There is a Tim Horton's in Kandahar. Its employees are actually eligible for war medals and, oddly enough, not one of them waited on me.

But I Google Mapped it anyhow. It's a long drive.

Meal of Links

No shit. This has to be the most fascinating interview about farts I have ever read.

A whole bunch of movies that are remakes or reboots. 75 of 'em and I think the only one that interests me is "Robocop". I love "Robocop".

Darryl Strawberry fires himself. Probably had to catch up on his DVR library.

Exercise Yard

Showtime sponsors the Southern 500. I don't mind their sponsorship, I just wish it wasn't for such an historic race.

Visitor

23 Across: Comic Phillips (3 letters) Answer: Emo

So, I'm at Giant Eagle this morning and I realize I forgot my list. So, I'm standing by the place where the weekly circulars reside, scanning one before I start my shopping.

All of a sudden I hear a voice say, "Do you always block the aisle like this?". Now, mind you, I thought this was uttered by someone I might have known, because I thought to myself, WTF? But I look up and I have no idea who this person is, besides "Annoying Customer".

Then he repeated what he said, and I realized he may have a speech impediment or be a bit off mentally. So I told him, "Yeah, I do this every week when I come here." and I moved my cart slightly.

Jeezy creezy, these things happen to me all the time. Admittedly, I lean towards zero tolerance sometimes...uh...more often than not...a lot, but not "Excuse me." or "Sir, your cart?" or something similar.

"I got a threshold, Jules. I got a threshold for the abuse that I will take. Now, right now, I'm a fuckin' race car, right, and you got me in the red. And I'm just sayin', I'm just sayin' that it's fuckin' dangerous to have a race car in the fuckin' red. That's all. I could blow."

Meal of Links

Pictures of early 20th century British drunks. Lots of hats.

The FreeCreditReport.com is (gulp!) French Canadian. Therefore, it's not him who is doing the singing. I'm guessing it's Martha Dash.

What life would be like married to a porn star. Lots of free time, I bet.

Exercise Yard

Joe Calzaghe has snorted cocaine. Uh-oh.

Visitor

None, on a rainy Sunday.

Well, the Madness is winding down. Four games this weekend and three games next weekend for your Easter weekend viewing pleasure.

My Final Four picks are:

Kansas (OUT)
BYU (OUT)
West Virginia
Duke

Butler is now in the Final Four. Get used to the "Hoosiers" references all week. May as well start here. In any language, it's the same as the baskets in Hickory:

Es muy grande...heh, heh



Meal of Links

During March Madness, you see a ton of the same commercials. In the past, I thought the Southwest Airlines ads about free baggage were neat. You know, "Bags are my life...". But what is with the latest one? Geez, you got a Cheech Marin/Chris Rock-type voice saying, "Take my bag, not my money." I dunno, it just cheapens the whole bit. Now AirTran gets into the act.

Know your hand gestures. Especially overseas.

Really bad fast foods. It took me to Number 9, before there was something I'd actually eaten. And I've never had a P'Zone, I'm glad to say. But there are standards here that are unavoidable at one time or another. like a Big Mac.

Is Seinfeld losing it? I still haven't seen "The Marriage Ref".

Rep. Alan Grayson introduces the public option. Remember, the one that should have been in the bill just passed. Glenn Greenwald has an interview.

Fresh Pots with Dave Grohl



Exercise Yard

Scouting college players during March Madness. Trajan Langdon gets a mention.

Visitor

45 Down: "Doonesbury" hippie (6 letters) Answer: Zonker

It surprised me that it snowed today. WTF? As I was heading home it changed from rain to snow instantaneously. I've seen some spring snows with heavy totals, so a dusting was OK. I guess.

Meal of Links

From the land of cheap. Sur La Table will sharpen two of your knives for F-R-E-E. And Pfaltzgraff has an insane sale for a few days.

Electric cart runs over 4 people at Houston airport. That is a nice, large airport with a lot of people who can get in the way of these things. But this cart was driverless. Hah!

"Twin Peaks" twenty years later. "I'm worried about Coop."

Iggy retires from stagediving. Oh, he'll take his shirt off at the drop of a hat, but no more diving off stages.

"At The Movies" gets cancelled. But Roger Ebert has plans.

The Pope is in trouble. Accompanied by creepy photo I recommend viewing with full light present.

Exercise Yard

Not much to report on March Madness as it cranked up again. Big win by Butler, but I only picked one game correctly.

My Winners:

Syracuse (I had them losing their next game)
BYU (I thought they would take Kansas State)
Wisconsin (This is the game I thought would hold down Kentucky. They had 62 tonight)West Virginia (My only correct pick)

Friday's Winners:

Kansas (Did not see UNI coming, had them winning one and out)
Ohio State
Duke
Baylor

Visitor

43 Across: Coward of the stage (4 letters) Answer: Noel

If you want to catch up on some very good thoughts about the aftermath of healthcare reform, you need to read some items from two people.

David Frum on the right.

Glenn Greenwald on the left.

And Ezra Klein's blog in the Washington Post has been very informative, as well.

Meal of Links

They signed Beau Bridges to play Rocky in "The Rockford Files". I guarantee a Hispanic person will play Angel Martin. A really good summary of the old show is here. Even Tom Selleck, who was Lance White in the original, says you can't remake the show without James Garner. Can you imagine Dermot Mulroney pulling this off:

Rockford Wins A Fight



"Maury" makes a comeback. Ratings are up 44%. He may outlast them all.

How to nap. Hey, at 20 minutes, I'm barely gettin' started on napping.

"The Future of Rock and Roll" is on life support. Again. "If I had a million dollars..."

Memorable elevator scenes. Even "Vanilla Sky" is represented.

Dwight Yoakam and the Bakersfield sound. A proud Ohio State dropout. If you listen to anything here, make it "This Drinkin' Will Kill Me".

Sinead O'Connor is still mad at the Pope. Not the old Pope, the new guy.

Chris Matthews got healthcare wrong. Really wrong. It is train-wreck hilarious.

The Onion seems to not like Brady Quinn. Like TBS, very funny.

Exercise Yard

The Preakness wises up. Attendance dropped last year, so how to bring the kids back? The $20 bottomless mug of beer!

Visitor

47 Across: Obama attorney general Eric (6 letters) Answer: Holder

I actually watched more news programming than March madness today, because it looks like healthcare is going to pass tonight. Halle-fuckin'-lujah!. I am tired of costs going up and having to remove myself from a Cadillac plan because I just can't afford it with the monumental increases I've had the last 3 years. Increases that, to me, remain unexplained.

There are obviously some things I wish were in this bill, like the public option, and we can't roll over on that one. But this is a giant step forward. And I still can't fathom why anyone would be against this sort of legislation. Especially with the elimination of pre-existing conditions and lifetime caps. So, let's quit spitting on legislators and badgering poor folks in Columbus with Parkinson's and contemplate what is being done tonight.

It's about time. Next up: Reconciliation in the evil Senate.

Meal of Links

Your healthcare updates here.

The Amazing Randi is gay. Now, get back to badgering Benny Hinn.

I'm thinking I have to order some furniture. Reminds me of this...

"Drinking Coke"/Bill Hicks



Ben Folds Does Chat Roulette Live



Exercise Yard

Very sad last night. I got Farokhmaneshed.

Visitor

None, on a historic Sunday.

I finally got my taxes done today. I can't remember the last time I got zero back from the state, but that's what I got...Zippo! And, of course, when you refi, you lose some of that deduction, but I still get a check back from the feds.

So, overall, not too bad.

But today, I also forgot that my Third Federal branch moved temporarily. That's an odd feeling searching the memory bank for that "Oh, yeah, where did they go?" moment. Then I remembered where they moved. A hint: How about some signage for people who forget what they received in the mail?

And from the department of the unnecessary: National City sent me a new bankcard, which I think is going to be active for exactly three weeks until we get the PNC makeover. That seems like a waste of money.

Meal of Links

I wonder this virtually every time a pizza chain comes out with something new. Is there anything Americans won't eat.

It's amazing what can be done these days. An acne drug renders HIV dormant.

The Saints won the Super Bowl. Now here comes the ticket price increase and others may lose their seats.

Exercise Yard

The Madness continues. I had an even better day yesterday, even after losing 2 of the first three games played, giving me 25 correct after the first round. Nice wins by Georgia Tech and Cal last night.

Everyone needs to pray for the Mormons in the last game tonight. My whole bracket rides on the ability of BYU winning tonight and getting to Salt Lake City next week. The first two games today didn't matter much as I didn't have a dog in either fight. I thought Tennessee would already be gone and I thought Villanova would lose today, but I had Richmond instead of St. Mary's doing that. But Butler came through.





























Today's winners:

Richmond (already done)
San Diego State (already done)
Butler
Kansas (losing at the half...uh-oh)
Baylor
Washington
BYU
Kentucky

Sunday's winners (all still alive):

Syracuse
Ohio State
Maryland
West Virginia
Wisconsin
Pittsburgh
Texas A&M
Duke

Four March Madness articles guaranteed you'll see next week.

Visitor

1 Across: "The West Wing" creator (11 letters) Answer: Aaron Sorkin (another one of those way too easy Saturday puzzles)

It was a good opening day for me and my respective March Madness pools. And, as always, remember this as you are watching. The higher seed always wears white.

What is going on with the Big East? Ohio almost puts up 100 on Georgetown, Villanova (who I thought would exit early) barely beat Bob Morris, Notre Dame was exposed as a fraud, and the track meet that was Washington-Marquette ended with a loss for Marquette. I have Louisville leaving early, Pitt only winning two games, and Syracuse not making the Final Four. I do, however, have West Virginia in the Final Four.

Outside of Georgetown, I thought the poorest effort was by Richmond, who I thought would knock Villanova out, and now they are going home. Everyone seemed to also be on UTEP against Butler. But Butler has now one 21 in a row and completely took UTEP apart in the second half. There is something to be said for winning your regular season and conference tournament, as Butler did.

My Final Four pick of BYU almost ended as they played in the first game of the tournament and had to go to 2 OTs to beat Florida. Ruh-roh.

Without question, the dumbest team I saw all day was Texas. (Can you tell I picked those losers?) Blew an 8-point lead in OT. To effin' Wake.

Your recap here.

Friday's winners:

Michigan State
Maryland
Georgia Tech
Ohio State

Syracuse
Florida State
Minnesota
Pittsburgh

Temple
Wisconsin
Missouri
West Virginia

Duke
California
Texas A&M
Purdue

Meal of Links

You know if you need to cash your checks at something other than a payday lender, try Wal-Mart. Cheaper fees.

As I was watching March Madness today, who shows up? Why it's Murray from "Flight of the Conchords" on an HP commercial. Murray? Present.

Sometimes you stumble upon a movie where an actor shows up for one scene and steals the movie. Rare when it happens. But that's Alec Baldwin in "Glengarry Glen Ross". "A...B...C. a always, b be, c closing. Always be closing! Always be closing!".

Clapper outtakes from "Inglourious Basterds". Very funny.

Alex Chilton died yesterday. So, let's listen to...

"Alex Chilton"/Paul Westerberg



Exercise Yard

The Best Nicknames in Sports. They are all here. From "Pocket Hercules" to "The Black Widow" to "The Snake" to "The Pearl".

Visitor

34 Across: Ford Field team (5 letters) Answer: Lions

My Saint Patrick's Day this year consisted of getting a giant corned beef just around the corner from me at the Old Brooklyn Deli. I'm not sure how they do year-round but on March 17, the crowds are always huge. They really pile it on and do a good job.

I still prefer Goodman's, but why go there or Slyman's today where you need a GPS just to find the end of the line, let alone grab some sammies.

Meal of Links

The trailer for the Bill Hicks (only the best comedian ever) doc is out. This is on my must-see list.

Check out this school lunch. What a lame-looking cheeseburger.

Kate Winslet and Sandra Bullock are or soon may be available again.

"Treme" starts on HBO on April 11. If it's half as good as "The Wire", it should be a great ride.

While Kucinich changes to a "yes" vote on healthcare, another "yes" vote is probably more important. Rep. Kildee goes along.

Exercise Yard

The Madness starts tomorrow. S. and I were at Hoopples taco night last night to do a combo bracket for a pool. Decent enough grub, but probably not the 5 stars the PD claimed. You get bean, chicken or beef at 2 for 3 dolla. Can't beat the view or cheap Labatts before 8.

Here are my picks for Thursday:

Kansas
Northern Iowa
San Diego State
Georgetown

Butler
Murray State ("What? You're doing brackets?")
BYU
Kansas State

Kentucky
Texas
Washington
New Mexico

Old Dominion
Baylor
Richmond
Villanova

Final Four: Kansas, BYU, West Virginia, Duke

Visitor

52 Across: Legendary archer (11 letters) Answer: William Tell

The announce teams and their locations have been decided for March Madness. Gus Johnson gets to shuffle off to Buffalo. He'll call Syracuse. And West Virginia.

Meal of Links

Here are the largest mergers and acquisitions in history. I wonder how many have been considered succcessful.

Larry David says he'll be back. And not much more. Leon's back, as well.

Who didn't see this coming. She's another Christie Brinkley. Then there's Schwimmer.

The reverse mortgage did not help Peter Graves. I repeat. The reverse mortgage did not help Peter Graves.

The least valuable Democrat. Yep, he's my Congressman.

Exercise Yard

The Rays can't draw anyone on Fridays. So, they've decided to make their stadium "a baseball nightclub".

Visitor

10 Across: Journalist Nellie (3 letters) Answer: Bly

If I see or read one more reference to "corned beef" as "corn beef", I may harm someone. Seriously.

Anyhow, with Brady Quinn shuffled off to Denver, the Browns went out and signed Jake Delhomme. I kinda like the guy. In between his two best years, Carolina always had injury problems and they seemed to claw their way to respectability each year. Until last year.

Not worried about year two of that deal, as it probably won't happen due to labor strife. One overlooked item is regardless of how bad Delhomme was last year, and he was bad, he still had a better QB rating than the two guys we are dumping. And every year in Carolina, until last season, his rating was above 80.

This is a test to see if Mike Holmgren truly is the QB Whisperer. He may feel Delhomme can still make the throws, and that he can correct his recent penchant for making those throws to the other team. 30 of his career 94 INTs have come in the last two seasons.

Last season, Delhomme had three really bad games. A terrible opener against the Eagles, a game that ended his season with the Jets, and a Buffalo loss in which he threw for 325 with 3 interceptions. But he was not a total failure, as there was a close road game with the Saints, a road win at Arizona and both games against Atlanta where he was pretty good.

My guess is Delhomme will be a bridge to whoever that next guy is. He'll give us what a veteran should give. The ability to make some plays, hopefully keep the stupid ones to a minimum (and in our division, that may be asking a lot), and some leadership.

One thing we do know is Delhomme will make a lot of cash money in 2010. $12 million from Carolina to leave and $7 million from the Browns to play.

Meal of Links

"Hello, Prius!", now where did you go with your sudden acceleration? Investigators are having trouble duplicating the latest incident.

The discoverer of the PSA test for prostate cancer says, "Not so fast, my friend.". Even he thinks the test is overused.

Pink Floyd was in the news this week. Reunion? Hah! They won a court case against EMI preventing Pink Floyd songs from being downloaded as singles. Something about the artistic value of a whole album.

Hitch rewrites The Ten Commandments.

Country music as a subject in the movies. Lots of 'em.

I always liked Blue Oyster Cult and since I heard this song yesterday, it will now stick in your head. "...Books by blameless and by the dead. King in yellow, the Queen in red..."

"E.T.I"/Blue Oyster Cult



Exercise Yard

I saw the last 4 rounds of the Pacquiao-Clottey fight last night. Our friends, the Chinese, didn't have a feed or one I could find, so I found one from the UK. Didn't miss much. Pacquiao dominated for 12 rounds and was not really in any serious trouble. Most impressive was 50,000 in attendance at Jerry's World.

Let's see if Pacquiao meets Mayweather later this year.

Visitor

None, on a cloudy Selection Sunday.

I have my new home network up and running. I decided to use whatever money I am getting back from the US Government as an opportunity to get a new laptop. So I had my eye on an HP that I goofed up a couple of weeks ago by not taking advantage of a sale. Lo and behold, this week it was back on sale. I got a good deal and a rebate to boot.

This is the one I got, one of the Quick-Ship models, the HP G60-630US. It's weird because I haven't had a laptop since mine was pilfered in my robbery several years ago. Plus I have been without a DVD player for a while, as well, and thought it might be wise to get back in the techie game. My router took a while to like me, but that is running now and I'm able to escape the shackles of my PC. So far, so good.

Meal of Links

How to play tricks on your brain. The inverted binoculars trick seems the easiest one to try. Now, go get injured.

Donald Glover is definitely a bright spot on "Community". Then again, they have a pretty smart cast over there.

Drinking tips! Yes, it's about time for that refresher course to reduce hangovers.

Exercise Yard

I laughed hard at this clip with lots of...

Soccer Theatrics



I was stumbling through the dial and I noticed this live on BBC America. Six Nations Rugby! Since when?

Visitor

12 Down: "This American Life" host (8 letters) Answer: Ira Glass

ESPN's "30 for 30" starts up again on Sunday. So, after you've digested this year's brackets, you need to watch this one. It's "Winning Time", about Reggie Miller and the New York Knicks. And it's from one of my favorite doc directors, Dan Klores.

Klores has done "Crazy Love", a doc on Ezzard Charles "Ring of Fire", and last year's really good ESPN doc on basketball from from small black colleges and universities "Black Magic". Excellent stuff all.

Meal of Links

Metro maps. With RTA goodness.

Which death affected you more? Corey Haim or Merlin Olsen?

Pop Culture Spelling Bee! I got 9 of 12, mainly missed crap I did not watch. But I got the last one!

Catching up with Steve Lillywhite. And he is serious about replacing Simon Cowell.

WTF? That was Katherine McPhee on "Community".

Short history of health-care reform. And why the government can't continually punt on the issue.

The Top 20 5-Second Films



Exercise Yard

CBS has given us these announcer pairings for March Madness. Gus is always great in March. I like Spero Dedes (the Lakers announcer), but he's paired with a not-so-good guy. Dick Enberg was subbed out the last few years for two games, is that a comeback?

Visitor

19 Across: Paul in the center square (5 letters) Answer: Lynde

The Derek Anderson Era is over. Then he went all Sean Penn on the way out. Not sure what to make of it all, as I kinda liked the guy. But the NFL highway is littered with guys who get 15-20 starts (in D.A.'s case, 34), some with early success, and then they just seem to fade away.

But it's better to burn out than fade away.

Which leads us to the Seneca Wallace Era. I don't mind Wallace as he knows how to run the offense. Not Brian Daboll's offense, mind you, but Mike Holmgren's offense. All I can say is, we better have a starter prepared to run this offense. I don't want Brady Quinn or someone of his ilk learning this offense from a guy (Daboll) they admit is taking a crash course in learning this offense.

I see way too many times during a game this upcoming season where Holmgren will say, "Why did he call that play at that time?".

Meal of Links

The easiest way to make a timeline. Ryan Garko in the outfield would be a good one.

NPR has the White Stripes live. DVD out next week.

Time catches up with Chelsea Handler. She is always funny.

Many have asked for it and now here it is. The Hall and Oates tribute by The Bird and the Bee.

Coco does good. Even Larry King gravy trains.

Why pick on Bob Barker? Now? Old '70s clips.

Exercise Yard

Speaking of timelines, the epitome of the Sports Bathroom Break. Water usage in Edmonton during the Gold Medal Hockey Game at the Olympics.

Visitor

33 Down: Cosmetician Lauder (5 letters) Answer: Estee (She lived til she was 97)

It's that annual night of celebrating the movie industry, while also affording everyone the opportunity to stab each other in the back. Yes, it's Oscar Night. Checked in on the Red Carpet Show on ABC, and I can only describe it as godawful. Terrible hosts (chick from "The View" who doesn't believe in dinosaurs, Kathy Ireland, etc.) and they could only find the editor of EW as host? Can't believe I would ever say I miss Chris Connolly.

And, so it begins...

The Hosts

This year's hosts were a duo, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. First time for Baldwin and third time for Martin. If you watch this every year as I do, you notice that, outside of the opening monologue, the role is actually reduced from what it was, even a few years ago. They rely on a disembodied voice to take us through most of the presenters, especially in the last 90 minutes, and that voice takes us in and out of any commercial breaks.

When Baldwin and Martin appeared at the end for goodbyes, you almost forgot they actually hosted the program.

One other thing. It's gone full circle. "The Oscar goes to..." has been replaced by the soul-crushing "And the winner is..." once more. See, it's for the kids. There are winners AND losers. Especially in Hollywood.

The Commercials

Before I start with the recap, a word on Oscar commercials.

The "Family Matters" commercial on their family party with Oscar Charades was outstanding.

How do women feel about buying birth control named after Carl Yastrzemski? That would be like men buying Ruth Buzzi condoms, I would think.

What was going on with Cervical Cancer? It's a perfume? It smells? WTF?

Cottonelle. Roll over. Not funny, old tired routine. But nice tie-in with much of the crap we've been exposed to this evening.

The Show

All of the Best Actor and Actress nominees appear on stage at the start to get their applause. They line up alphabetically, so it starts with Jeff Bridges and Sandra Bullock and ends up with Meryl Streep. Kudos to who thought of that.

Then we are ready for our hosts, but wait. That's Neil Patrick Harris music. As he sang, "What's he doing here?". Well, he is opening the Oscars with a song and dance to the tune of "No one wants to do it alone". For some reason, Melanie Griffith gets a screenshot during this segment. She is alive.

Steve Martin, wearing glasses, and Alec Baldwin descend from high above the stage and assume the position they will remain in all night. Did you notice? Martin had his hands clasped at all times and Baldwin let his arms hang uncomfortably at his side all evening.

Many, many jokes. Annual one about Meryl Streep losing. "Most losses".

Nice jab at "Last Station". Someone may need to poke Christopher Plummer at times. He's old.

"Invictus" joke: "About rugby and tension between blacks and whites."

Damn, corrected to, Dame Helen Mirren. "What's up with the Hitler memorabilia?"

The cast of "Precious" appears to be in a seating section provided by Southwest Airlines. Martin says he and the nominee both starred in their first film as a "poor black child".

For James Cameron, they both put on 3-D glasses. Nice touch.

I think Woody Harrelson got only a few screenshots all night, the lowest for any nominee. "He's so high." was uttered by Baldwin.

George Clooney is staring again. Like a guy who had to pay for parking, when he couldn't find a parking meter.

Kathryn Bigelow looks great for a 58-year old chick. "Gift basket with a timer" was what she sent to ex-husband Cameron, while "he got her a Toyota."

They said a Jewish joke, so (as Oscar usually does) they show one of the Coens.

Sandra Bullock looks over-makeupfied.

First presenter of the evening is Agnes Mishkin. No, it's Penelope Cruz. No, Penelope, no! Don't do it! No! Aw, she started speaking. She is there to deliver the Best Supporting Actor award. Of course, it goes to Christoph Waltz, as it should have. I think he gave that same speech at the Golden Globes and has since refined it.

Ryan Reynolds intros "The Blind Side". There are 10 Best Film Nominees. Get used to this adding time.

Steve Carrell and Cameron Diaz are out next for Best Animated feature. "When you are as beautiful as Cameron and I...". The joke here is that Steve is replacing Jude Law as presenter. No one gets it. "Up" wins. And Ed Asner, the main voice in the film, seems to be in the Bob Uecker row.

Time to mention two things here. First of all, virtually every woman you see tonight, is sporting a Veronica Lake look with their hair. Second, the presenters, especially before the kiddies go to bed, are skewing toward a younger demo.

Now, it's Miley Cyrus (and that truck driver voice) and Amanda Seyfried for Best Original Song. Which, thankfully, we don't have to hear in their entirety. Randy Newman looks like he'll lose twice more this year. And he does. The song from "Crazy Heart" wins. And T-Bone Burnett is definitely sporting a T-Bone look this evening. But T-Bone lets the other guy do the thankin'.

Some guy intros "District 9". Now "District 13", I like. I didn't see "District 9".

Next up, it's Tina Fey and Robert Downey, Jr. to present Best Original Screenplay. Downey is channeling Peter Bogdanovich with his look this evening. They show Robin Williams in the crowd looking very serious. Tarantino might have been hosed here. "The Hurt Locker" wins. Did I just see Jane Seymour? I am sensing an omen with this win for "The Hurt Locker".

Not sure what is going on next. Now I do. It's a tribute to the late director, John Hughes. Molly Ringwald (yes, that Molly Ringwald) and Ferris Bueller with the honors. Ferris says for 25 years, people have been asking him if it's his day off. I assume he's punched a few of these questioners. How come Ducky isn't on? No clips. BTW, check out the March Vanity Fair. Fascinating article on Hughes. Omigod, it is Ducky! Let's see, after the clip package, on stage we have Ducky, Anthony Michael Hall, Judd Nelson, Macauley Culkin, Ferris, Molly Ringwald, and Ally Sheedy. Judd Nelson = Freak Show. Mickey Rourke's agent has him on the line.

Samuel L. intros "Up". "Up", motherfuckers! Have you seen it!".

It's time for Animated and other Shorts. Carey Mulligan from "An Education" and an "Avatar" chick present. It goes to "Logorama". This is actually cool. There is a runaway Ronald McDonald, maybe driving a Toyota, going through this land of logos. Put it this way, I saw two M&M's get runded over. It's from a French guy, who is actually funny in his speech. No "Domo Arigato", but fine.

Short goes to "Music by Prudence". Guy starts acceptance, then seems to be interrupted by random woman who must be a slow Oscar-deserving walker. Because she knows way too much about the movie to be a random. Very odd. Security was on high alert, I imagine.

The next Short goes to "The New Tenants". Poor Tivi can't give his acceptance, because, as usual, Person No. 1 hogs the mike. For all of you kids out there, try to be Person No. 1, because Person No. 2 always gets shafted.

Ben Stiller is dressed up as a character from "Avatar" to present Best Makeup. Every year, he is picked to so something weird and I kinda like it. He admits "Avatar" is not even nominated and that he actually had two sets of Spock ears at home. Naturally, "Star Trek" wins.

The always lovely Rachel McAdams and Jake Gyllenhaal present Best Adapted Screenplay. "Up in the Air" has been cleaning up all the writing awards to this point, but there's a Tyler Perry sighting as "Precious" wins. I consider that an upset. Anyhow, the guy who won is taking forever with his speech. Hey, pal, prepare something next time, even if you have no shot. As Oscar always does, black man wins, so show Morgan Freeman, a fellow black person.

Another Oscar black person favorite, Queen Latifah, talks about the Governor's Award dinner. They honored Roger Corman, Gordon Willis, Lauren Bacall and John Calley. Corman and Bacall, who have better seats than Harvey Weinstein, take a bow to a Standing O, when people finally realize they are in the theater.

No wonder Robin Williams was serious. he is presenting the Best Supporting Actress Award. Of course, it goes to Mo'Nique. She tables the overly excited speech for the tough chick route. Talks about Hattie McDaniel incessantly.

British man, Colin Firth, intros British film, "An Education".

Sigourney Weaver is still gettin' it done at 60. She's on for Art Direction. "Avatar" with its first award and these winners had shitty seats. Kathy Bates looking tense. Keanu Reeves sighting.

Tom Ford and Sarah Jessica Parker come out for Costume Design. Tom Ford used to run Gucci, now he's a Director. Only in Hollywood. But he should have helped her out, as it was Bad Light Sarah Jessica Parker this evening. The winner brags about this being her third win and dedicates this win to those who will never win. Now that's why we like the Oscars. Hah!

Charlize Theron intros "Precious". A movie, quite frankly, I probably won't see. Looks like a laughfest.

For some reason, a Horror Movie Tribute has broken out. This gives Baldwin and Martin a chance to do a sketch where they are sleeping in the same bed. "That's gold, Jerry. Gold!". Actually, they could do this with Comedy. Same no respect, no awards, etc. routine. I think "Twilight" people introduce the clips. The girl coughs during her lines. Christ, I just saw Pinhead on the Oscars. And "Marathon Man" is not horror, my friends.

Zac Efron and Anna Kendrick are on stage to present Best Sound Editing. Morgan Freeman narrates. Maybe, one day, he'll meet up with his friend, Andy. "The Hurt Locker" wins and the guy can now afford a haircut. "The Hurt Locker" also wins for Best Sound Mixing.

The yummy Elizabeth Banks says three lines about the Science and Technical Awards and shows a photo of all the winners, surrounding her like a second grade class with their teacher.

John Travolta intros "Inglourious Basterds". "Let's kill some Natt-zees."

Sandra Bullock, sporting the Veronica Lake look. "Avatar" wins for Cinematography. She is talking as if she is still acting in "The Blind Side".

Demi Moore, sporting the Veronica Lake look, introduces the Dead People Scroll. Well, not exactly. She introduces James Taylor, who plays a Beatle song as the tape starts. Belatedly, I might add, as Patrick Swayze was first and you barely saw him and the next person. Others like Lou Jacobi "you cut the toi-key?", Dr. No, and God bless him, Larry Gelbart roll by. Karl Malden was last. I think he pulled his Academy rank on everyone.

J-Lo has a big dress on and looks like someone has redone her face when I was not looking. Her and an Aussie introduce Best Score. We hear the nominated music, but we have dancing, as well. Bathroom break! Couldn't they just show scenes from the movies? Actually, they don't even do that anymore. What we get are clips or even trailers, with no actual scenes from these movies. Anyhow, "Up" wins. Then the guy can't figure out where to get his award.

Bradley Cooper and Gerald Butler are probably mad at their agents, because they present a category, Visual Effects, with just 3 nominees. The winner is "Avatar".

Jason Bateman intros his own movie, "Up in the Air". OK, seems odd.

Matt Damon presents Best Doc. Jeepers, "The Cove" wins and Fisher Stevens is now an Oscar winner. Fisher Stevens! Remember him from the "Short Circuit" movies and he used to date Michelle Pfeiffer? Some guy held up a sign to text Dolphin to a number very eerily like my zip code.

First, Fisher Stevens, now Tyler Perry at the Oscars. Film Editing is his category. Somehow, Baldwin and Martin were shown in Snuggies. Not Cav Snuggies, but Snuggies nonetheless.

Almodovar, vying with Robin Williams as eldest presenter, and Tarantino present Best Foreign Language Film. Sort of a "Gay and Weirder" duo. I heard "Frawntz", not "France". Argentina wins for "The Secret in Their Eyes". "ole, ole, ole, ole...ole, ole." Guy brings up his whole family or something. I hate when non-winners get involved. This is not the Emmys.

Kathy Bates intros "Avatar" In glorious 2-D.

Best Actor is next. Introductions by (and, thankfully, no Googling this year of the nominees):

Michelle Pfeiffer-Jeff Bridges (sweet, but lengthy)
Vera Farmiga-George Clooney (cute, but "Crinkle in his eye"?)
Julianne Moore-Colin Firth (nice tribute)
Tim Robbins-Morgan Freeman (His friend, Andy, actually came to him this time)
Colin Farrell-Jeremy Renner (Farrell is shattering most of his stereotypes lately)

The winner, of course, is Jeff Bridges. I am not sure he was doing much acting as The Dude. I heard "groovy" and a few "man"s. I wish he had honored his Dad with, "It looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue." Beau Bridges got no mention.

Best Actress is next. Introductions by:

Forrest Whitaker-Sandra Bullock ("Hope Floats"...like a dead man)
Michael Sheen-Helen Mirren (she's a Queen and a Count-tess)
Peter Sarsgaard-Carey Mulligan (He's right. She's a keeper)
Oprah-"Precious" girl (She just got her Knight..I mean, Damehood)
Stanley Tucci-Meryl Streep (Quite devilish)

Sean Penn takes a break from wishing rectal cancer upon his enemies, babbles something about the Academy and finally presents the award to Sandra Bullock for "The Blind Side". Clinching not one surprise in the acting categories.

Barbra Streisand comes out to present Best Director. Come on, PricewaterhouseCoopers. Can't you keep a secret anymore? Kathryn Bigelow is there for the women, Lee Phillips for the blacks, and the rest, I guess, for all white men. Of course, Bigelow wins and it is well-deserved.

Tom Hanks, the Governor, saves us a whole bunch of time by coming out and opening his envelope immediately. The Best Picture award goes to "The Hurt Locker". I saw "The Hurt Locker" way back on August 3, and this is what I said at the time:

"The Hurt Locker" is clearly the best movie of the year, thus far. I get that it's only August and movies like this tend to be forgotten come Oscar time, but Jeremy Renner in the lead role, Katheryn Bigelow as director and the movie itself should be up for consideration next year."

So, I got one right. For a change.

Martin and Baldwin come on stage (oh yeah, they were the hosts) and bid us all farewell as the strains of "Hooray for Hollywood" were heard in the background.

I had not been to First Watch before. Originally, S. and I were gonna go to the one at Crocker, but all the kids out there must play, "Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey" on Saturdays, as it was crowded. So, we went to the one in Rocky River instead.

Not bad. I had some pancakes, which are huge, so I only had two. Had a side of sausage, although good, you only get 2 for $2.99. I like that V8 is an option. It looks like they are big on omelets, as well. Like I said, decent grub, but you may do better by supporting the locals. For instance, we passed Herb's (who has Saturday and Sunday breakfast) on the way and that place was jammed.

Meal of Links

The Big Picture posted Part 2 of Olympic photos this week. I am telling you that Crosby/Niedermayer picture is a classic. The timing involved with having Sid's gloves and sticks out of the picture and the Canadian captain Niedermayer coming over to start celebrating is awesome.

Lilith Fair. It's back. "Police Academy". It's back.

Did you ever wonder what music is popular in strip clubs? Funny you should ask. Weezer is extremely popular. I wonder if they play "Dope Nose".

"Dope Nose"/Weezer



Late-Period Steve Martin. He's into everything, and hosts the Oscars tomorrow.

The European Poker Tour was in Berlin this week. And they got robbed today. On live TV! Six gunmen took 800,000 euros.

You are more likely to be sentenced to death for offing someone of high status. So much for justice.

"Dexter" updates.

30 favorite opening lines in literature. The one from "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" is especially good.

Exercise Yard

I think it is cool when they name schools after people we've actually heard of. For instance, in Milton, Canada, they have named a new elementary school after the wrestler, Tiger Jeet Singh.

Visitor

38 Down: Actor who often said, "Sorry about that, Chief." (8 letters) Answer: Don Adams (Two weeks in a row with clean Saturday crossword sheets, as he pats himself on back)

Last night, it was a late decision to go see "The Godfather" at the Capitol. It was cheap and always good to see it on the big screen. Gale and I thought we should grab something to eat beforehand, so we settled on the Parkview. Well, service was kinda slow (it was packed), so we had to bag the movie.

But, they accommodated us for the wait, and, as usual, the food was pretty good. It was Wing Night and you get a dozen for $5. And Magic Hat is one of the happy Hour beers, so not so bad.

Meal of Links

Pre-grade your paper. Now, where is the fun in that?

This woman really hates "The Office". I am still recording, but barely watching it these days. Definitely in the TiNo category.

The right's latest derangement. It's a laughfest.

A sandwich shop with Wilco-themed sandwiches. In Toronto?

Producer Chuck Lorre puts up Vanity Cards at the end of each of his episodes. You've probably seen them after "The Big Bang Theory" or "Two and a Half Men". Here's the latest one from the latter series.

Eddie Izzard hosts The Independent Spirit Awards. That would be on Friday night on IFC at 11.

Exercise Yard

The Washington Nationals are pretty bad. With The Washington Times firing their sports department, there is only one beat reporter left to cover the Nationals. So, the former beat writer for the Times has started a blog and his readers sent him cash money to go cover spring training.

Visitor

49 Across: Actress Longoria (3 letters) Answer: Eva

I had a strange thing happen today. My neighbor's tree disappeared from their tree lawn. We lost a tree two doors down last year due to wind. I am not sure what happened to this one. I was working from home today and am not clear on when it took place.

I had an oil change early in the morning, so I was back by 9:30 and it was gone. Very little remnants left. Bizarre.

Meal of Links

Polkas in Cleveland. Yes, the Happy Dog is mentioned. BTW, my Dad figured out he doesn't have to eat a hot dog there by channeling Jack Nicholson from "Five Easy Pieces".

"I'd like a hot dog with fried egg and a tomato on a bun. No ketchup, no mustard, nothing else. Now all you have to do is hold the hot dog, bring me the bun with the egg and tomato, give me a check for the hot dog, and you haven't broken any rules."

Leitch on Roger Ebert. Ebert shows up on "Oprah" tomorrow.

Brian Williams leaves Canada a thank-you note. I think I could do without inflatable beavers and God, did I feel bad for Catherine O'Hara last night. But, well done, otherwise.

Exercise Yard

I failed to mention that I received my Browns season ticket package last week. Still debating on what to do, although leaning toward non-renewal. The most hilarious thing is the introduction of the braintrust: Mike Holmgren, Tom Heckert and Eric Mangini.

They list their NFL experience, regular season record, playoff record, playoff berths, division titles, conference titles, Super Bowl appearances and Super Bowl record. Get a load of what they list as the coaching record for Mangini:

Regular Season: 140-116 (.547)
Playoffs: 11-4 (.733)
Playoff Berths; 6
Division Titles: 3
Conference Titles: 3
Super Bowl Appearances: 3
Super Bowl Victories: 3

Below, in the tiniest font you could find, it designates (* Head Coach)and indicates that is 2006-2009. Not even disingenuous, it's laugh out loud funny.

Visitor

33 Across: Jackson 5 brother (4 letters) Answer: Tito