It's been an odd day. What are the odds of following the same car to and from work on I-77? Think about it, three seconds longer at the toll booth, dumbass going slow in speed lane, everything has to be aligned perfectly. Then this afternoon, someone made an ICEE run at work. I usually don't participate, but I opted for Coke. Well, they came back from the Circle K and I couldn't believe ICEEs now come in semi-Gigantor size. Jeezy creezy, I'm still not down from that stuff.



Nevertheless, it's Thursday and that can only mean...it's "Hit Me Baby One More Time". Of course, just when I think I have permanently erased it from my memory, we have last week's recap of Vanillar Ice winning. Apparently his deportation hearing was delayed as Vernon Kay once again kicks off the show. Spewing crap like "great tunes are timeless", V's English lessons are now entering summer school. Just then the phone rings and "Who Can It Be Now"? Why it's Mr. Mix calling me from FLA. Chuck, not knowing this series is being rerun on Bravo on Wednesdays, admits to me that he left a group at a bar watching the NBA Finals to run home and record last week's episode at this time. The lure of this series knows no boundaries.

First up, it's Wang Chung doing "Everyone Have Fun Tonight". I don't really have a problem with these guys. I love the movie "To Live and Die in LA" (Dafoe!!) and these guys contributed the soundtrack and there is some good stuff on it. But Vernon introduces them with lame-o crap like "When was the last time you Wang Chunged?" God, what an idiot. Anyhow, the boys come out and they are...still ugly. Oh boy, this is weak. It appears the singer has lost a lot of strength in his voice. We decide it's mediocre, at best.

Next, Sophie B. Hawkins sings "Dom, I Wish I Was Your Lover", her tribute to Dom DeLuise. Oh no, that's just Vernonspeak for "Damn, I Wish I was Your Lover". V says this song made everyone "own up to their innermost urges". I'm thinking bowel movements as I've disliked this song forever. Sophie B. has a drum as she's introduced. Chuck says, "This might be the African version." Nope, it's just a prop. Near the conclusion, Sophie eventually takes her shirt off and channeling Virgil from WCW (long story), reveals a tank top emblazoned with "Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover". Zip-for-two seems to be the consensus.

It pains me to see Cameo as the next performer, as they are personal favorites of mine. I actually have the "Word Up" CD. Vernon sets a world record for uttering the word funk about 600 times in a minute. Vernon can barely spit out his next sentence, as he refers to Cameo as a band who has "proudly flown the flag of funk". He says "Word Up" spread like a "sonic inferno". Not to be confused with "Disco Inferno". Anyhow, the boys come on stage. Larry Blackmon still has the codpiece on. For kicks, he should have had a Cialis version. He also has a hat on that makes it appear as if flames are shooting out of his head. Chuck thinks he looks like the Heat Miser, I think he looks like a guy I work with. Chuck asks if it's a facial resemblance or does that guy wear a codpiece as well. We decide that if you wear a codpiece on stage, you should wear it in public all the time, like when shopping at Wal-Mart, pumping gas, etc. By far, their version is the best this evening. Vernon ruins the mood by pointing at the codpiece saying, "I gotta get me one of those."

Howard Jones is next with "No One Is To Blame". I am convinced Howard will have a hat on, because his hairline is resembling that of the golfer Jim Furyk. Vernon tells us Howard was the "sultan of the synthesizer" and a "master of melody". Vernon is the "dumbest of the dumbasses". Howard comes out sans headwear, but his hairstyle reminds us of hair the Red Rooster used to sport in the WWF. Chuck makes a noise like the Red Rooster. Howard is not playing a synthesizer, but has been demoted to "peon of the piano". The crowd starts to yawn and is not into it all. We decide it's a decent version.

Irene Cara is next with "What a Feeling". This version is more like "Fame, It's So Fleeting". Irene is strutting around like it's 1980 again. Our sense is that the mostly female audience identifies with this song more than any other presented this evening. She's the leader in the clubhouse. Once again, Vernon invites anyone watching to stab knitting needles into his eyes when we see him because of this encounter:

V.: "Where do you keep your Oscar?"
Irene: "In the closet."
V.: "I'll come around and polish it for you."

WTF?

Now for the current hits. Wang Chung chooses "Hot in Here" by Nelly. This sounds exactly what you would think it would sound like. Two old white guys doing karaoke of a hip-hop tune. Dreadful. Sophie B. sings "100 Years" by Five for Fighting. She should get Ten for Butchering. We thought she was going for the undecided male vote by dressing up for this song, slit skirt and all. Then we realized there aren't many guys in the audience. Cameo sings the Bowling for Soup song, "1985". Larry has the same ensemble on, except for glasses. Prolly cause he has to see the lyrics on a prompter. Not that bad of a version.

In the clip before his song, Howard Jones says he is a Buddhist. Jesus, has he created a buzzkill at this event by choosing to sing "White Flag" by Dido. Chuck decides anyone who performs any song while sitting has no chance of winning. But we try to determine if we know any other Buddhist singers and can't think of one. We decide that since he will lose this evening, Howard Jones is bestowed the title of best Buddhist singer in the world. At this low point, Chuck and I agree that if you suck and have more than one hit, you could appeal to the producers that your second song could be one of your own hits.

Chuck gets excited when he finds out Irene Cara lives in Tampa. Then he wonders why he wasn't invited to tonight's party. Irene chooses an Anastasia song...but wait. It appears she has brought two ringers with her. It's as if it is Irene Cara and Destiny's Child. We are up in arms over this. I say Howard Jones should have brought out Eddie Vedder. Chuck says U2 should have played with Howard and Vernon could have said, "Thanks, Howard, for that great version of "Sunday, Bloody Sunday". This is a scandal of major proportions.

It's time for the audience vote and the winner is...Irene Cara! Rigged, I say. It's 20 grand to the charity "Women In The Arts". I would not be surprised to see if its Executive Director is Irene Cara. Chuck leaves to go rioting in downtown Tampa, I go online looking for codpieces.

Next week's artists are Greg Kihn (you must be joking, another fave), Baha Men, Thelma Houston, Glass Tiger and TBD.

Meal of Links

Wake the kids, call the neighbors. Birthing at home is deemed safe. Sorry doesn't clean it up.

How to make your own root beer. Seems like lots of work with Dairy Mart lurking close by.

The Runaway Bride cashes in. They better ask her about Vegas.

Exercise Yard

A critique of the setup at Pinehurst No. 2 for the US Open. Must have tougher competition.

Visitor

26 Across: One of the Stooges (5 letters) Answer: Shemp (not Iggy)