of the bowling event at the National Senior Games. Looks like the Mens 95 and up is ripe for some medal action. Keep firing, Dad.

I watched "Clerks" for about the millionth time last night. That's why this article on local peep-show booths made me howl. Contrast "council members were shocked last year to learn that some men masturbate while watching X-rated movies in the private booths." with "Have you ever wondered how much the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?"

Exercise Yard

Here's a girl who goes through hoops for her men.

Visitor

25 Down: Big name in popcorn (7 letters) Answer: Orville

To relieve my anger at the air conditioner folks for cancelling my checkup tomorrow for a money grab elsewhere (after I took an off day), it's "Hit Me Baby One More Time".

Vernon Kay, as part of his work-release program, is back as host. Someone needs to perform a hit alright...on him. Much like "The Apprentice", there is a recap of last week's events, as if I wanted to relive that nightmare. The audience is standing up and going gaga. I'm guessing thumbtacks on chairs. Omigod, Vernon said "Vanillar Ice". We're ready to party!!!

First up, The Knack. They sing "My Sharona". This brings back memories. Nice reference to a Rolling Stone article in 1979 which pegged them as the next Fab Four. I used to crank this song while manning the Gold Circle record department that summer. Well, at least the band appears in shape. Doug Fieger, you may know his brother Geoff, the lawyer (Hint: Kevorkian's lawyer), has about 80% of his voice from back then. Musically, not too awful. Vernon asks whatever happened to your Sharona?

Next, it's Haddaway. I may have heard this song. Vernon reminds us it was used for the SNL "Roxbury" sketches. I yawn.

Third performer, Tommy Tutone. It's "867-5309 (Jenny)". Not even close. The singer sounds like he's moaning. Backups sound OK, but hell, I could sing backup on this tune. Christ, this is too easy a song to butcher. V urges us to put our hands together for this piece of crap.

Next, it's The Motels. Yes! Martha is gonna sing "Only the Lonely". Uh-oh, she looks a bit older and could have worn a better outfit. But she sounds absolutely fucking great!!! This is one of the most underrated bands from that era. Why "Mission of Mercy" was never a hit, I can't tell ya. Omigod, she still hits the high notes at the end!!! The house is brought down. We have a leader in the clubhouse. Not that I'm biased or anything.

Last up, Vanillar Ice. Geez, the NBA game finally started. He sings "Ice Ice Baby". I think I'm droppin' the zero and gettin' with the hero. Vernon refers to him as once "The coolest rapper on the planet." Uh, maybe on Pluto. Vanillar thinks he's at the MTV Awards. He has a dancer with him and a singing DJ. This sounds so dated. Uh-oh, someone brought a sign that says, "Word to your mutha." Strangely, the crowd is into this act.

OK, now for the new tunes. The Knack does "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" by Jet. No, no, no, a thousand times, no. I would best be described as mortified. They should change their name to The Lack. I still don't give a crap about Haddaway. He tries Britney Spears' "Toxic". Hey dog, you suck. Vernon seems to like him though. He must be on some sort of delusional herb. Tommy Tutone attempts "All the Small Things" by Blink 182. I just threw up in my mouth. He is officially known as Stink 182Tone. The audience must be the brainwashed group from "The Manchurian Candidate". They hear the first note of any song and go crazy. Or maybe they are left over from a Popiel infomercial. Martha tries a Norah Jones song. An OK job, but she should have picked something else. It looks like it's Vanillar's to win or lose. Hey, he picks a Destiny's Child song. The lapdogs in the audience actually seem offended. Boy, this week's cover tunes were subpar. It's time for the vote. I'm picking the Motels, but I know Vanillar has an excellent shot. V implores the audience to heed those recaps, and they start to vote.

And the winner is...Vanillar Ice, It's 20 G's to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Clearly a sympathy vote. As we head to the credits, he does a version of..."Ice Ice Baby". WTF? Next week's victims...er...performers: Wang Chung, Sophie B. Hawkins, Howard Jones, Cameo and Irene Cara. It really pains me to see Cameo on this list.

Meal of Links

A bunch of pictures of celebrities playing table tennis. For some reason, I love the Kinks photo.

The NHLPA, using George Costanza negotiating tactics, reportedly accepts a salary cap. Union President Bobby Ewing has no comment.

Here are 30 things you didn't know you could do on the Internet. "It slices, it dices..."

Exercise Yard

The Yankees are reeling. Lots of money went to the wrong players. Old players.

Visitor

1 Across: "Uptown Girl" songwriter (4 letters) Answer: Joel

I sometimes turn on XM Online while I'm jotting this stuff down. Hate to keep pimpin' for this thing, but they have some pretty cool stuff on here. Makes a great Father's Day gift. I just heard "Say When" by Lene Lovich. That song makes me tap my toes. I defy even a Jack format to play that tune.

It's only 10 days until the Dean Martin Festival. Yup, there's a chance I'm goin' to Stupidville. I'm really going for Cousin Avi, who is the Grand Marshal.



Meal of Links

"Hi, 9-1-1. There's a leg in my yard." The Adidas never fell off. Nice. Expect that in an ad soon.

The bane of the corporate recruiter. The stupid hiring manager.

It's all about the O. Or is it the genes?

Exercise Yard

My favorite hockey player, Cam Neely, made the Hockey Hall of Fame. Injuries robbed him at the end, but still one of the greats.

Visitor

47 Across: Laura's husband in '60s TV (3 letters) Answer: Rob

When it is this warm, I hate to turn on the oven, but it gives me the opportunity to make one of my favorites. Time to dress up tuna.



Uh, not like that. But here's what you do. Take 2 cans of albacore tuna and drain. Find stuff you have layin' around to chop like celery, onions, banana peppers, jalapeno. Chop and toss 'em in. Throw in 2 teaspoons each of relish, Stadium Mustard, mayo (ahem, Hellmann's) and horseradish. Splash in pepper and hot sauce and mix up well and you are done. Take a whole wheat tortilla, heat it up and load some of that stuff in there. Instant cheap-ass wrappy thingy that tastes yummy.

Meal of Links

The city finally announced where the traffic cameras are going up. I can't tell you how pissed off I am about this list. First of all, I thought the cameras were being erected to find those who were running red lights. We find out today they are for finding speeders, as well. Spank my ass and call me Charlie, when did that become the raison d'etre of these cameras?

The list contains not one downtown traffic signal. Not one! And none in Tremont either. Clearly, the city has decided they do not want to deal with a bunch of angry suburbanites who get ticketed on their one visit to the city or those who work downtown every day. Is our mayor insane?

I could name several spots where these cameras would do the trick. Because I've sped through them. Look at the list. Most of the cameras are being constructed in places where residents would most likely pay their fines. I have two placed relatively close to me and those in this area would get mad, shrug their shoulders and pay. In neighborhoods where the citizens would most likely ignore the tickets, West 25th for example, they haven't placed a single camera. Come on! We need this mayor out of here ASAP.

Why not place a camera above the Lorain-Carnegie bridge and ticket everyone there? Hell, I usually go 55 on that bridge. I'm not even sure what the speed limit is there and certainly no one heeds it. Unhappy...unhappy...very, very, very, very, very, very, very unhappy. (Oddly, I just found out Anne Bancroft died.)

It's safe to say the James Dean Festival was a bust. They expected 100,000 and got only (gulp!) 6,000.

It's been nothing but bad news lately for the NYC Olympic bid. I believe we could chart the downhill slide since Tana of "The Apprentice" became involved.

Exercise Yard

It's become obvious that Ross Verba of the Browns is a punk. Really strange negotiating tactics, because he'll be lucky to get more than the veteran's minimum at this late of a date.

Visitor

4 Down: "Little Women" author (6 letters) Answer: Alcott

With thanks to Johnny Carson.

"It was hot today."

"How hot was it?"

"It was so hot that a flock of birds burst into flames from spontaneous combustion."

"It was so hot I saw Orson Welles selling shade!"

"It was so hot that I saw a dog chasing a cat, and both were walking."

"It was so hot I spilled McDonald's coffee on myself to cool down."

“It was so hot that if you ordered at Burger King, they said, if you want it your way, make it yourself!"

Meal of Links

Here are some quotes from last night's Tony Awards.

I didn't know Norah O'Donnell was "The White Ho" for MSNBC.

Now we're talking. Sharp plans to introduce a 65-inch LCD TV in August. Damn, only in Japan. "I want a doctor to take your picture. So I can look at you from inside as well."

Here is an Alzheimer's Test that I didn't get right.

Exercise Yard

The Indians finally made a move to shake things up, by firing Eddie Murray. Sort of a curious move, but it definitely cements Wedgie as the man in charge. I say curious, because in one week, two senior members of Wedge's coaching staff are now gone; Buddy Bell to Kansas City and Murray. Obviously, Murray was never considered for the Bench Coach position and maybe he made his feelings known on the subject. It had to be difficult for Shapiro to fire him, given his family's relationship with the guy. If you read between the lines on some of the comments, it appears that Wedge has been clamoring for that move for a while, and Shapiro was not convinced until recently and finally caved.

It is very difficult to put a value on a hitting coach. Two years ago, Murray was almost run out of town, but he had a veteran ballclub that didn't listen to him. Last year, it appeared he had turned it around with a young team, as the Indians had a pretty potent offense. This year, your guess is as good as mine. We cannot overlook Lawton and Vizquel at the top of the 2004 order. Remember, for all of his faults, Matt Lawton was near career highs in most of his offensive categories. Having said that though, his trade for Arthur Rhodes turned out to be a great move.

Yes, I get to bash Casey Blake again, because of his quotes this a.m. Mind you, Casey is hitting .188, whiffing every fifth time up. To paraphrase, "I used Eddie a little, but that's just me. I kind of do my own thing." My God, you have a Hall of Famer on the staff and you don't even consult with him? Jesus Christo, man, get your head out of your ass. I give Jody Gerut credit for realizing why they made the move, "a change in dynamics", but he also was very kind in his praise for Murray and the new hitting coach, as well. It does disturb me though that if you sign some guys to long-term deals in hopes of being leaders, (I mean you, Martinez and Hafner), they should be available for quotes on the firing, even if they preach the company gospel.

Visitor

44 Across: Actor Beatty (3 letters) Answer: Ned

The temperature is finally getting to an acceptable level around here, so last night was really the first time I had all of my windows open. After the party and catching the replay of the Tszyu fight, I was in shutdown mode about 1:30. But I hear my neighbor's door open and shut a couple of times, so I feel a need to investigate. First of all, I notice their garage is packed to the ceiling with stuff. I'm already sensing these people are strange. Quiet, but strange. Sorta like John Wayne Gacy.

Anyhow, there is this odd green light emanating from their backyard. It's straight out of the X-Files. Keep in mind, their backyard is kinda neglected, so they won't have to mow or anything. But they have one of those fire-pit contraptions, some tiki torches and this thing that has two columns, maybe twelve feet high, connected at the top, maybe ripped off from the Parthenon or something. Yeah, those are common items. I mean Jack White doesn't even have that stuff in his backyard. But, it's the green light that's the killer.

Plus the dude is already out there this morning doing stuff of an undetermined nature to his driveway. Shovels involved, not sure if it's some brick replacement, but the garbage-can-on-wheels is getting a workout. It's amazing how I attract this odd behavior. It's quite the burden I carry, being perfect and all.

Meal of Links

WCBS-FM switches from oldies. And the sun still came up today. The "Jack" format will get to Cleveland pretty soon, I believe. XM has a 50's channel out there, all you disappointed oldies fans.

Keeping with the current trend, Penn Jillette names his daughter, Moxie CrimeFighter. Bullshit, I say.

Here is a guide to help you find music from TV commercials. Glad to see that "Molly's Chambers" did make the list.

Exercise Yard



I don't think I've ever felt worse for a fighter. But Kostya Tszyu got beat...er, thrashed by Ricky Hatton last night. That was not the Tszyu that I loved (he was The Man, for me). My theory is that he thought he'd go up to Manchester, whip Hatton's ass, then retire. I never thought I would see the day when he wouldn't answer the bell for the final round, with his own "No Mas" moment. Russell Crowe was there and couldn't help him. I was absolutely crushed. But, Kostya is first-class all the way and was extremely gracious post-fight, as always. When Al Bernstein asked him about his corner imploring him to stop, he had a wry smile and said, "You didn't hear me complain too much." I think it's over for him and there won't be a rematch. One of the all-time greats. He had beaten 13 former or current champs along the way.

The fight itself was pretty unique. Hatton came out brawling and never stopped. I felt it going the other way during the first two rounds when the ref didn't break them very much. Tsyzu said after the fight he didn't feel like himself and basically said if that's how the fight's gonna be, let's have at it. But he couldn't fire a right with any pop and Hatton sensed it and kept coming. Never stopped for 11 rounds. Tszyu threw two low blows during the bout and Hatton followed the old adage, "When he hits low, you hit low." and drilled Kostya with an intentional shot right around Cincinnati. To do that to a guy of Tszyu's stature showed me something. I sense Tszyu's three bouts in three years and his age finally caught up to him. Hatton now has to come to the States and fight some people.

Visitor

None, it's Sunday.

Wrapping up a few loose ends:

Attending a combination birthday party this evening. It's always a mystery when the line "no gifts are necessary" is used. I mean, what if you are the only one who doesn't bring anything? However, the line "open bar" is also being employed, so mystery is solved.

Hey, we didn't flush a Koran at Gitmo, we peed on it. And we kicked one and stepped on another. Outside of that, we're great hosts.

Failed to mention the small drink at your local Regal Beagle Cinema is now 32 ounces. The medium, I kid you not, is 44 ounces. They will kill us one day, I'm sure of it. BTW, does anyone Fandango?

Remember I was having trouble with my On Demand channels? Don't know how to explain this, but I...uh...er...took the novel approach of rebooting the box and the channels came back. I am a clown.

The fight I have been waiting for, happens tonight. My feeling is if there is one fight that has all the elements of portraying an atmosphere that boxing should have, it'll be at the Tszyu/Hatton bout this evening from Manchester. I have to keep reminding myself this is on Showtime.


Meal of Links

The T.Rex known as Bob is really a chick. A Lou Reed fan, as well.

"Lucky Lindy, up in the sky. Lucky Lindy, oh what a guy." Lucky Lindy had a bunch of kids with women who were not his wife. Lucky Lindy could have been in the NBA. I read the Lindbergh biography a while back, did my book not have these chapters?

The Cleveland is a hit on the coast. Sadly, I can't remember the last time I saw them.

Exercise Yard

A nice read on the architecture of Dodger Stadium. Now they need a team like the old Dodgers playing there.

Visitor

62 Across: 1967-68 NHL Rookie of the Year Derek (9 letters) Answer: Sanderson

I was talking to my good friend Chuck a.k.a. Mr. Mix, from Florida, during the show "Hit Me Baby One More Time". Premise of the show is to dredge up some 80's bands, who sing their hit and a current hit. Audience votes, winner wins 20 grand for their favorite charity. It's not why he called, but Chuck dutifully reminded me during the first part of our conversation that this show started at 9:00. First off, the host is not Murray the K nor Bill Murray the K, but Vernon Kay, who elicited question marks and a huge WTF from both of us. Either all of the performers were tiny or this guy is 8 feet tall. Anyhow, Chuck decided he had to "Google that bad boy" because we drew a blank.

First performer--Loverboy. What do they sing, but "Workin' for the Weekend". It appears that Mike Reno has been working the weekend buffet line. They did an absolutely horrible rendition of the tune. They had five guys on stage and the organist was way back on the right. Reno had his hair colored in a lovely Ronald Reagan red. A wonderful accident seems to have entered our lives.

Second performer--Ce Ce Peniston. Not paying attention, we thought it was the chick from the C.C. Music Factory. But I didn't hear the word "booty" and neither one of us recognized her tune. Apparently she sang at the Clinton inaugural, which made her a 90's band, er, performer. I'd protest, but to whom? She has no band, so an organist appears on the left. But she was accompanied by two male dancers hoping to be discovered for some other show. Lemme see, unknown song + creepy choreography = lots of votes. Not on our watch.

Next up--A Flock of Seagulls. One of the guitarists came out dressed in shorts and I said, "Oh, Angus Young is in this band." We decided that their version of "I Ran" was so bad, it was criminal. I mentioned that if I was Jamie Farr on "The Gong Show", I would be ready to gong them. After each song, Vernon interviews the artist. He absolutely towers over the "hair guy" from the Flock. I say, "I have to go back to the shire now." Chuck says, "Be sure to say hello to Mister Frodo."

Next--Arrested Development. They sing their hit and actually do a credible job. The lead singer looks like Urkel. I still don't get the old guy, who resembles Pops Staples, and seems to wander aimlessly during the song. They are the leader in the clubhouse.

Last--Tiffany. Of course, she sings "I Think We're Alone Now". Is I Think parenthetical? Anyhow, the first thing we notice is the unflattering outfit she has on, which borders on maternity. The second and third thing we notice is Tiffany has major yabos. Must still be breastfeeding. She has a habit of bending over, which we decide would sway the undecided men. Ahem, Tiffany is now in the lead.

Vernon describes what happens next. Each performer will now sing a current hit. Loverboy decides to butcher the whole hog and carves up an Iglesias the Lesser song. Ce Ce sings a song we've never heard of, and we guess it was a hit for someone out there. The boys from the Flock come out to murder a Ryan Cabrera song. They tortured it a bit first. The drummer apparently recognized the train wreck of the first tune and immediately enrolls in the witness protection program and plays the drums on the staircase way in the back, hoping no one sees him. Arrested Development zooms back up front with a Los Lonely Boys tune. Tiffany chooses a less revealing outfit, a Kelly Clarkson song and the way to lose the competition.

So, it's over, but who votes? Damn, not the audience at home, but the studio audience. Channeling technology left from the "Love Connection", the audience decides who wins.

Vernon comes back in "2 and 2" and in a disturbing display of linguistics, decides to talk in some strange accented way. During the entire program, he seems to be an English chap. At the close, we cannot determine if he's a Brit, an Aussie or a Scot. Maybe we should vote on that. The crowd has spoken and the winner is...Arrested Development!!! Twenty grand goes to Unicef and A.D. is probably scheduled to appear at the Cleveland version of Live 8.

Next week includes The Knack, The Motels (Are you kidding me? I'm in pain over this appearance. Say it ain't so, Martha, say it ain't so) and some other bands we can't determine because of Vernon's accent. It's an hour we will never get back. Chuck said it made him yearn for "Celebrity Boxing". He decides it's so gross, he has to take a shower. I editorialize by taking something else.

See you next Thursday at 9:00!

Last night, I went for a walk. I like to take walks down by Cleveland Browns Stadium and the Rock Hall. It's a pretty neat location, because there really isn't anyone down there and with a cool breeze off the lake, it's great for clearing the head. And I try to get down there as often as I can.

While I was down there last night, I noticed City Mission has a bus parked by the stadium. The first thing that popped into my head was ---> field trips! But I'm not sure who would be eligible to go. It seemed to me this has to be a program different than their work for the homeless. But who knows?

Meal of Links

With the anniversary of 10-cent Beer Night approaching, a recap. Tait/Score transcript of the end included. And they sold 65,000 cups of Stroh's.

Some kid from San Diego spelled a really long word and won today's Spelling Bee. The word was "appoggiatura". Y-e-s, I T-I-V-Oed I-t.

Kevin Spacey has decided to take an ego trip and star in a reality show, "K-PAX Confidential".

Exercise Yard



It was all fun and games at the press conference to introduce Mike Brown as Cavs coach. "He was our first choice."...if Phil Jackson and Flip Saunders said no.

Visitor

38 Across: Plastic ___ Band (3 letters) Answer: Ono

I thought it was pretty cool that the identity of "Deep Throat" was finally revealed. And God bless the Washington Post. If they tell you that you'll be protected as a source, they'll do it. It's interesting how these non-stories are creeping up. You know, the Post got scooped by Vanity Fair, and the right thinks Mark Felt as the number two man in the FBI should not have broken the law. That's poppycock. Woodward and Bernstein will have something in the Post tomorrow and I cannot wait.

Let's revel in this man, for whatever his motives, who perceived something terribly wrong with the government and helped bring about change. I am so glad I was old enough during that era to soak in everything I could about those times.

Rerun "All the President's Man" soon. Jason Robards, in his bathrobe, as Ben Bradlee: "Nothing's riding on this except the, uh, first amendment to the Constitution, freedom of the press, and maybe the future of the country. Not that any of that matters, but if you guys fuck up again, I'm going to get mad. Goodnight."

I love that quote.

Next: Where's Hoffa?

Meal of Links

I love it when Ted Turner speaks in public. I've seen him on newscasts and various C-Span events over the years and it's quite a mixed bag. This time it's that CNN spends too much time on the "pervert of the day".

OLN gets the syndication rights to "Survivor". Crap. I was gonna watch that dancing with the stars show until I saw Trista on there. Uh-uh, can't do it.

Jerry Lawler quotes. I bet Jim Cornette said half of these first.

Exercise Yard

The 49ers front office made a training tape that didn't go over very well. (Quicktime)

Visitor

23 Across: "To Kill A Mockingbird" author (3 letters) Answer: Lee. Amazingly, that was her only book.