During a night of, oh, shall we say, moderate imbibing, what did the five of us take away from the experience?

Eastern European porn actors groan in an odd way.

Results of the big toe/next-to-the-big-toe comparisons will be forthcoming.

The Chicago Dogs at the Town Fryer are really good.

Who knew penis piercings had names? Thought it was standard issue. Prince Albert, huh?

Water helps drown the effects of alcohol.

Too many y's in today's crossword. Why?

Don't dare my best friend to do anything.

$7 for three roses and some other flowers. Did I get rippped off?

I think I said "Pfffft." more times than "Bah!".

Meal of Links

The Georgia bride-to-be, who everyone had thought was kidnapped or worse, ends up having cold feet about the wedding and went to New Mexico. Jeez, she should have thought of that before the 600 invitations went out and the bridal party of 28 was chosen. How about those numbers? No pressure.

Tom Cruise calls Katie Holmes "an extraordinary woman". I don't remember him being so public with his past flames. Or flamers.

In case you missed it, this guy kept his dead mother in a freezer. Neighbors thought he was a quiet man.

Exercise Yard

Wang meets Bush in today's Yankees-Blue Jays game. Prince Albert in attendance.

Visitor

10 Down: Mustard, e.g.: Abbr. (3 letters) Answer: Col

Tuned in "The Apprentice" and saw a guy I hadn't seen in prime time for a while. It was our President. Tonight we got to see the final four apprenti tackle a project where they designed a t-shirt commemorating the 50th anniversary of the t-shirt. Product placement by Hanes. Alex chose Tana as his teammate and Craig and Kendra got to bicker through their project. They had the services of two renowned pop artists, so Alex thankfully didn't have to create anything.

Anyhow, they sold limited edition t-shirts at two local Scoop stores. Again, editing left out one key factor. We do not know whose decision it was to e-mail 3,000 fans of the artist that Craig and Kendra used (I'm sure it was her idea). That was major as many art fans (not necessarily shoppers) showed up. It seemed that Alex and Tana relied on street traffic to get shoppers. Another major problem was that Tana was focused on using rhinestones which I'm sure was not what their artist envisioned. She actually mentioned "The Bedazzler" and went to Staten Island for the rhinestones!!! Remember, earlier in the episode, Trump said, "Do not get sidetracked." BTW, look for the "Bedazzler" product placement in Apprentice 4. Maybe Ron Popiel will show up.

When the totals came in, it was Craig and Kendra who absolutely smoked the other two. I think they won by at least $800. Alex and Tana went to the boardroom where Tana whispered, "They didn't like my beads." Editing played a major role again, as it looked like Tana was going to get the boot, but in a WWE-like swerve, Alex ended up getting the boot. Very aggravating because Trump's lead-in to the firing was clearly done in a voiceover, basically looking at Alex's street interviews and tailoring his final message that way.

Two things maybe only I noticed: I think a homeless guy got as much airtime as Robin and the cab almost crashed into another car as it exited its space in front of Trump Plaza.

Now there are three left. Craig is, by plenty, the absolute worst person to make it this far in the history of the show. And it's not like people sabotaging "American Idol" by voting Scott Savol in every week, it's Trump letting him skate. It looks like an all-female final and should we read into Trump's comment that stones aren't really him? I'm not sure Kendra can run a company for Trump, but I think she can handle a marketing role without a problem.

Meal of Links

Katie Holmes takes a Cruise.

This is good news. "Office" creator Ricky Gervais signs with HBO. It's about an actor who can't get big roles, only gets on camera as an extra. Loads of possibilities for stars to drop in.

Shuttle launch keeps getting pushed back. I never understood the rush to get this program going again.

Exercise Yard

With XM, I was able to listen to this Nationals game yesterday. It started at 4:35. Now they haven't played ball at RFK for a long time, but it was pretty obvious the batters were having a helluva time finding the ball, according to the broadcasters.

Visitor

61 Down: Dr. who created the G-funk sound (3 letters) Answer: Dre

Customer service of cable companies has always been fairly mediocre. I give you yet another example. When I first got Adelphia, lo, those many years ago, they touted their On Demand Services. I know some of the suburbs have had that for a time, but I never had it, even though I thought I should be getting it. In typical Adelphia fashion, both the Showtime and HBO On Demand Services appear suddenly within the last couple of days. No warning, no announcement. I guess we find it by happenstance. Still waiting for the NBA preview from last fall, BTW.

Meal of Links

Turner is starting a new online gaming service. They claim some old favorites will be represented.

This big ass airplane better be comfy inside.

Bush was rushed to his own spider hole today. While there, he saw Dick Cheney for the first time in months.

Exercise Yard

"Boom goes the dynamite." The worst sportscast ever.

Visitor

37 Down: Mustachioed surrealist (4 letters) Answer: Dali

Oh, no! My favorite councilman, Zach Reed, was pulled over for a DUI last night. At least he practices what he preaches by using street parking and not the downtown lots.

Cavs owner Dan Gilbert came out with guns blazing in his PD interview this morning. I cannot get a handle on this guy yet. He is a young owner whose next moves to find a GM and a coach will probably go a long way determining if LeBron stays. So, what did we learn?

Z is probably gone. I don't buy his odds of 50-50.

Dan Gilbert hates reporters and calls them "TV and media entertainers". He called Stephen A. Smith "John A. Doe", which is kinda funny. I just wish Gilbert would have been more forceful in addressing those in-season rumors about Jim Paxson when they occurred.

He accurately describes our needs. A shooting guard who can play defense (Joe Johnson, anyone?) and one or two big men, especially someone who can rebound.

It seems like a minor contradiction when he says he never suggested who to play to the coaches. But he seems perplexed on why Silas would not play the youngsters. I am not sure that playing those guys more would have made a difference.

He is getting advice from someone who has "won several NBA championships". Not sure who it is, but that's a pretty short list.

I'm cutting him some slack until he gets the guys he wants to handle the team. Then we can start bitching.

Meal of Links

What's new in Kylie Minogue's world? She's a drummer. And she'll be headlining Glastonbury this summer.

The Ron Mexico Name Generator. I am now Alfred Haiti. I'm too tired to explain.

This "American Idol" expose may be pretty good. I'm sure Alfred Haiti will get some votes this week.

Exercise Yard

Speaking of the NBA, don't listen to the naysayers and make sure you watch some playoff games. OK, I know the playoffs last forever, but I happen to like the NBA a lot. There are a lot of stars out there and you should watch the throwback style of Phoenix, a rising star like Dwayne Wade, oldsters like Reggie Miller, and gutsy players like A.I. Do it. It'll surprise you if you haven't watched in a while.

Visitor

19 Across: Gangster John known as "The Teflon Don" (5 letters) Answer: Gotti

I was at Giant Eagle yesterday and their main power was out. I must say, it was kinda neat pushin' a cart around without any background music. And people were less curious about what was in my cart. They obviously have some backup power, because the registers do work. The poratbale freezers were the only things empty. Everything else was the same.

Meal of Links

Pope Benedict says he won't travel as much as his predecessor. He's acting old and tired and he's been on the job a week. Wonder if he's ill.

This guy parachutes out of a plane, then gets hit by the plane and dies. His name was Wing.

Donatella Versace was hooked on cocaine for 18 years. And she kinda liked it.

Exercise Yard

The Twins unveil their latest stadium plan. Guys, you might want to think about a roof.

Visitor

7 Down: Gilpin of "Frasier" (4 letters) Answer: Peri

Get the earmuffs for the kiddies, because the language may get salty. We are gonna take a look at the Indians game from Safeco Field in Seattle. We are trying to sweep Seattle for the first time since 1998 in their park. It is snowy here, but the sun is out in Seattle.

Today's Roster:

TV: Sony
Laptop: Dell
Beverage: Diet Mountain Dew
Snack: Planters Peanuts

Pitchers: We have Scott Elarton (without beard) for us. He'll be going against...can it be? No-o-o-o-o-o!! It's the ageless Indian killer, the unbeaten Jamie Moyer.

Announcers: Homer Mike and Rick Manning. (Thankfully, John Sanders is off today.) They are in short-sleeved attire.

Preview: Belliard is hot, while Ichiro is not. We have not beat Jamie Moyer since 1953.

The game starts as Manning calls Moyer, "the ageless veteran". Coco Crisp (with a clean-shaven head) hits the first pitch to left. Belliard, in a hurry, bunts his first pitch for an out. Uh, we are in the American League, are we not? Manning concurs.

Coco steals third with two outs. My number one pet peeve, among several. Fast guy steals third with two outs. Why? The risk-reward factor of that does not even register. Manning concurs. Moyer gets out of it.

Ichiro fouls off a bunch of pitches, then singles to left. A scared Elarton balks him to second and two fly balls bring him home and we are already down, 1-0.

My favorite, Casey Blake is up. Moyer throws his fastest pitch of the day, thus far...83 mph. Blake swings at the next pitch in the dirt and whiffs. Why is he on my team? Moyer through two.

I almost fall out of my chair when Homer Mike says Bret Boone is closing in on 1,000 RBIs for his career. Only 12 second basemen have done that. But Elarton whiffs him and gets out of the inning unscathed.

Both pitchers cruise through the third. Ichiro flies out to end the third and they cut to Asian fans. When an Hispanic guy makes an out, do they cut "to those who speak Spanish" in the crowd? Unbelievable.

Around the dial, James Woods is on "Kojak"! He killed his brother-in-law, off camera. He threw him in the river.

Jose Hernandez is hitting cleanup today. Manning calls him "Mr. Versatile". I call him, "Jack of all trades, master of none." I also call Manning a doctor.

"Mr. Versatile" is up with a runner on first. He grounds into a 1-6-3 double play. Bah! Jeremy Reed makes a terrific diving catch to end the inning. Homer Mike does not say "Wow.", but changes it up with a "Man."

James Woods' pregnant sister found out he killed her husband. This is getting Godfatheresque.

Elarton gets through the fourth and Moyer gets through the fifth. We still trail, 1-0.

Kojak promises a dying James Woods he'll take care of his sister. Pamela Hensley is in the doorway, must be the girlfriend. She looks good in a 1975 kind of way.

Miguel Olivo, hitting Kate Moss' weight coming in, rips a double to left. But Elarton gets Valdez on a bloop to short to get out of the fifth.

"Smiles, everyone." That can only mean "Fantasy Island" is on. Let's see who the guests are. David Cassidy, Carmine Ragusa ("The Big Ragu") and Tina Louise, whose story line indicates she is thirty years old. Truly, "Welcome to Fantasy Island."

In the sixth, Belliard hits a 74 mph butterfly for a single with two outs. But Moyer gets Martinez to ground out to short.

Tina Louise is kissing Mr. Roarke. They are in a haunted house. Huh?

Ichiro leads off the sixth with a single. Ruh-roh. Reed walks as Elarton is starting to struggle. The lefty Sauerbeck is warming up. Beltre hits a single to left that Ludwick (dammit) overruns and then throws wildly to third. Seattle up, 2-0. They give Sexson the unintentional intentional walk, loading the bases. The righty Betancourt warming up. Boone hits a fly to Blake and Seattle makes it 3-0.

Misty Rowe from "Hee Haw" wants to marry David Cassidy. Her character name is "Christy". She must be like Tony Danza, in that her characters must end in "-isty" to make it easy on her. Speaking of "Hee Haw"... "Hey, Grandpa, what's for supper?" I'm thinkin' chicken.

Sauerbeck in the game. He walks Ibanez. He is on the team to get the lefties out. Do your job, clown. Wedge, overmanaging in a 2005 kind of way, calls for Betancourt. Winn hits a ball to Peralta. I guess we are learning about the plays he can't make. Peralta throws it in the dirt, pulling Bard off the plate. Omar would have made that play. 4-0.

You have got to be kidding me. Miguel Olivo, now hitting Urkel's weight, hits a bases-clearing double and it is now 7-0, Seattle.

Ichiro has mercy on us, and grounds out to end the sixth.

In the seventh, Casey Blake whiffs again! Aaron Boone is next and wait, he hits a...Home Run! Boone actually circles the bases correctly and we are now losing, 7-1. It's stretch time in Seattle.

Jason Davis enters the game for us. A collective yawn emanates from Cleveland. I am not a J.D. fan. But he strikes out Sexson, ending a day where Richie did not hit a fair ball. We go to the eighth.

Moyer has a seven-pitch inning in the eighth and looks like he's zeroing in on a complete game.

Homer Mike says that Brian Roberts is "overshattering" Sammy Sosa in Baltimore. Omar would have said that correctly. Meanwhile, Davis has walked two guys. WTF? Do we have anyone warming up? Miguel Olivo, channeling Babe Ruth, also walks. Riske is warming up as J.D. goes to 3-and-0 on the NUMBER NINE HITTER. Of course, he walks him, forcing in a run. This inning is taking forever and "Everyday Eddie" Guardado is in the Seattle pen, ending Moyer's day.

Homer Mike mentions that the Indians think J.D. might be a future closer, but that he needs to throw strikes. I suggest that Davis will be sent down with the comment, "We need to get J.D. some work." I bet it happens this week. He walks Ichiro to make it 9-1 and Wedge finally gets off his ass after the fifth straight walk and gets Jason Davis off of my TV.

Riske comes in and gets Reed to hit into a home-to-first double play. Homer Mike chimes in with, "Good things happen when you throw strikes."

Guardado comes in for the ninth. "Mr. Versatile" flies out to right on his first pitch. Who is our last hope? Aaaargh, it's Casey Blake. He hits his first pitch and pops up. Game over. The Indians must have had the motor running on the bus, as they looked at only 4 pitches in the ninth.

We outhit Seattle 6-5 in this game. But in one of the suckiest games that ever sucked, we lose, 9-1. Where's that chicken?

Meal of Links

I buy some stuff from Lush, and one of their offerings is bath bombs. How to make your own bath bomb.

One would think Whistler's Mother would win at the International Whistlers Convention.

Omigod. Did anyone see the photo (not online) that was the centerpiece of the Friday PD's story on the singles life in NEO? This guy in his fifties is posing in his drained hot tub, with his white socks on and his gut hanging over his belt, complaining about women wanting a "George Clooney type". They asked him what attitude he possessed and he replied, "Ziggy." For the love of God, man, do not compare yourself to Ziggy in a major metropolitan newspaper with an accompanying photo proving the fact. He may have to leave town.

Exercise Yard

One more item on the NFL Draft. Not really sure what St. Louis Ram receiver Torry Holt's qualifications were to be on the ESPN panel, but after Michael Irvin's over-the-top performance last year, they must have decided a current player would be nice to have. Why no Corey Chavous? For the most part Holt was OK, but in the same sentence he called Troy Williamson and Daunte Culpepper, "Troy Williams and Daunte Pepper". Come on. Then in the most uncomfortable clip I saw, the Rams made their third round pick...Oshiomogho Atogwe!!! In some sort of odd Henry Higgins-like moment, idiot Berman started teaching Holt how to say his name. At least 4 tries. High comedy. BTW, I didn't see it when the Rams later chose Richie Incognito.

Woke up early for the F1 race today. Actually, I had a strange dream that woke me up. Dammit, where is it? Went through Speedchannel's listings. Finally found out why. Tape-delayed on CBS at 1:00. This is the first of four races on CBS. Thank goodness, Monaco is not one of them. That race should never be taped for US consumption. Ever.

Visitor

None, it's too late in the year to be snowing on a Sunday.

Christ, over six hours of the insufferable Chris Berman today. That can only mean one thing...the NFL Draft! Thanks to Paul for hosting us today. And it was a perfect day for the draft, as we have a Winter Storm Warning until Monday at 4 a.m. Pesky thing called snow. Lemme see that calendar. Mmmm, should be springtime.

The Browns picked Braylon Edwards and Brodney Pool, thus far. I'm happy with those picks. But who knows how these picks will turn out? They could turn out great:



or they might have time to be doing this in a few years:



Meal of Links

I rather enjoyed "Kung Fu Hustle" last night. Not much on plot, but it was funny. And the movie had a unique flavor to it. The characters were very colorful. The villians in this reminded me a lot of "The Warriors" in the manner that some of them dressed. Very entertaining.

The US can become "sponge-worthy" once again. "George is gettin' frustrated!"

I can't watch "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" because it makes me weepy. I wonder if Bob Vila gets weepy that Ty has surpassed him.

Exercise Yard

London 2012 has to take back their offer of Olympic financial incentives. They were providing free air and train travel, a limited number of free phone calls and other discounts to all Olympic committees. No bidding war means no bribes, Lord Coe.

Visitor

28 Across: Parnell of the '40s-'50s Red Sox (3 letters) Answer: Mel

Last night, USA Network continued with another of the terrific boxing documentaries that have aired this year by showing the Sundance film, "Ring of Fire". This film detailed the fight where six-time champ Emile Griffith beat Benny Paret to his death inside the ring, after Paret had taunted Griffith about his homosexuality. Great story, and it had interviews with many of those associated with the fight (especially Gil Clancy, Griffith's trainer) and writers of the time (Jimmy Breslin, the late Jack Newfield, and Pete Hamill). Norman Mailer even had a voice-over from his great essay, "The Death of Benny Paret":

"He hit him 18 right hands in a row, an act which took perhaps three or four seconds, Griffith making a pent-up whimpering sound all the while he attacked, the right hand whipping like a piston rod which has broken through the crankcase, or like a baseball bat demolishing a pumpkin."

What a sentence.

After that, Turner Classic got me in a much better mood by showing the great, "His Girl Friday". Cary Grant, as usual, is fantastic in this one.

Meal of Links

Tonight's episode of "The Apprentice" highlighted the flaws of the current season. Tonight's product placement was from Staples. Each team had to invent an office product to solve clutter. Bren and Alex, the two lawyers, came up with a desk that was kinda lame. Remember, Alex was part of the American Eagle group that designed that horrendous clothing that allowed you to take your laptop to the beach. Sort of surfing after surfing, I guess. The other team must have hit Staples' Easy button, as they made a stackable. The Staples people and focus group loved this item or at least that's what they told us. It certainly didn't get too much love in the editing I saw. Anyhow, do we really need another stackable? They won and Bren got the boot. The thing that killed me was that the boardroom crew decided that Bren was no risk-taker and that doomed him. My question is how did that not come up in any of his interviews to get on the show? This is just crazy. And besides, didn't Bren come up with the cucumber porn idea for Dove? That seemed risky, but no one brought that up. As he stated in the cab ride, maybe he was just too tired to put up a fight. Trump says, "Nice Guy. Probably a good lawyer, but he's no entrepreneur." OK, why was he picked? No more exemptions. Tana, Craig and Kendra probably didn't gain much. I mean, as Project Manager, Craig has made a box and a stackable. Jeepers. Alex probably gained the most from this episode by showing he wants it badly.

Ray Davies did not show up to testify in the trial against an accomplice in his shooting last year. He's probably happy that "Picture Book" is being used in HP's digital photography ad campaign and feels no need to come here while touring.

Adelphia finally gets sold. Look for a new e-mail address from me later this year. Looks like Time-Warner grabbed New York, LA and Cleveland.

Exercise Yard

Surprise, surprise. Jim Paxson got fired as Cavs GM today. No playoff appearances, several coaches, and one lucky bounce of the lottery ball. That about sums up his career here. Horrible drafts, head-scratching free-agent signings, letting Carlos Boozer go for nothing, and clearing up cap space not once, but twice. Too bad he won't be around for the second time.

The LeBron Era begins for real, starting now.

Visitor

55 Down: Pitcher Maglie et al (4 letters) Answer: Sals

The final episode (hopefully, just for the season) of "Arrested Development" was this past Sunday. I laughed so much at this show, with lines like this:

Michael (from jail): Since you’re devastating people, go ahead and tell G.O.B. that I’ll be telling the cops that it was him in the truck. So he’ll be joining me here. I’ve got a nice hard cot with his name on it.

Lucille: You’d do that to your own brother?

Michael: I said “cot.”

And there was a surprise cameo from the producer of "Desperate Housewives", a spoof of "Frampton Comes Alive", another "Blue Man Group" reference (with Marshmallows!) and somehow the name of John Larroquette made it into the script.

What other show could have guests like Henry Winkler, Tom Jane, Martin Short, Dick van Patten, Martin Mull, Liza Minnelli, Ed Begley, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Carl Weathers, Dave Attell (as himself!), Zach Braff and Ben Stiller.

Meal of Links

Ben Affleck gets engaged to Jennifer 2.0. Maybe Aniston will be Jennifer 3.0.

George Voinovich comes over to the dark side. I'm not sure if he woke up during a vote and mumbled, "Aye.", or maybe he cried, "I'm doin' the best I can."

My "Movin' Out" theory apparently ends with this Beach Boys flop. Cannot wait for that musical with the tunes of Bell, Biv, Devoe.

Exercise Yard

Bill Simmons' "Fever Pitch" review made me laugh out loud. "That is so you."

Visitor

1 Across: Singer Ronstadt (5 letters) Answer: Linda

Our new pope:



OK, time for a selfish question. Is this the Pope I need to be worried about? Is the Antichrist among us? Someone told me the Antichrist is the U.N. Chaplain. If that's the case, couldn't somebody take him out and be quick about it. If it's not the Chaplain, jeez, what did that guy do to get that rep?

If this new Pope signals the nearing of the end, can someone be definitive with the timing? I may want to hold back on some major purchases.

Meal of Links

Do you recall SCTV? Pope Paul once appeared with Moe Green on "Dialing for Dollars".

Michelangelo had a bit of a problem painting "The Last Supper". Something about 3 Christs, 28 disciples and a kangaroo.

Cardinals Ximenez, Biggles and Fang were the runners-up in today's vote.



Exercise Yard

The only Pope ever to play baseball.



Visitor

3 Down: Author Harte (3 letters) Answer: Bret

There was black smoke coming from the Sistine Chapel today. That means two things. Boog Powell must be catering the event, and they haven't elected this guy yet.



I know I am extremely tardy to this party, but I forced myself to watch one of the "Law and Order" episodes on USA over the weekend. For the first time ever. It was one of the "Criminal Intent" series, that had its first run on NBC a couple of weeks ago. It's not hard to figure why these franchises are so popular. Vincent D'Onofrio is really good as the lead, and not once did I find myself clockwatching. It's horrible when you invest the time and it's 11:50 and you say to yourself, "How are they gonna figure this out?" They wrapped it up in a logical way and maybe I lucked out with a good episode, but it was a pleasant diversion. Don't know if I'll watch a second one, but I was impressed. "And McMahon, I don't impress that easily."

Meal of Links

Batgirl has a nice Indians-Twins series wrap on her blog. She's for the Twins, hence the hostility towards the Tribe.

Clay Aiken visits Dr. Phil tomorrow. Unlike Mark McGwire, he talks about the past. I'm guessing America decides to catch up on sleep during this program.

Shouldn't the NHL playoffs be starting soon? Chris Chelios talks about an old coach of his, Jules Winnfield. "French, motherfucker. Do you speak it?"

Exercise Yard



How can the Washington Nationals not have an eagle as their mascot? Instead, they have come up with a lame bird named "Screech". Wait a minute, it IS an eagle? Good grief. As Foghorn would say, "Go away, boy. You bother me."

Visitor

37 Across: Actress Thurman (3 letters) Answer: Uma, Jerry, Uma

Just a nice guy, trying to make a living. The drumbeat is getting louder on Tom DeLay and let's see if Bush cuts him loose soon.

Meal of Links

Jimmy Kimmel wants to hire a couch potato. Yesterday, I found myself watching wrist wrestling on ESPN and a "Beyond the Glory" episode on Fox about the legends of poker. Am I qualified?

A horse is a horse, of course, of course, unless you're an Italian clone. Clones can't race here in the States, because I don't need to lose bets on Swain again.

Today's paper was kind of dull, but is there an anniversary that was not covered? McDonald's 50th, Oklahoma City, Earth Day. DMX pulling a Billy Joel

Exercise Yard

Inter only got 4 closed-door games as the punishment for "Rocket's Red Glare Night" at the old pitch.

Visitor

None, it's Sunday.

"Look what they've done to my Market Pavilion, Ma. Look what they've done...". I went to last night's Indians game and sat in the Batter's Eye section. What they've done is, well, they essentially gutted the middle of the seating section of the Market Pavilion. They kept all the tables and chairs that were toward the back, you know the ones where you can't see the game anyhow, and kept those tables and the squeakiest chairs ever, that border the railings.

The Batter's Eye itself, as near as I can tell, is there to sell frozen daiquiris. Somewhat perplexed on how that became a popular drink, but seriously, each side of the four-sided bar had two frozen daiquiri machines. I know those are $9 and you get to keep the glass. The 8 plasma TVs (two on each side) are 20-inch Sonys. So, we are not talking big-time sports bar here. And they had no crowd, but had 12 bartenders. That's right, 9 girls and 3 guys. Basically they just stand around and wait for customers. It's odd as to how they are spinning this like "a Terrace Club for non-season ticket holders", because that's not it at all. I think if they had not panicked and removed most of the seating trying to find new revenue streams, tinkering with, not gutting the old setup was probably the prudent move. I'm sure as summer arrives, it will catch on a little better, but I think doing something like this on the mezzanine level and enclosing it, would have worked.

The Indians, who cannot hit at all lately and are tied with KC and Detroit, lost to Santana without Rob Thomas. Sparse crowd last night. The Tribe now has two young ladies doing the in-house reporting and they are both the cheery types that you hate to see during the game. Got to witness Slider's "Taxman" (think George Harrison) routine last night. Dressed as Uncle Sam, he taxed the shirt right off "#1 Minnesota Fan"'s back. Oh man, that was funny. After that, with a nod to Jack White, "I had a brain that felt pancake batter."

Meal of Links

I can't put my finger on why, but Wendy's upped their reward to $100,000.

I find it fascinating that Michael Jackson has to sell his Beatles catalog, and probably would remain in debt. On a sad note, he also owns "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It". On an even sadder note, I saw Ringo Starr(!) on a Time/Life music ad today.

Keith Richards pays tribute to Johnnie Johnson. You can see his awe for the man in "Hail! Hail! Rock 'n' Roll". That was the movie where I thought Keith was gonna punch out Chuck Berry.

Exercise Yard

I like Gary Sheffield. I would not want to mess with Sheff, but clearly the idiot Boston fan was not going for the ball on Thursday, as the replay shows, it was already past him. He certainly did not look apologetic after the fact, if it was a mistake. The guy in the Gap sweatshirt who poured the beer on Sheff is the kind of punk you wanna have involved in a Slider routine as his punishment. Having said that, Sheff put his hands on the guy and while showing admirable restraint in not going Artest on the guy, he'll pay the piper for that mistake.

Looks like a good Kentucky Derby is coming as Afleet Alex and Bandini romped in their respective preps today. Both members of my fantasy stable, I might add. I am 909 out of 24,163.

Visitor

15 Across: Berra teammate (5 letters) Answer: Maris

It looks like Kendra clinched a spot in the finals of "The Apprentice". She kicked ass on today's task, which was to design a brochure for the new Pontiac Solstice. Her teammates offered zero help, which was cause for previous firings. But she did a great job flying solo, her team won, and is clearly the frontrunner at this point. She's exempt next week, which guarantees a spot in the Final Four.

BTW, Matt Dillon was on a Solstice commercial telling us to order one at 2 p.m. tomorrow.

Angry Non-Homosexual Tobacco Addict was fired tonight, after being a part of the losing team for the seventh week in a row. Editing actually made you feel sorry for the guy, but based on his arrest earlier in the week, he's got a long way to go. Even with affirmation from Trump and Carolyn. Today's episode showed Alex and Tana slipping, Craig probably as a never-was, Bren has yet to pay for the cucumber, and Kendra shining brightly.

Meal of Links

"The Wedding Singer" goes to Broadway. Probably the best of Adam Sandler's post-"Happy Gilmore" movies.

The Yankees have hired a motivation skills coach. "Losing is like a disease...as contagious as the bubonic plague."

Bush says, "Passports? We don't need no stinkin' passports."

Exercise Yard

A nice look back at Jackie Robinson. What a great man and athlete. It's the 58th anniversary of his first game with the Dodgers tomorrow.

Visitor

59 Across: He played Neo in "The Matrix"(5 letters) Answer: Keanu

The NFL is doing their part to ruin some children's holidays. The schedule came out today and the Browns are playing the Steelers on Christmas Eve and the Ravens on New Year's Day. That means some Daddies are gonna spend the holidays getting bailed out of jail.

Meal of Links

Any series that can get Natascha McElhone on TV is a good one. Even though she's a nun. Maybe she'll be a nun where it's really hot.

A problem I'll never have. Marathon runners might drink too much water.

America's most endangered rivers. Of course, Ohio is represented with the Little Miami.

Exercise Yard

I forgot to mention that after the Indians game on Monday I was asked a pretty stupid question. I always put on one of those Chief Wahoo tattoos on my cheek for the Opener. As I was leaving Alesci's, a blonde with a pained look on her face asked me if it hurt. I said, "No...um, it washes off." Idiot.

The Indians locked up Travis Hafner for three years. T-Haf can't field worth crap, but he's a terrific hitter.

Visitor

13 Across: Actress Dickinson (5 letters) Answer: Angie

It was Opening Day yesterday at the old ballpark and it had the normal Cleveland trappings. Bunting, nice day but chilly, big flag in the outfield, and the Indians tied for last place. During this latest streak of attending the Opener, this was the deadest our bleacher section was, by far. Normal drinking, plenty of kids, no foul language makes for a pleasant enough experience.

However, a co-worker of mine was in the mezzanine and had to deal with a lot of drinking. He was two seats from a drunken Grandpa Walton and had a drunk, fat guy in his section with a homemade Browns jersey. He was wearing the number 44DD with a nameplate that read "BOOBIES". I guess it depended where your seats were.

Random thoughts from the game:

Slider had a big promo before the game in which he was supposed to deliver the game ball. They had him in a video with "Truckin'" by The Grateful Dead as music. I wondered aloud if he was getting high, because if you're in the bleachers, you really can't see the board. Anyhow, he finally puts the baseball on the rubber to virtually no crowd reaction. PA man then introduces the umps. He was ignored, it was great. He had no Ho Train, as well.

Tom Hamilton's Tribe introductions were lame. Aaron Boone was introduced with "...and off to a great start..." Huh? Casey Blake was intro'ed with something equally inane.

During pre-game, they actually played a video to the tune of "Galvanize". I thought that a good choice, but the music during the game had me pining for G.E. Smith.

Once the shade reached our row, the temperature dropped at least 12 degrees. Instantly.

It took the scoreboard guy three batters to finally notice the game had started.

They ran out of popcorn and onions.

The new bar in right field, The Batter's Eye, was jammed from the start til the end. Let's see how this plays out during a Wednesday night game.

The two kids in front of us high-fived their Dad after every White Sox out. It was kinda cute, so we started high-fiving my Dad. Even later in the bar. I thought I was in a bowling league.

Some youngsters behind us tried to start a beach ball going three times. Unsuccessful on all three counts. Once the ball was hit to a cop, the second was handed over to a cop, and the third was popped by a fan. Total estimated hits amongst the three was 7.

As you can tell, the game was a bit dull, but that's not why you're there. You're there for "the pageantry of Opening Day." Millwood pitched well, we didn't hit and Belliard got thrown out at third for the first out of the 3rd inning with the play in front of him. Game over.

Meal of Links

Trump gives us the scoop on the final "Apprentice" episode. It's only an hour this time. Thank you, God. He also says Angry Non-Homosexual Tobacco Addict has "got a problem".

W reveals his iPod playlist. I'm amazed that Nitzer Ebb and The Damned are on it. Not really. Think George Jones.

Tom Ford heads over to Estee Lauder. He's the Mark McGwire of fashion, because he saved Gucci. Or something like that.

Exercise Yard

Just another case of Flare Play during a soccer match in Milan.



I can't believe that fans still get away with this crap for Lazio in Serie A.



Visitor

10 Across: Silent-screen star Pitts (4 letters) Answer: Zasu

The Cleveland mayoral campaign has started. I saw the first Frank Jackson commercial yesterday and I found some literature on my door from Judge Triozzi. I'm thinking Jackson would be the current front-runner, but we'll see how the incumbent does. I don't think she has a prayer. And with Regina Brett's (her Pulitzer run?) constant harping on the schools, she's gonna have a tough time convincing anyone she should be re-elected.

Meal of Links

The Cookie Monster is cutting back on cookies. Or lining up a new Showtime series about a fat Muppet.

There will not be a filly at this year's Kentucky Derby. Sweet Catomine ran pretty flat in the Santa Anita Derby and must now be pointed to the Kentucky Oaks. Hey, my upset winner in the BC Juvie, Wilko, finished a hard-charging third.

Why do those Vonage commercials make me laugh? I'm a sucker for Dizzy Bat, however the Batter slays me every time.

Exercise Yard

Cavs beat Milwaukee in a HUGE game last night. After I said they would make the playoffs, they have had some lopsided losses. But they are up by two in the loss column and I still think they are in.

I was checking in on old friend Omar Vizquel to see how he was doing. I noticed he had 4 stolen bases, thus far. But my own personal "Behind the Numbers" reveals that he should have been picked off once, but miraculously made it to second. Some things do not change.

Visitor

None, it's Sunday.

These are the type of days that make all that bitching about winter worth it. Considering it snowed just 7 days ago, there was nary a cloud in the sky the last two days. So where was everyone today? At the Home Depot. Jeepers, it was really crowded there. And, of course, they only had one cashier at the nursery. But it was good to shed the last of my winter skin while waiting. Tomorrow looks like another gem.

Meal of Links

I think today's PD Business section was a perfect example of how cuts in newsrooms can affect local news coverage. I'm referring to the impending sale of Adelphia. Surely, with 350,000 local Adelphia subscribers, you would think the PD could assign someone to the story. Nope. Instead we get a wire story without any indication if Comcast or Time Warner would be the better choice for us. No offense, but the LA Times had their local angle, as did others.

The Sinn Fein election strategy in the upcoming UK vote.

The Smoking Gun has the latest backstage demands of Ashlee Simpson. They somehow spell "ubiquitous", but can't get "Jif" correct.

Exercise Yard

Golf, especially major tournaments, is so much better when Tiger Woods is involved. He is playing really well (Where's Phil?). But I must say, I've been watching the Masters since I was a wee lad and Chris DiMarco (Where's Phil?) has played the best two-and-a-half rounds that I've seen in many years. He's got a shot to go wire-to-wire. They always say the Masters starts at the 10th tee on Sunday. Unfortunately for the leaders (Where's Phil?), they have to play the back nine twice tomorrow. By the time CBS comes on the air, there could be some major changes. Looks like DiMarco, Bjorn and Woods (Where's Phil?) will duke it out right now, but the completion of Round 3 could determine the final combatants. As a sidebar, I'm curious to see how many times the phrase "Nicely done." is uttered.

Visitor

22 Across: ___-Man (3 letters) Answer: Pac

Blogger.com blew up, so I'm a little late with this because I had to reconstruct the entire thing. The Apprentice was a hoot. First of all, probably because of an angry Domino's Pizza, Trump berates both teams (of course with the audio edited in after the fact) by saying, "If you had done the proper research, you would have known people don't like meatball pizza, they wanted a cheeseburger pizza." Huh? Then why didn't Trump say he liked a cheeseburger so the Apprenti would have made that one. Jeezy Creezy. But was it also foreshadowing of tonight's task? Mmmmm.

Two companies joined the Product Placement Train, American Eagle and Best Buy. The task was for the two teams to develop apparel that would be able to have pockets/pouches/flaps to handle all of the gadgets that one may take with them as they do their daily business. One team came up with Wearable Tech, while the others went with some Beach Wear deal. The Wearable Tech people won with a presentation that was simple and smooth. They did the research and asked AEO customers what their most important gadgets were. Of course, it was the cellphone. The Beach team was terrible and even said the most important gadget was the iPod. Whoops, not everyone has an iPod there, slick.

Angry Non-Homosexual Tobacco Addict lost the Beach team's credit card at Best Buy. Not sure how that happened, but I'm convinced that it was never recovered. Best Buy manager goes into the safe and the card isn't there. I believe the waiting that ensued was because this fiasco went up the corporate chain at Best Buy because they did not want to be the company that lost a Trump credit card on national TV, and the presentation of found credit card was staged. Meanwhile, one of the models left a jacket at team HQ that was included in the presentation. Angie freaked out and basically read her presentation from notes a la 6th grade. Needless to say, she got the boot from Trump.

Trump was a hardass in this episode. He berated the teams for pizza choices; channelled Tom Vu by saying if you hang with losers, you are a loser; yelled at some guy on the phone to prove he's a tough guy; and called Angie "a choker". Angie will deny being a choker to her last breath, but you know Trump will apologize on the finale, otherwise she'll sue for mental anguish. Other highlights, Not George was a woman and Carolyn showed thigh in the boardroom.

Meal of Links

A House committee passed an amendment to an energy bill to extend Daylight Saving Time. It would start in March and end after Thanksgiving. Not sure this really saves energy, as we would be going to work at 8 a.m. in the dark. I think when Nixon did this back in the seventies, it was determined that it didn't work. Then, of course, you have "concerned parent" who keeps children at home since they might get run over going to school.

Tire pressure monitors will be standard by 2008. This will guard against underinflated tires.

Have you tried Google Maps yet? The satellite feature is pretty cool. However, when I put in my address, it points to a spot that is not my house.

Exercise Yard

It's Masters time. It's the time of year you hope for shitty weather because it's tough to sit inside on nice days to watch this tournament. What you do not want is rain at Augusta and unfortunately, that is the case today.

Visitor

55 Across: "The Children's Hour" poet (10 letters) Answer: Longfellow

What do you do when you leave your wallet at home and realize it when you're at work? Well, I was OK with food. Had some yogurt for breakfast and I brought a salad from home. But then I was offered a free lunch and I took advantage of that, as we went to Rockne's.

But I had a problem, because I was near E on the gas tank. So, after work, I bought a whole $2 of gas with eight quarters from my car. I believe the pump read 0.907 gallons. It got me home.

Meal of Links

I am really warming up to the US version of "The Office". I really thought it was gonna suck, but it makes me laugh out loud. The "Diversity Day" episode was especially funny. And the receptionist is a real cutie.

The rapper C-Murder changed his name to C-Miller. Can "See the USA in a C-Miller Chevrolet" be dropped into a hip-hop beat?

The new "Star Wars" is out soon. Therefore, the idiots who stand in lines for weeks to see the new "Star Wars" started to line up. Unfortunately, for them, at the wrong theater.

Exercise Yard

I guess one could rag on Wicky Wicky Bob quite easily after he blew today's game, but I won't. But I will rag on Tom Hamilton's constant carping about White Sox attendance. Today, he was complaining about a crowd of 10,500 in Chicago (noting it wasn't even that large), saying they should draw more and blah, blah, blah. Failing to mention the Sox outdrew the Indians last year. He does this every year in Chicago. I'm not kidding. When the Indians were riding high attendance-wise, he was gloating over the fact the Sox were giving away tickets at BK. Hammy, let me know what the attendance is the day game in May when the Angels are in town. If we are such a great baseball town, we should have tons of folks at that game, right? Oh, he angers me so.

Visitor

4 Down: Beatles drummer before Ringo (8 letters) Answer: Pete Best

I wonder what happened to the kid Dr. Phil described as having the "traits of a serial killer". Curious how his school year turned out.

Meal of Links

Eminem and 50 Cent on the same bill is huge. Columbus gets it.

Podcasting is catching on. I only heard about this a couple of weeks ago. It's a pretty cool idea.

Hitachi says its one-terabyte drive will be ready by the end of the year. Simply amazing.

Exercise Yard

I guess the ball didn't find Casey Blake today. But it did find Jhonny Peralta, as the Indians lost their opener, 1-0. We cut out of work early to see the game, but it was played in 1941 style in an hour and 51 minutes. Omar would have made the play, but how they ruled it a hit escapes me.

Visitor

63 Across: Marie Osmond's brother (5 letters) Answer: Donny

I happened to see Pope John Paul II lying in state this a.m. I was a bit surprised that we were able to see him on TV, but I didn't like the setup. They had him on a tilt and with his hat on, he looked like he was a missile that was about to be fired. And when you have Aaron Brown describing the proceedings, well, the Pope may just get up and walk away.



RIP, Pope JP2

Today is Opening Day for baseball and trust me when I tell ya, I think the Indians are gonna contend. Not for the whole thing, but they can make a run at the division title. Here's why:

The Royals are bad. Detroit is improved. The White Sox dumped a lot of power. The Twins had to let go of some core players for the first time in a while.

But the main thing the Tribe has this year is depth. Both on the pitching staff and the bench. Yeah, I know they are doing it on the cheap and we have Casey Blake in the outfield, but it's a solid bunch.

Starting Pitching: C.C. is OK. A healthy (key word is healthy) Millwood is an improvement. I like Cliff Lee and he should be fine. Not sold on a repeat from Westbrook. A fifth starter is a fifth starter.

Bullpen: A veteran bunch. A healthy Wickman would be tremendous. Veteran setup men: Howry, Riske, Rhodes, Sauerbeck. Not bad.

Position Players: Hafner and Martinez are very good. Aaron Boone makes me more comfortable than Casey Blake. Belliard turns the DP very well, and I think a decent-hitting Peralta would be OK at short. Sizemore and Ludwick should be an OK platoon. Not a big fan of Coco Crisp, but he's improved his offense each of the last three years, but I may have a better arm than him. And you just know the ball will find Casey Blake in rightfield, you just know it. Bench of Cora and Hernandez gives Wedge more flexibility than he's had, now let's see him earn those contract extensions.

Meal of Links

Jessica Alba because, well, she's Jessica Alba.

The surfer girl who lost her arm to a shark has a line of fragrances coming out? How does this happen? And didn't this guy invent "The Beach"? "C'mon, smell my arm."



Has anyone seen the trailer for "Kung Fu Hustle"? I swear it's the voice of Harry Kalas. You know Harry, the voice of the Phillies, who does the NFL Films stuff for HBO. He talks in a very deliberate manner, but I think it's sped up for this trailer and I think it's funny.

Exercise Yard

Had a good fantasy day as the Nick Zito-trained, Jerry Bailey-ridden High Fly won the Fla. Derby. Old School Stables, with that sweep, is now 1,339 out of 24,163. Thistledown opens this weekend (the "real" Opening Day).

Showtime had boxing on last night and could only come up with the unification of the Cruiserweight belts as its main event. Frenchman Jean-Marc Mormeck gave Wayne "Big Truck" Braithwaite a "pneu creve". Entertaining fight, but meant absolutely nothing except for family and friends. And it was in Worcester, Mass, of all places.

Visitor

None, it's Opening Day Sunday.

This is shaping up as one of those days where the closer you are to Lake Erie, you are gonna get snowed on. And it's the heart attack variety of snow. A few miles to the south, it seems like more of a rain event. I am hoping this is one of winter's last gasps, because Opening Day is nine days away. But it's a roller coaster this time of year. Seventies one day, then straight to the thirties a few days later.

As an aside, the Pope is taking a lot longer to die than any network anticipated. I believe they have run out of priests to interview. We may be on to the deacons before this is over.

Meal of Links

Once again, the Plain Dealer with another article on the faith healer. Big-time session at the Bart tomorrow.

Almost got sucked in by this April Fool. Almost.

The Marburg virus continues to kill. An amazing 132 have died out of 140 reported cases.

Exercise Yard

I did a quick check of the NBA standings this morning. I believe the Cavs are going to make it, but probably in the 6th or 7th spot. They have about a 3-game lead, with 12 to play and I'm not aware of strength of schedule of Philly, New Jersey or the Pacers. That should be enough to make it. I guess Orlando's in there also, but I don't see it. A 3-6 matchup vs. Boston would be nice. To face Detroit or Miami, well, that'll be a short visit.

Visitor

53 Down: Singer ___ P. Morgan (4 letters) Answer: Jaye

Saw two things on the turnpike that made me chuckle. There was a pickup with Michigan plates that read "IRAQI". And I got my first look at "The Incredibles" while waiting at the toll booth, behind an SUV with a DVD.

Last night's episode of "The Apprentice" kinda blew chow. Both teams had to come up with a new pizza for Dominos. Of course, Trump had to mention he likes meatball pizza. Therefore, the geniuses on both sides brainstorm and come up with (trumpets blare) a meatball pizza. Kendra, thinking big again, gets office orders instead of relying on by-the-slice orders and her team wins. Fairly nondescript show, as they tried to drum up a conflict between Alex and Chris ("Angry Non-Homosexual Tobacco Addict"). Stephanie got the boot, as we are waiting for this dreadful season to end. Tana spelled mangia M-A-N-G-A and I believe described pizza-making as "rocket scientist", but I'm too lazy to verify the latter.

The highlight for me had nothing to do with the show, but with the advertising. You see, Trump appeared on two commercials for Dominos during the episode. For some reason, they were advertising a cheeseburger pizza, instead of what everyone thought they should be advertising, a meatball pizza. Then, with one of the best ad placements I can recall, a Papa John's ad comes on during a break in the boardroom. Excellent! The founder of Papa John's says "Don't have your pizza made by an apprentice, let a pro make it." I laughed my ass off, because they punked Trump and Dominos on his own show, and it was an ad for a meatball pizza, thoroughly confusing any Dominos message from earlier. I have to believe calls were made to NBC, unless that was a local ad purchase. Regardless, it was beautiful.

Meal of Links

I don't eat in the neighborhood very often, but here's a peek at what makes Applebee's successful.

Leave it to my good buddy, Hitch, to pee on the Pope's parade during his deathwatch. Aye, but his skids toward hell are greased with only the finest grease.



Wow. Jane Fonda still looks pretty good. And she talks of threesomes in her new book. Hello.

Exercise Yard

It's time for Fantasy Baseball. We usually play the Sporting News game at work, for shits and giggles. You get $30 million to spend and it's a tough cap.

My team (Larry Dolan's Car):

Pitchers: Johan Santana, Gil Meche, Danny Haren
Catcher (gulp!): Miguel Olivo
First/Third Baseman: Robb Quinlan
Second Baseman/Shortstop: Rafael Furcal
Outfielders: Miguel Cabrera, Jeremy Reed

Visitor

19 Across: Brooks of "Spenser: For Hire" (5 letters) Answer: Avery