It's that annual night of celebrating the movie industry, while also affording everyone the opportunity to stab each other in the back. Yes, it's Oscar Night. Checked in on the Red Carpet Show on ABC, and I can only describe it as godawful. Terrible hosts (chick from "The View" who doesn't believe in dinosaurs, Kathy Ireland, etc.) and they could only find the editor of EW as host? Can't believe I would ever say I miss Chris Connolly.

And, so it begins...

The Hosts

This year's hosts were a duo, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. First time for Baldwin and third time for Martin. If you watch this every year as I do, you notice that, outside of the opening monologue, the role is actually reduced from what it was, even a few years ago. They rely on a disembodied voice to take us through most of the presenters, especially in the last 90 minutes, and that voice takes us in and out of any commercial breaks.

When Baldwin and Martin appeared at the end for goodbyes, you almost forgot they actually hosted the program.

One other thing. It's gone full circle. "The Oscar goes to..." has been replaced by the soul-crushing "And the winner is..." once more. See, it's for the kids. There are winners AND losers. Especially in Hollywood.

The Commercials

Before I start with the recap, a word on Oscar commercials.

The "Family Matters" commercial on their family party with Oscar Charades was outstanding.

How do women feel about buying birth control named after Carl Yastrzemski? That would be like men buying Ruth Buzzi condoms, I would think.

What was going on with Cervical Cancer? It's a perfume? It smells? WTF?

Cottonelle. Roll over. Not funny, old tired routine. But nice tie-in with much of the crap we've been exposed to this evening.

The Show

All of the Best Actor and Actress nominees appear on stage at the start to get their applause. They line up alphabetically, so it starts with Jeff Bridges and Sandra Bullock and ends up with Meryl Streep. Kudos to who thought of that.

Then we are ready for our hosts, but wait. That's Neil Patrick Harris music. As he sang, "What's he doing here?". Well, he is opening the Oscars with a song and dance to the tune of "No one wants to do it alone". For some reason, Melanie Griffith gets a screenshot during this segment. She is alive.

Steve Martin, wearing glasses, and Alec Baldwin descend from high above the stage and assume the position they will remain in all night. Did you notice? Martin had his hands clasped at all times and Baldwin let his arms hang uncomfortably at his side all evening.

Many, many jokes. Annual one about Meryl Streep losing. "Most losses".

Nice jab at "Last Station". Someone may need to poke Christopher Plummer at times. He's old.

"Invictus" joke: "About rugby and tension between blacks and whites."

Damn, corrected to, Dame Helen Mirren. "What's up with the Hitler memorabilia?"

The cast of "Precious" appears to be in a seating section provided by Southwest Airlines. Martin says he and the nominee both starred in their first film as a "poor black child".

For James Cameron, they both put on 3-D glasses. Nice touch.

I think Woody Harrelson got only a few screenshots all night, the lowest for any nominee. "He's so high." was uttered by Baldwin.

George Clooney is staring again. Like a guy who had to pay for parking, when he couldn't find a parking meter.

Kathryn Bigelow looks great for a 58-year old chick. "Gift basket with a timer" was what she sent to ex-husband Cameron, while "he got her a Toyota."

They said a Jewish joke, so (as Oscar usually does) they show one of the Coens.

Sandra Bullock looks over-makeupfied.

First presenter of the evening is Agnes Mishkin. No, it's Penelope Cruz. No, Penelope, no! Don't do it! No! Aw, she started speaking. She is there to deliver the Best Supporting Actor award. Of course, it goes to Christoph Waltz, as it should have. I think he gave that same speech at the Golden Globes and has since refined it.

Ryan Reynolds intros "The Blind Side". There are 10 Best Film Nominees. Get used to this adding time.

Steve Carrell and Cameron Diaz are out next for Best Animated feature. "When you are as beautiful as Cameron and I...". The joke here is that Steve is replacing Jude Law as presenter. No one gets it. "Up" wins. And Ed Asner, the main voice in the film, seems to be in the Bob Uecker row.

Time to mention two things here. First of all, virtually every woman you see tonight, is sporting a Veronica Lake look with their hair. Second, the presenters, especially before the kiddies go to bed, are skewing toward a younger demo.

Now, it's Miley Cyrus (and that truck driver voice) and Amanda Seyfried for Best Original Song. Which, thankfully, we don't have to hear in their entirety. Randy Newman looks like he'll lose twice more this year. And he does. The song from "Crazy Heart" wins. And T-Bone Burnett is definitely sporting a T-Bone look this evening. But T-Bone lets the other guy do the thankin'.

Some guy intros "District 9". Now "District 13", I like. I didn't see "District 9".

Next up, it's Tina Fey and Robert Downey, Jr. to present Best Original Screenplay. Downey is channeling Peter Bogdanovich with his look this evening. They show Robin Williams in the crowd looking very serious. Tarantino might have been hosed here. "The Hurt Locker" wins. Did I just see Jane Seymour? I am sensing an omen with this win for "The Hurt Locker".

Not sure what is going on next. Now I do. It's a tribute to the late director, John Hughes. Molly Ringwald (yes, that Molly Ringwald) and Ferris Bueller with the honors. Ferris says for 25 years, people have been asking him if it's his day off. I assume he's punched a few of these questioners. How come Ducky isn't on? No clips. BTW, check out the March Vanity Fair. Fascinating article on Hughes. Omigod, it is Ducky! Let's see, after the clip package, on stage we have Ducky, Anthony Michael Hall, Judd Nelson, Macauley Culkin, Ferris, Molly Ringwald, and Ally Sheedy. Judd Nelson = Freak Show. Mickey Rourke's agent has him on the line.

Samuel L. intros "Up". "Up", motherfuckers! Have you seen it!".

It's time for Animated and other Shorts. Carey Mulligan from "An Education" and an "Avatar" chick present. It goes to "Logorama". This is actually cool. There is a runaway Ronald McDonald, maybe driving a Toyota, going through this land of logos. Put it this way, I saw two M&M's get runded over. It's from a French guy, who is actually funny in his speech. No "Domo Arigato", but fine.

Short goes to "Music by Prudence". Guy starts acceptance, then seems to be interrupted by random woman who must be a slow Oscar-deserving walker. Because she knows way too much about the movie to be a random. Very odd. Security was on high alert, I imagine.

The next Short goes to "The New Tenants". Poor Tivi can't give his acceptance, because, as usual, Person No. 1 hogs the mike. For all of you kids out there, try to be Person No. 1, because Person No. 2 always gets shafted.

Ben Stiller is dressed up as a character from "Avatar" to present Best Makeup. Every year, he is picked to so something weird and I kinda like it. He admits "Avatar" is not even nominated and that he actually had two sets of Spock ears at home. Naturally, "Star Trek" wins.

The always lovely Rachel McAdams and Jake Gyllenhaal present Best Adapted Screenplay. "Up in the Air" has been cleaning up all the writing awards to this point, but there's a Tyler Perry sighting as "Precious" wins. I consider that an upset. Anyhow, the guy who won is taking forever with his speech. Hey, pal, prepare something next time, even if you have no shot. As Oscar always does, black man wins, so show Morgan Freeman, a fellow black person.

Another Oscar black person favorite, Queen Latifah, talks about the Governor's Award dinner. They honored Roger Corman, Gordon Willis, Lauren Bacall and John Calley. Corman and Bacall, who have better seats than Harvey Weinstein, take a bow to a Standing O, when people finally realize they are in the theater.

No wonder Robin Williams was serious. he is presenting the Best Supporting Actress Award. Of course, it goes to Mo'Nique. She tables the overly excited speech for the tough chick route. Talks about Hattie McDaniel incessantly.

British man, Colin Firth, intros British film, "An Education".

Sigourney Weaver is still gettin' it done at 60. She's on for Art Direction. "Avatar" with its first award and these winners had shitty seats. Kathy Bates looking tense. Keanu Reeves sighting.

Tom Ford and Sarah Jessica Parker come out for Costume Design. Tom Ford used to run Gucci, now he's a Director. Only in Hollywood. But he should have helped her out, as it was Bad Light Sarah Jessica Parker this evening. The winner brags about this being her third win and dedicates this win to those who will never win. Now that's why we like the Oscars. Hah!

Charlize Theron intros "Precious". A movie, quite frankly, I probably won't see. Looks like a laughfest.

For some reason, a Horror Movie Tribute has broken out. This gives Baldwin and Martin a chance to do a sketch where they are sleeping in the same bed. "That's gold, Jerry. Gold!". Actually, they could do this with Comedy. Same no respect, no awards, etc. routine. I think "Twilight" people introduce the clips. The girl coughs during her lines. Christ, I just saw Pinhead on the Oscars. And "Marathon Man" is not horror, my friends.

Zac Efron and Anna Kendrick are on stage to present Best Sound Editing. Morgan Freeman narrates. Maybe, one day, he'll meet up with his friend, Andy. "The Hurt Locker" wins and the guy can now afford a haircut. "The Hurt Locker" also wins for Best Sound Mixing.

The yummy Elizabeth Banks says three lines about the Science and Technical Awards and shows a photo of all the winners, surrounding her like a second grade class with their teacher.

John Travolta intros "Inglourious Basterds". "Let's kill some Natt-zees."

Sandra Bullock, sporting the Veronica Lake look. "Avatar" wins for Cinematography. She is talking as if she is still acting in "The Blind Side".

Demi Moore, sporting the Veronica Lake look, introduces the Dead People Scroll. Well, not exactly. She introduces James Taylor, who plays a Beatle song as the tape starts. Belatedly, I might add, as Patrick Swayze was first and you barely saw him and the next person. Others like Lou Jacobi "you cut the toi-key?", Dr. No, and God bless him, Larry Gelbart roll by. Karl Malden was last. I think he pulled his Academy rank on everyone.

J-Lo has a big dress on and looks like someone has redone her face when I was not looking. Her and an Aussie introduce Best Score. We hear the nominated music, but we have dancing, as well. Bathroom break! Couldn't they just show scenes from the movies? Actually, they don't even do that anymore. What we get are clips or even trailers, with no actual scenes from these movies. Anyhow, "Up" wins. Then the guy can't figure out where to get his award.

Bradley Cooper and Gerald Butler are probably mad at their agents, because they present a category, Visual Effects, with just 3 nominees. The winner is "Avatar".

Jason Bateman intros his own movie, "Up in the Air". OK, seems odd.

Matt Damon presents Best Doc. Jeepers, "The Cove" wins and Fisher Stevens is now an Oscar winner. Fisher Stevens! Remember him from the "Short Circuit" movies and he used to date Michelle Pfeiffer? Some guy held up a sign to text Dolphin to a number very eerily like my zip code.

First, Fisher Stevens, now Tyler Perry at the Oscars. Film Editing is his category. Somehow, Baldwin and Martin were shown in Snuggies. Not Cav Snuggies, but Snuggies nonetheless.

Almodovar, vying with Robin Williams as eldest presenter, and Tarantino present Best Foreign Language Film. Sort of a "Gay and Weirder" duo. I heard "Frawntz", not "France". Argentina wins for "The Secret in Their Eyes". "ole, ole, ole, ole...ole, ole." Guy brings up his whole family or something. I hate when non-winners get involved. This is not the Emmys.

Kathy Bates intros "Avatar" In glorious 2-D.

Best Actor is next. Introductions by (and, thankfully, no Googling this year of the nominees):

Michelle Pfeiffer-Jeff Bridges (sweet, but lengthy)
Vera Farmiga-George Clooney (cute, but "Crinkle in his eye"?)
Julianne Moore-Colin Firth (nice tribute)
Tim Robbins-Morgan Freeman (His friend, Andy, actually came to him this time)
Colin Farrell-Jeremy Renner (Farrell is shattering most of his stereotypes lately)

The winner, of course, is Jeff Bridges. I am not sure he was doing much acting as The Dude. I heard "groovy" and a few "man"s. I wish he had honored his Dad with, "It looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue." Beau Bridges got no mention.

Best Actress is next. Introductions by:

Forrest Whitaker-Sandra Bullock ("Hope Floats"...like a dead man)
Michael Sheen-Helen Mirren (she's a Queen and a Count-tess)
Peter Sarsgaard-Carey Mulligan (He's right. She's a keeper)
Oprah-"Precious" girl (She just got her Knight..I mean, Damehood)
Stanley Tucci-Meryl Streep (Quite devilish)

Sean Penn takes a break from wishing rectal cancer upon his enemies, babbles something about the Academy and finally presents the award to Sandra Bullock for "The Blind Side". Clinching not one surprise in the acting categories.

Barbra Streisand comes out to present Best Director. Come on, PricewaterhouseCoopers. Can't you keep a secret anymore? Kathryn Bigelow is there for the women, Lee Phillips for the blacks, and the rest, I guess, for all white men. Of course, Bigelow wins and it is well-deserved.

Tom Hanks, the Governor, saves us a whole bunch of time by coming out and opening his envelope immediately. The Best Picture award goes to "The Hurt Locker". I saw "The Hurt Locker" way back on August 3, and this is what I said at the time:

"The Hurt Locker" is clearly the best movie of the year, thus far. I get that it's only August and movies like this tend to be forgotten come Oscar time, but Jeremy Renner in the lead role, Katheryn Bigelow as director and the movie itself should be up for consideration next year."

So, I got one right. For a change.

Martin and Baldwin come on stage (oh yeah, they were the hosts) and bid us all farewell as the strains of "Hooray for Hollywood" were heard in the background.