I was talking to my good friend Chuck a.k.a. Mr. Mix, from Florida, during the show "Hit Me Baby One More Time". Premise of the show is to dredge up some 80's bands, who sing their hit and a current hit. Audience votes, winner wins 20 grand for their favorite charity. It's not why he called, but Chuck dutifully reminded me during the first part of our conversation that this show started at 9:00. First off, the host is not Murray the K nor Bill Murray the K, but Vernon Kay, who elicited question marks and a huge WTF from both of us. Either all of the performers were tiny or this guy is 8 feet tall. Anyhow, Chuck decided he had to "Google that bad boy" because we drew a blank.

First performer--Loverboy. What do they sing, but "Workin' for the Weekend". It appears that Mike Reno has been working the weekend buffet line. They did an absolutely horrible rendition of the tune. They had five guys on stage and the organist was way back on the right. Reno had his hair colored in a lovely Ronald Reagan red. A wonderful accident seems to have entered our lives.

Second performer--Ce Ce Peniston. Not paying attention, we thought it was the chick from the C.C. Music Factory. But I didn't hear the word "booty" and neither one of us recognized her tune. Apparently she sang at the Clinton inaugural, which made her a 90's band, er, performer. I'd protest, but to whom? She has no band, so an organist appears on the left. But she was accompanied by two male dancers hoping to be discovered for some other show. Lemme see, unknown song + creepy choreography = lots of votes. Not on our watch.

Next up--A Flock of Seagulls. One of the guitarists came out dressed in shorts and I said, "Oh, Angus Young is in this band." We decided that their version of "I Ran" was so bad, it was criminal. I mentioned that if I was Jamie Farr on "The Gong Show", I would be ready to gong them. After each song, Vernon interviews the artist. He absolutely towers over the "hair guy" from the Flock. I say, "I have to go back to the shire now." Chuck says, "Be sure to say hello to Mister Frodo."

Next--Arrested Development. They sing their hit and actually do a credible job. The lead singer looks like Urkel. I still don't get the old guy, who resembles Pops Staples, and seems to wander aimlessly during the song. They are the leader in the clubhouse.

Last--Tiffany. Of course, she sings "I Think We're Alone Now". Is I Think parenthetical? Anyhow, the first thing we notice is the unflattering outfit she has on, which borders on maternity. The second and third thing we notice is Tiffany has major yabos. Must still be breastfeeding. She has a habit of bending over, which we decide would sway the undecided men. Ahem, Tiffany is now in the lead.

Vernon describes what happens next. Each performer will now sing a current hit. Loverboy decides to butcher the whole hog and carves up an Iglesias the Lesser song. Ce Ce sings a song we've never heard of, and we guess it was a hit for someone out there. The boys from the Flock come out to murder a Ryan Cabrera song. They tortured it a bit first. The drummer apparently recognized the train wreck of the first tune and immediately enrolls in the witness protection program and plays the drums on the staircase way in the back, hoping no one sees him. Arrested Development zooms back up front with a Los Lonely Boys tune. Tiffany chooses a less revealing outfit, a Kelly Clarkson song and the way to lose the competition.

So, it's over, but who votes? Damn, not the audience at home, but the studio audience. Channeling technology left from the "Love Connection", the audience decides who wins.

Vernon comes back in "2 and 2" and in a disturbing display of linguistics, decides to talk in some strange accented way. During the entire program, he seems to be an English chap. At the close, we cannot determine if he's a Brit, an Aussie or a Scot. Maybe we should vote on that. The crowd has spoken and the winner is...Arrested Development!!! Twenty grand goes to Unicef and A.D. is probably scheduled to appear at the Cleveland version of Live 8.

Next week includes The Knack, The Motels (Are you kidding me? I'm in pain over this appearance. Say it ain't so, Martha, say it ain't so) and some other bands we can't determine because of Vernon's accent. It's an hour we will never get back. Chuck said it made him yearn for "Celebrity Boxing". He decides it's so gross, he has to take a shower. I editorialize by taking something else.

See you next Thursday at 9:00!

Last night, I went for a walk. I like to take walks down by Cleveland Browns Stadium and the Rock Hall. It's a pretty neat location, because there really isn't anyone down there and with a cool breeze off the lake, it's great for clearing the head. And I try to get down there as often as I can.

While I was down there last night, I noticed City Mission has a bus parked by the stadium. The first thing that popped into my head was ---> field trips! But I'm not sure who would be eligible to go. It seemed to me this has to be a program different than their work for the homeless. But who knows?

Meal of Links

With the anniversary of 10-cent Beer Night approaching, a recap. Tait/Score transcript of the end included. And they sold 65,000 cups of Stroh's.

Some kid from San Diego spelled a really long word and won today's Spelling Bee. The word was "appoggiatura". Y-e-s, I T-I-V-Oed I-t.

Kevin Spacey has decided to take an ego trip and star in a reality show, "K-PAX Confidential".

Exercise Yard



It was all fun and games at the press conference to introduce Mike Brown as Cavs coach. "He was our first choice."...if Phil Jackson and Flip Saunders said no.

Visitor

38 Across: Plastic ___ Band (3 letters) Answer: Ono