Leave it to Keith Olbermann to be the only one yesterday to mention the anniversary of the death of Bill Hicks. Keith told the Hicks joke that when Jesus comes back, the last thing he wants to see is a cross.



















"Chomsky with dick jokes."

Meal of Links

The Flaming Lips' Wayne Coyne talks about happiness. Nice read, but it sounds better.

How to cut lunch costs. Organic Skippy and Smuckers twice a week seems like work. Once is OK though.

A Hollywood madam names names in a new book. Omigod, Tommy Lasorda is in it. I thought it odd he would randomly show up in homes. Now I know why.



Exercise Yard

The latest edition of "Who Would You Do". This time, the Sports Reporter Edition.

There are a few people who should not be on this list: Kit Hoover, Linda Cohn and Andrea Kremer. And Rachel Nichols has a ton of fanboys out there, she's OK, but people drool over her. Possible replacements: I've seen Inga Hammond on the Golf Channel lately. Looks great, but I hate the way she talks. Kara Henderson from the NFL Network should be here. I believe the words "stripper hot" have been used in a conversation about her.

Erin Andrews is a solid #1 seed and will threaten Roger Federer's reign at #1. Sam Ryan a #10 seed? She should be higher and never cover the "Little League World Series" again. With those hormones running amok, I feared for her safety. Since Stacey Dales dumped Schumann, she has been moving up the charts at breakneck speed.

Bonnie Bernstein is reliable as Elaine Benes, and Melissa Stark would be more popular if she had stuck with sports. You need the Hubbell to find her these days. Hard to argue with Pam Oliver at #3, but I'm not sure about Suzy Kolber at #2. Joe Namath will probably stuff the ballot box and skew the results.

Visitor

24 Down: Popeye's gal (5 letters) Answer: Olive

Final Oscar Wrapup

"I want to thank God, because I feel God in this Chili's tonight..."

OK, last night's show was pretty lame, I thought. And I love the Oscars, but there was just not enough fun in the broadcast. I did my best to recap, but edited my notes (the ones that I didn't misplace) to get at least something written. And when you fall behind in your typing during a marathon telecast, well, I was in catchup mode. So, after not much shuteye and more time to think, I'm adding some more thoughts about last night's show.

The beef I had with Ellen was she wasn't very funny as host. I think the issue is her comedic style. The rambling observational, double meaning chat just didn't work for me and normally I like her. Let's face it, Peter O'Toole is too easy of a target and I guess we couldn't make fun of the black guy or any of the other foreign nominees. The tambourine hitting with the gospel choir should have been a sign of things to come.

So, who should host next time? Clearly, Jerry Seinfeld was testing the waters for 2008. He'll have an animated movie out by this time next year and his jokes were funny. However, were the movie house owners thrilled with his portrayal of their food prices, "ripping us off", if you will. Maybe someone who can make fun of everyone is what they need. Would George Clooney give it a shot? I think he could do it, but maybe his jokes would be too inside and it would wind up like Bing Crosby's golf tournament, which may not be a bad thing. Or maybe have no hosts like the Emmys.

And where were all of the American stars as presenters? Another outsourced job as it was 60-40 made in the USA. We want to see stars, instead of all of those that make you scratch your head. For instance, Pitt and Jolie need to be there. Get a producer who gets people to show up. Maybe Sir Bob Geldof should take a crack at it. Or George Clooney. I bet he could get people to say, "Yes, I'll be there." Ben Stiller was on for years when he wasn't big box office. Latest movie was a big grosser and where was he? Samuel L. needs to be on in some capacity. Cannot save Jack or Clooney til lots of time has passed, although Jack has presented the Best Picture Award the last two years and eight overall. Make it permanent. How about Matt Damon? And let them do their own material. Cuba Gooding refused to read his stuff at the Independent Spirit Awards because, for the most part, this stuff sucks.

Last night's presenters:

Ben Affleck (USA)
Gael Garcia Bernal
Diego Luna Alexander
Jessica Biel (USA)
Jack Black (USA)
Cate Blanchett
Emily Blunt
Abigail Breslin (USA)
Steve Carell (USA)
George Clooney (USA)
Daniel Craig
Tom Cruise (USA)
Penélope Cruz
Catherine Deneuve
Cameron Diaz (USA)
Leonardo DiCaprio (USA)
Robert Downey, Jr. (USA)
Kirsten Dunst (USA)
Clint Eastwood (USA)
Will Ferrell (USA)
Jodie Foster (USA)
Al Gore (USA)
Eva Green
Maggie Gyllenhaal (USA)
Tom Hanks (USA)
Anne Hathaway (USA)
Philip Seymour Hoffman (USA)
Hugh Jackman
Diane Keaton (USA)
Nicole Kidman
Greg Kinnear (USA)
Queen Latifah (USA)
Jennifer Lopez
Tobey Maguire (USA)
James McAvoy
Helen Mirren
Jack Nicholson (USA)
Clive Owen
Gwyneth Paltrow (USA)
Jerry Seinfeld (USA)
Jaden Smith
Will Smith (USA)
Meryl Streep (USA)
John Travolta (USA)
Ken Watanabe
Naomi Watts
Rachel Weisz
Kate Winslet
Reese Witherspoon (USA)

The best commercials were iPhone and AMEX. The iPhone ad debuted last night and it was a perfect tie-in to the event. The Wes Anderson AMEX commercial should be like the old Norelco Christmas ads with Santa riding the slopes on an electric razor, and be on every year. "Are those my birds?...Need those."

And production numbers, where were they? Gospel choir, sound effects choir, people behind white screen, low-key Best Song efforts. Budget cuts?

And the PricewaterhouseCoopers message didn't come on until the very end.

Here are some additional thoughts, in order almost:

Found out Errol Morris was responsible for the opening montage of the nominees. Then realized he did the same thing a few years back. I think they owe him for getting stiffed on Best Doc all the time.

Maggie Gyllenhaal actually called the SciTech Oscars a "wild night".

Ixnay on the idskay as presenters. Not cute, they screwed up their lines. This wasn't funny when Rodney Allen Rippy did this in the '70s. Not sure what the point was. Oh, they were short, so they presented not one, but two Shorts awards. Yikes.

The songs. Let's see "Dreamgirls" had three and we had the Randy Newman one and the Melissa Etheridge one. The Melissa Etheridge one was over the closing credits of "An Inconvenient Truth", so who knew?

Way too much Al Gore.

BTW, Kevin Costner said, "Gentlemen, start your engines!" at the NASCAR race earlier in the day at nearby Fontana, CA.

Backstage, Chris Connelly seemed to know not what he was saying. He screwed up the award count for "Pan's Labyrinth" and seemed to be inventing upsets and chaos where there were none.

This is the Robert Downey, Jr. line: "Visual effects. They enable us to see aliens, experience other universes, move in slow motion or watch spiders climbing high above the city landscape. For me, just a typical weeknight in the mid '90s." That was a joke I really enjoyed. And he's such a good actor.

I like Michael Mann's stuff and I thought he did a good job on Best Foreign Language Film montage. Very few make a better visual film than Mann.

Jennifer Hudson winning. I cannot tell you how awful it is to hear her acceptances. Her handlers should have written down something for her by now. And Peter O'Toole is probably saying, "I was Lawrence of Arabia and this child was on "American Idol". Woe is me."

Since Larry David's wife was on stage with Al Gore, can we expect that in an episode of "Curb"? He looked mad to me, or maybe he couldn't see.

And don't you feel bad for the group winners? Inevitably, person one hogs the mike, doesn't edit their speech at all, then turns it over to person two as the orchestra starts playing. Every time.



















Karen Filipelli and her Dad. And what is Quincy Jones wearing? It looks like he wants to be the King of Something.

John Travolta came out last night. I heard him.

Kirsten Dunst and Tobey Maguire hate each other, so why did they pair them up?

What was that noise Philip Seymour Hoffman made as he started his presentation for Best Actress?

Is Forest Whitaker that serious in real life? Whoa. At least his handlers got to him and he wrote his speech down. He seems like a ticking timebomb to me. Lots of people were reading last night. Was that to beat the clock?

Still can't convince me that the Best Director vote was not revealed early to get those three presenters. And did anyone notice that Steven Spielberg could have been noted as funny last night?

Jack is playing a cancer patient in a new Rob Reiner film. Hence, the shaved head.

The 79th Annual Academy Awards

It's Oscar Night. In HD. We have TV by Sony, a pizza in the oven, 50/50 handles the soda needs, and cashews from Emerald, just in case. Plus, I'm doing laundry, in case this gets dull.

8:30 We're looking live at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood. Hey, it's "that announcer guy from the movies" handling voiceovers with some other lady. We have a montage of nominees from all categories in front of a white screen. "No, I've failed seven times, THIS will be my eighth." Gives a nice platform for what would be considered the minor awards to shine a bit.

8:35 All the nominees get to stand and be recognized. I thought that was kinda cool.

8:36 Ellen comes out. OK, she did that a while ago. Looks like white shoes and a red velvet suit. The international crowd gets some dap. She goes with a rather timid monologue about how big of a night this is for the nominees, make or break, if you will. She takes a jab at some of the nominees, including Peter O'Toole. Al Gore on camera, probably not the last time. Steve Carell sighting. Ellen's best line, "If there were no Blacks, Jews, or gays, there would be no Oscars. Or anyone named Oscar."

8:44 Some Gospel choir helps celebrate Oscar. Ugh.




















8:45 Daniel Craig and Nicole Kidman, who looks stunning in red. Zero chemistry here, BTW. "Pan's Labyrinth" wins. Didn't see it. The winners appear to be seated in the lobby.

8:48 Maggie Gyllenhaal talks about the SciTech Oscars. I check on the pizza. Not done yet. These SciTech winners get shorter shrift with each passing year.

8:51 The Apple iPhone ad. Many movie people are saying, "Hello." My favorite: Jeff Bridges from the bowling alley in "The Big Lebowski". The Dude!











8:53 Will Farrell sings a song about comedians at the Oscars. How they never win, even though the movies make money, etc. Jack Black helps out. I am on the floor. They start calling out the nominees, I believe Black threatens to hit Peter O'Toole with his Nickelodeon Award. They decide not to mess with Mark Wahlberg. John C. Reilly comes out from the audience to lend a hand.

8:57 The boys present the Makeup Award. The winner, "Pan's Labyrinth". Didn't see it. Second award winner to get cut off at the mike.

8:59 Pizza's done. Ellen backstage: "Dame Judi Dench is not here. She's having "knee surgery"...on her eyes."

9:00 Abigail Breslin and son of Will Smith present animation awards. Animated Short is "The Danish Poet". Didn't see it. The winner beats the speech clock by a hair. Best Live Action Short goes to "West Bank Story". Jack is in the audience and he looks like Mr. Freeze.

9:04 I am officially bored. Usually a Supporting Award is already done.

9:12 A "Sound Effects Choir". This is really stupid. To quote Jimmy Johnson: "Duh-umb."

9:14 Best Sound Editing is given out by Steve Carrell and Greg Kinnear. Carell: "Sound editing is a lot like sex...it's best done alone, late at night, surrounded by electronic gadgets." "Letters From Iwo Jima" is your winner. Lots of war sounds. And look out for that flamethrower. Ouch!




















9:17 Jessica Beil, oooh baby. The guy from "Last King of Scotland" as support. Another sound award, this one in sound mixing. "Dreamgirls" wins. Is that fair? I mean it's a musical.





















9:20 Rachel Weisz gives out the Supporting Actor award. She's pretty. Alan Arkin is your winner. The first one for a heroin snorting Grandpa. Is that a Best Picture omen? I dunno. I'm just happy a major award has been bestowed. This has been pretty dull, kids, thus far.

9:25 Ellen drops off a manuscript to Martin Scorsese, just in case. OK, sorry for this lame description, but bad interpretive dance on my TV right now, depicting some movie.

9:30 Channeling the Grammys, it's Randy Newman and JT with a song from "Cars". JT looks demonic to me. Melissa Etheridge is up next with her "An Inconvenient Truth" song. Lots of political messages on the screen out back.





















9:36 It's Leo and Al Gore. Leo sets him up so he can talk about the "Climate Crisis". The Oscars are green this year. Envelopes recyclable? Gowns by Woody Harrelson? Am not sure what that means. Leo cannot verbally fellate the ex-VP anymore. It's sickening. Gore gets cut off by the orchestra as he's about to make a "major announcement". Now, I'm all for global warming or I should say the recognition of such, but does anyone trust the weather data instruments from the 1800's. Really? Just a thought.

9:45 "Academy Award-winning screenwriter" Ben Affleck introduces a clip about how writers are depicted in the movies. He cannot be more full of himself.

9:49 Tom Hanks and Helen Mirren are here for Best Adapted Screenplay. Borat at the rodeo? BTW, could not Borat be on to liven up these proceedings. He should do Foreign Film. The winner is "The Departed". "Valium does work."

9:55 Chris Connelly has some sort of homemade Tim Russert board in the form of a horse race. Who comes up with this crap? Hey, it's the Wes Anderson AMEX ad, which is better than any of the stuff I've seen, thus far.

9:59 Ellen shows up with an Oscar fanny pack apparatus. Not funny.

















10:00 OK, I dig Emily Blunt. She goes on stage with Anne Hathaway to intro the Costume Design award. They stay in character from "The Devil Wears Prada". They have live displays of the costumes. This is stupid. They should have snuck some of the stars out there in their costumes. "Marie Antoinette" is your winner. Didn't see it. The winner takes a long time to get on stage.

10:05 Tom Cruise presents the Humanitarian Award to Sherry Lansing. Lansing does lots of charity work and gets a standing O. But not for too long. Seems to me there may be many in the audience who hate her. I forgot she was married to Billy Friedkin. 90 minutes in and we better pep this baby up.

10:11 Ellen gets Spielberg to take a pic of her and Clint. Clint is jealous he did not get a screenplay.

10:12 Gwynnie gets the "Let's follow her out from backstage to the mike" treatment to present the Cinematography award. "Pan's Labyrinth" is your winner. Did I mention I have not seen this?

10:20 I just about kill my knee as I'm typing this. Naomi Watts and Robert Downey, Jr., who makes a nice reference to his drug use. Their award was Visual Effects. "Pirates of the Caribbean" is your winner.

10:23 Catherine Denueve and Ken Watanabe intro a montage of Foreign Language Film winners. She is still getting it done. It's amazing how few of these I've seen, maybe because you have to read them.

10:29 Seriously, I should have drank during this. Cate Blanchett and some guy I should know, present the Foreign Language Film. It goes to Germany for "Nurburgring Nights: The Story of Franz Bobby". No, it goes to "The Lives of Others". The winner speaks pretty good English, too.

10:32 Stupid dance troupe.

10:33 George Clooney! This means major awards. Jennifer Hudson wins Supporting Actress and acts like it's such a surprise. God with many shoutouts. The "speech" blows. You'd think her handlers would get her to prepare something by now.

10:39 I direct my venom toward the Vista "Wow!" ads. Piffle.

10:42 Two people I do not know (where are the Americans?) present Short Subject Doc. Looks Asian. Nope, did not see it.

10:44 It's Jerry Seinfeld! Clearly auditioning for the 2008 role as host, because he actually told a joke. Well, he reprised one from his tour about throwing your trash out at the cinema. It's the Outstanding Doc Feature. BTW, how did "Wordplay" not make it? Shocking, the Al Gore movie wins. Hey, this isn't the Golden Globes, the director brings everyone on stage and has Gore say a few words. Larry David's wife up there too, as producer.

10:50 Clint is on stage for the Lifetime Achievement Award to Ennio Morricone. He was nominated for some movies I haven't seen in a while, "The Mission" and "Bugsy". Hey, he also did "The Untouchables". Oh Christ, Celine Dion sings a world premiere of "I Knew I Loved You" from "Once Upon A Time In America". I'm stunned this is billed as a world premiere. It sounds like "A Fairytale in New York". Anyhow, Karen Filipelli's Dad, Quincy Jones, is in the guest booth. Wait a minute, so is Karen Filipelli! Morricone thinks he's in Italy and speaks Italian. Clint translates in that odd way where the other guy speaks for 90 seconds and you narrow it down to 10. I thought it funny the signing lady was signing while he was speaking Italian. Lots of gestures. He ended by saluting his wife with the Oscar.


















11:06 Penelope Cruz...don't speak...don't speak...too late. Hugh Jackman along for the ride as they present Best Score. It goes to "Babel". I saw it, but don't remember the music. BTW, as I type, Art Bell is using The Bangles as his bumper music. Jeezy creezy, another page of notes to go.

11:10 President of the Academy gets a 60-second spot to explain their work.

11:20 J-Lo introduces the "Dreamgirls" nominated songs. Ellen had earlier referred to as "Beyonce Knowles". How dated is that?

11:28 Queen Latifah and John Travolta for Best Original Song. Remember Melissa Etheridge from earlier? She won and thanked her wife. I had no idea Al Gore was this much of an inspiration.

11:40 Kate Winslet, who doesn't care about her weight according to the magazines I saw at the grocery, presents Film Editing. Marty's old friend, Thelma, wins for "The Departed". He cannot contain his emotions.

11:44 Jodie Foster arrives on stage and forgets where she needs to walk. It's the Dead People Scroll! Loudest applause went to Robert Altman, with Peter Boyle a surprising second.

11:51 Ellen jokes the show is over. Philip Seymour Hoffman presents Best Actress. It goes to Helen Mirren for "The Queen". The most obvious winner of the night actually wins.




















Somewhere around here Reese Witherspoon, who obviously got counseling on her wardrobe, presents Forest Whitaker with the Best Actor Oscar. Forest actually wrote down a speech that was pretty good. But he does act awfully strange at these events, doesn't he?

12:01 Ellen starts vacuuming the carpet in front of the front row and finds some rolling papers. Obviously, the band's. About time they involved the band in a joke. Carson would have nailed this down in the first half.

















12:06 Lookee here. Coppola, Lucas and Spielberg present Best Director. Hey, I thought the winners were secret. Isn't this overkill for Marty. There is a funny exchange where Francis and Steven talk about how great it is to win. Lucas reminds everyone he did not win. About fuckin' time, as Marty wins. "Could you double check the envelope?"

12:13 Diane Keaton and Jack present Best Picture. Diane has definitely had some work done lately. "The Departed" wins. I guess I need to see it now.

12:17 Confetti falls from the ceiling as Ellen bids us "Good night!"





















12:21 The producer, Laura Ziskin, breaks her time record for a Personal Best. Overall, a pretty dull affair. Not much humor, not much glamour, and lots of stupid shit. Oh, and finally, I think I missed Cameron Diaz giving out an award. I don't really get her, that's why I ignored her.

I also forgot Must have been when I was checking laundry, Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst introed something. What happened to that girl? Officially off the list.

Well, I failed to see "The Departed" and "Dreamgirls" ahead of the Oscars. But I'm prepping for a long night. The last time this producer was in charge it was 3 hours and 47 minutes. I'll have the recap up later.

Picks:

Movie: "Little Miss Sunshine"
Actor: Forrest Whitaker-"The Last King of Scotland"
Actress: Helen Mirren-"The Queen"
Supporting Actress: Abigail Breslin-"Little Miss Sunshine"
Supporting Actor: Eddie Murphy-"Dreamgirls"

As Jon Stewart said: "If you're keeping score at home, Martin Scorsese: Zero. Three 6 Mafia: One."

Meal of Links

In case you need a subway map. Here is a trainload.

Rainn Wilson from "The Office" was on SNL last night. SNL backstage seems to be strangely like "The Office":



Dick Cheney is singing a new tune these days. "Me and My Shadow Government".

Exercise Yard

Just in time for the start of baseball season, Sony adds some lost footage to "The Natural". Does that mean more Joe Charboneau? I'm not sure how I feel about this, because "you're the best God damn hitter I ever saw."

Visitor

None, it's Oscar night.

Last night, I got to attend the dreaded annual office event. Yes, it was our holiday party. In February, during Lent, so that means no meat. I guess December is too crowded for a party, so we have ours when you would least expect it. I say the event is dreaded, simply because it's the traditional thing to do, and it's difficult to spice these events up. But they turn out to be fun more times than not, running about 60-40 for the good. We started with drinks at Blue Point and then had dinner at Osteria. I'll get the Page Six stuff out of the way. K2, with his crutches, and his lovely bride were at Blue Point. Mike Fratello and Bob Serpentini were at Osteria. I did not see any canoodling amongst those parties.

My arrival at the shindig was tardy, because there was an accident on the Inner Belt, compounded by a rodeo at the Bart and I think the fundies had an event at Quicken. So, I had to exit at 22nd and loop around and then daydreamed on Lakeside and was forced back onto the Shoreway. You'd think I would know how to drive around here by now. Needless to say, I was at least 35 minutes late.

At Osteria, we had that Music Hall type seating where 20 or so sat in a really long row of tables. S. suggested that a few of us hang out at Blue Point just enough, so our seating was most assuredly non-assigned. She used the ladies room excuse. As luck would have it and all the irony that goes with it, S. and I then got to sit at the Little Kids Table. Yes, our table was shorter and not as wide as the others. I'm not talking a huge margin, but it was rather fitting. And, of course, we fully entertained our half of the tables. At one point I said Heather Mills would dance a mean Hokey Pokey on "Dancing with the Stars". May have been the drinks.

So, what was it like? Well, they have an Elvis for entertainment. Not a true Elvis impersonator, but someone who sings pretty much like him. In Act II, he did go for more of an imitation with the older Jumpsuit Elvis. Complete with sunglasses. Oh, he was many Elvi though. We had nicknames for virtually every song: Sweaty Elvis, Pre-Army Elvis, Gospel Elvis, Fat Elvis, Karate Elvis, Needle Hanging from Arm Elvis, Dead on Toilet Elvis, etc. The good thing about it was he wasn't loud or overly interrupting of the group. You didn't have to shout over him at all.

I'm trying to remember what the food was like because I was drinking alone with my Old Grand-Dad at Blue Point and Jim Beam at Osteria. I may have been the only one to go off the board, because there was wine. Lots of wine. Wine as far as the eye could see. Let's see, apps of mussels and calamari. Then I think there were plates of meats and cheeses, with a terrific parm and kickass olives. Then there was a salad. I think the main course consisted of veal, pork tenderloin and sea bass choices. The veggie was peas. Peas not in tuna. Of course, I had none of the meats, but the sea bass was unbelievably good and the peas could have been warmer. I liked that sea bass a lot.

There you have it. As office functions go, it wasn't bad.

Meal of Links

The list of guests on "American Idol" is released. No Bell Biv Devoe. Again.

A map of where single people are concentrated in the US. More men out west, more women in the east.

Where to find free music.

Exercise Yard

Today was "Take a Kid to a Game Day" at Cleveland State, so my niece accompanied the men in my family to the game, which Cleveland State won. They beat Youngstown State, 68-55, so she has never seen them lose. I think I need to work on her a little bit more on the sports angle. She said, "I don't want to be a cheerleader, I want to be a Mom." Some kids have different aspirations, I guess. But she did help me eat pie at Sokolowski's afterward, so maybe the instincts are there.

This was the final home game this year, so I'm free from this duty for another 8 months.

Visitor

33 Across: "Middlemarch" author (11 letters) Answer: George Eliot (a real looker)

We had an example today of how quickly Wikipedia can work. Wikipedia got some ink earlier in the day because in golfer Fuzzy Zoeller's bio, someone accused him of drinking heavily and abusing his family, but we figured that goes on all the time.

This afternoon we learned from WTAM that Celtic great Dennis Johnson had died. They stupidly said Dennis Rodman at first. So, we started searching the Internets and Google News for anything on Dennis Johnson. We found no announcements anywhere. I figured I'd check out what D.J. was doing these days on Wikipedia, and I'll be damned, someone had already updated his bio with his death. I'm trying to grasp who are these folks waiting to update on a moment's notice? It was startling to see how quick that entry got on that site.

Meal of Links

















"Smells like Teen Spirit."

Andy Warhol has been dead 20 years. And didn't that Anna Nicole judge milk his 15 minutes.

More David Caruso. And his sunglasses.

I saw KFC introduced a Fish Stacker. Now they are seeking the Pope's approval for the sandwich.

Exercise Yard

The Cavs let the trade deadline pass without making a move. Don't expect a title this year.

Visitor

5 Across: Young with a guitar (4 letters) Answer: Neil

Today was the day the contestants were announced for "Dancing with the Stars". Let's handicap the agenda-laden (Boy, there are some self-promoters in this group) field, even though I won't be watching:

Laila Ali

Being a boxer gives her the advantage of great footwork. But the footwork in boxing becomes second nature, even though it's completely opposite of what you would think would work. But she's a big girl, so we'll see if she can handle the spinning moves. On the show because she's running out of opponents.

Billy Ray Cyrus

Maybe he can add inability to dance, to go along with inability to sing and inability to act. On the show because he's a Dad.

Heather Mills

I know she has one leg, is that a problem? On the show to demonstrate she's not a bad person.

Clyde Drexler

Nice guy, but tall. Tall like Tommy Tune. And not exactly an outgoing guy. No Emmitt or Jerry here. On the show to fulfill the old athlete slot.

Joey Fatone

Is it "Fat-one" or "Fa-tone"? Either way, a distinct advantage being in a boy band. I defy anyone to tell me this guy did not work with a professional choreographer. I refuse to believe it. Even if he was the worst dancer of the bunch. On the show because I'm not sure where his career is presently.

Shandi Finnessey

To quote Homer Simpson, "I have no idea who that is."

Leeza Gibbons

Not a bad looker and was in "Robocop", so extra points for her. On the show because I just saw her on an infomercial, so she must be getting back in the public eye.

Paulina Porizkova

Please God, tell me she still looks good. On the show because I have not see nor heard of Paulina Porizkova in ages.

Ian Ziering

I never watched "90210", so this guy could be good or really bad. A coin flip. On the show because (see Fatone).

Vincent Pastore

This year's Springer. Can probably handle the classic dances. On the show to promote post-Sopranos worthiness.

Apolo Anton Ohno

Here's your winner. Short track speed skating a definite advantage, as is his youth and his looks. On the show because there is no professional speed-skating circuit.

Meal of Links

All-day McGriddles? It might happen.

Merv Griffin gets a new game show, "Let's Play Crosswords" on the air. I'm sure we'll get a lot of these clues: 18 ____ Fatone. First show of Merv's since "Wheel of Fortune".

How to clean like a maid. And, no, this is cleaning like a maid, not one of those other websites where "maids" do something else.

Exercise Yard

















Another Indian with bad eyesight, this time it's Jhonny Peralta. This is a rather bizarre story. The dude cannot even see the signs, so how can we expect his positioning to be correct and see the ball off the bat? Madre de Dios!

Peralta was diagnosed with myopia early in the year and was given contacts, but refused to wear them. Finally, with two weeks left in the season, he wore them. WTF? Your manager is ripping you in the paper every day, you know it's your eyesight, but fail to do anything about it? Then, after you pop them in and play better, the manager compliments you. Very weird.

Now he had off-season Lasik surgery and all is right with the world. But this episode points the finger at lots of people in the organization. Why not go public on August 1 with, "The jackass can't see and won't do anything about it."

Visitor

21 Across: The Green Hornet's sidekick (4 letters) Answer: Kato

This is the first I've heard of Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Marisa Miller. I like the fact she's technologically savvy.

Meal of Links

On the day Kurt Cobain would have been 40 (Yikes!), a list. The Top 100 Indie Songs. Good list, but as with all lists, debatable.

Is TV better than movies? Series television offers a chance for more character development and wacky situations. If I'm at a movie, I want Arnold beatin' up people. I've only got 2 hours, don't give me Sensitive Arnold.

How to put stuff onto your iPod, without iTunes.

Exercise Yard

The World Cup needs to get here before I'm too damn old (thinking of last week's shoveling) to enjoy it. They'll still have beer in 2018, no?

Visitor

1 Down: '70s-'80s New York soccer team (6 letters) Answer: Cosmos

I took advantage of the "Relative of Government Worker Rule" and was on sabbatical today. Gale and I headed over to Johnny Mango for their holiday brunch. I spent $9.00 on orange juice. Let me say that again, I spent $9.00 on orange juice. Who knew a large was $4.50? Not I. But I had an excellent breakfast quesadilla that hit the spot. The interesting thing was that we got to read "Martha" and "The View" on the closed captioning. Working during the day prevents me from watching these shows. All I can say is, "Wow".

On "Martha", a fashion designer used the word "whimsy" twice. In one sentence. Whimsy is a fine word, but used rarely. I may say it once every eight months or so, but never on the same day and certainly never in the same sentence.

The main story on "The View" was Britney Shears. Her haircut was described as "self-mutilation" at one point. The typical "cry for help" was thrown about, as well. Jeezy creezy, the chick got a buzz, leave her alone. It grows back, I think.

Meal of Links

The closed captioning trained me for later, as my Dad treated me to the Clint Eastwood epic, "Letters From Iwo Jima". Yes, we had to read this. It's long, but I thought it was very good. It's the story of Iwo Jima from the Japanese viewpoint. Boy, they took that fight to the end business seriously as 7,000 Americans and 20,000 Japanese were killed there. The title comes from letters that were unearthed at Iwo Jima during an archaeological dig in 2005. Not sure about the vailidity of that, but it sets the tone for some intense storytelling. Plus, we got war stuff going on. Excellent filmmaking.

The Michelin Man drops some LBs. Maybe for a new bobblehead?

The NBA used its All-Star Game as a test run in Las Vegas to see if a franchise could work there. Seems it may take only $6 million to solve the gambling issue.

Exercise Yard















Mark Martin got hosed in yesterday's Daytona 500. He's also the classiest guy in the sport, so we probably won't hear much from his camp. Hey, I loved the finish and Kevin Harvick's Fantasy Points that I got, but in a week where NASCAR was really stressing rules compliance, it violated one of its major rules. A wreck, no matter where it is located, results in an immediate yellow flag, and you don't race to the start/finish line. That's been on the books for 4 years. Martin is ahead of Harvick when that final lap crash takes place, as the picture shows. End of story.

Visitor

43 Across: He played President Merkin Muffley in "Dr. Strangelove" (12 letters) Answer: Peter Sellers

That was some strange snow that passed through town today. I thought we had an Alberta Clipper come through yesterday. Lots of snow in the air, but hardly any accumulation. Today, I was stunned that I had to shovel snow. I finished before 10:00 a.m, only to see it snow like a mofo as I was heading out to Crocker Park at 11:30. Imagine my surprise when I get to I-90 at West Boulevard and the sun is out. All the way to Westlake.

Coming back after 2:00, it's still sunny out there. But on the way back in, it's that big black cloud that seems to hang over the city in the winter and it's snowing pretty hard. Here comes the shovel again. But it appears a heatwave is coming and maybe our 30 days of winter is over.

Meal of Links

I was at Crocker to see "Notes on a Scandal". This produced nominations for Cate Blanchett and Dame Judi Dench. Wow, all you women, stay away from the Dame in this one. Psycho! Nothing like a spinster scorned. BTW, Cate Blanchett is hot in this one. Once more, where were these teachers years ago? Hey, Philip Glass has the score on this one, too.

Two references in this one slayed me. The kid sleeping with Cate Blanchett says, "Were you a model? You're fit." Cate's reply, "Don't I know it." The Streets, hah! I wonder if in our little group of ten, I'm the only one who got that. The second was an EPL shoutout. Teacher is a Tottenham Hotspur fan and has just come from a game where Jermain Defoe has scored. Dame Judi mentions she had a relative who was a Charlton Athletic fan, "and it never seemed to do him any good." Charlton's record this year: 27 matches, 5 wins, 5 draws, 17 losses. With relegation looming, that was a wise choice.

Someone next to you bugging the shit out of you? Try this.

Another analysis of the "American Idol" finalists. Wake me up May 1.

Exercise Yard

HBO should be ashamed of last night's Boxing After Dark card. I'm a big Andre Berto fan and I know there was a sub fighter as his opponent, but my God, that was a joke. Berto put the guy down three times in the first round. In New York, that ends the fight.

The second fight went to the scorecards as one of "The Contender" fighters got beat. Extremely dull. The announcers Fran Charles, Max Kellerman and Lennox Lewis really should have been honest about how bad the proceedings were.

The third fight between Paulie Malignaggi and Edner Cherry was not much better. Malignaggi with the decision. Blue hair notwithstanding, it sucked. All in all, a really bad night for HBO Boxing when ring announcer David Diamante's hair is the highlight.

Visitor

None, it's Daytona 500 Sunday.

While waiting for the Dick Bavetta-Charles Barkley race on TNT, the last bit of snow news is the car that was buried in front of my house was finally dug out. Most of that snow ended up on my tree lawn. The remainder of the snow left in the street was then pushed by the plow Thursday night onto my apron (I was with you, PFS, until that happened). So, I had to deal with that yesterday. And, is if on cue, both the truck and the car have resumed their usual spaces this morning.

The weather didn't stop me from going to two of my favorite haunts this week. On Thursday, the men in my family accompanied my niece to an Ice Cream Social at the Happy Dog. Yes, I know, it's odd to have an event like that in February, but I didn't plan it. They promote themselves as kid-friendly and they really are. There were maybe 15-20 kids there. There were balloons for the kiddies, face painting (which I will get next time), a guy sang Wiggles-types tunes for about 70 minutes and there was, of course, ice cream, with all the fixins. And beer for the adults, imagine that. Kind of a neat event and hopefully, they will have another one. And they had a Po Boy special that night that was terrific. I loves me my Po Boys.

Last night, Gale and I went to the Old Angle. Big crowd down there and I was able to peek at vintage soccer highlights via Setanta. Bridge was one of the streets that got paved in a half-assed way because of the parked cars. So there were streetwalkers down there. Not in the usual sense, but folks had to use the street to walk because no one appeared to own a shovel. Had to opt to park at Dave's. On Fridays, they have that Evel Knievel singer and I'm not sure people were paying attention. He tried to get participation on "Sweet Caroline" and it was a slow start, but eventually some of us joined in. Tex-Mex Hummus, of course, was really good and I tried the Pulled Pork for a change. Very good.

Meal of Links

The journey to watch all of these Oscar movies took me to the Cinemark. Oh, but it couldn't be the one in Valley View. No, I had to go out to the one in Aurora to see "Blood Diamond", because Valley View dumped it during the snowstorm. You know you're in Bumfuck when you see a sign that reads "Hiram 11". They have 10 screens there and the one I was in may have seated 85, tops, and nine of us deemed the film worthy of viewing. This movie is the shitstorm that was Sierra Leone in 1999, with the rebels taking over the country. Of course, "No-Conflict" diamonds were the issue. I guess we are supposed to feel bad about diamond rings, but it's an action-packed movie that tells us the story. I like smugglers in movies and DiCaprio plays a great one, who has managed to keep himself alive through all of these conflicts. When you see Leo on the screen, you know he's a movie star. Not many of the younger actors have it, but he does. So, we had lots of chases, gunplay, butchering of the locals, stuff blowing up real good, satphones during wartime, good guys who are bad, bad guys who are really bad, and lots of child soldiers. Jennifer Connelly at least looks the best she's been in a while (not sure about her role) as a journalist and Djimon Hounsou got a nomination for his role, as did Leo. I liked it. It's so old, it's probably on DVD soon and probably worth a look.

Driving all that way made me hungry for some soup, so I stopped at Zoup! for the first time. Bowl of soup with bread and a half sammie cost me $9.90. I had the Santa Fe Chicken Chili with French Bread and a Tuna Salad Sandwich. They crammed a lot on that sandwich, BTW. The chili was good and I thought the bread was better.

Joe Rogan calls out Carlos Mencia for stealing jokes. "Carlos Menstealia", hah! It reminds me of what Bill Hicks said about Denis Leary stealing his act: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."

Video of the Week

Evel Knievel guy with all of his Who numbers made me think of "Happy Jack". The thing that kills me about this video is how young everyone looks here. The boys are gonna crack open a safe with Daltrey as the lookout. Things to look for: Everyone falling on Moon, causing him to limp; Daltrey flipping the coin; "FRAGILE"; Pete and his flashlight; Entwhistle eating the cake; Moon doing anything; the cop glancing at the mirror.

The Who-"Happy Jack"



Exercise Yard

It was great to see 7:30 a.m. soccer back on FSC this morning with the FA Cup fixture of Arsenal and Blackburn. Blackburn goalie Brad Friedel, from Bay Village, is playing out of his mind this year and made some unbelievable saves in a 0-0 draw. Begs the question, is he off the US team of his own volition and is there any way we can get him back on the team?

Visitor

36 Down: "The Simpsons" bar (4 letters) Answer: Moe's

Thoughts accumulated while working from home today, because of the snow. Or, if you watched any local TV, Our Latest Armageddon:

It's days like these that I wish I had a snowblower. Then, I wondered if they still made this, after I did some shoveling.

My Mensa neighbor tried to leave this a.m. without shoveling his driveway. Seriously, I heard some engine revving for the longest time, until I figured out it was this clown. I first heard this about 6:50, he did not get out of the driveway until almost 8:30. Eventually, he would leave the car, shovel a few feet or dig himself out, then get back in. I'm thinking to myself, are you considered an essential person? Are you from California? Are you of sound mind and body? It was a stunner. Then he was back by 11:00. Could not imagine what was so important.

Make sure your vents are clear of any snow.

I took advantage of some local, freelance snowblower guys. The snow drifts I had were the largest in the 13 years of living at the palatial estate. I would still be shoveling because it was compounded by two idiots who were still parked on my street. And we all know what location that would be, wouldn't we? Yes, to the left and right of my driveway, so the plow can't do it's job. Seriously, there has been a car parked in front of my house regularly for months now. It is moved about one day a week and then it claims the spot all over again. Fockers!

Speaking of plows, Mayor Jackson knows his history. The last really big snow we had was December 23 of 2004. Clearly, Mayor Campbell had no clue. I did not see a plow that day until late that evening. I've already had two visits, the second with TWO plows side-by-side, by 1:00 this afternoon. Nice job. Except I had to shovel the remnants again.

I need to invest in mittens.

Channel 5 actually queried if restaurants would be closed for Valentine's Day. OK, that is high-priority stuff. The suggestion being there are places open and with cancellations forthcoming, you may be able to get seated this evening. Even at some Swanky Mode place. When you are on the air nine straight hours, that's what you get.

I ran up to the bank very quickly to see if my car could navigate the roads. It did. But let's quit with the global warming jokes when it snows. They are stale, old-timer-at-bank.

I give credit to Lands End. I just received an e-mail that read, "Blizzard blasts Midwest! Record snows wallop Northeast!" and how they can help right now. That's pretty good guerilla marketing and I do need mittens.

I didn't get a newspaper again this morning.

I rarely listen to Triv in the car, but yesterday he asked why do we stay here? I laughed when one caller said, "They spray us at night." That has to be it, some sort of Body Snatcher thing.

One Soft Batch cookie is 80 calories. ONE! I seldom buy cookies. As a matter of fact, that is the first package I've bought in a long time. Know I know why. 33 servings per bag, my ass. Literally, my ass.

If I see one more idiot reporter walk into a snow bank to demonstrate snow depth, I will puke. Perfect example. Ghetto 19 News has Harry Boomer, live outside their studios, at Noon. Harry seems like a nice enough fellow, but I understand he got stuck on his way to work this a.m. four different times and he only lives three miles away. Harry, the thing between the curbs is known as a road, you may want to drive on it. So, Harry tells the story of his travels once again and holds up a shovel and says that saved him this morning. Are you with me? Microphone in one hand, shovel in the other. Harry then strolls into a large snow bank, both arms aloft, muttering that he almost fell. Then he says something about being glad that 50 is the new 40, because he's winded and says if he was older he might have a heart attack. So, he trudges his way out of the snow bank, and tosses it back to the studio because he is out of breath. In the background, meanwhile, we see some person just strolling along as if it were July, because they plowed the sidewalks next to the building.

Other stuff I saw on TV: Wind gauges; thermometers; the typical "it's bad out here" with no blowing snow, people speeding in the background, and reporter in snow bank; reporter walk to middle of intersection to demonstrate God knows what, only to leave, because there is oncoming traffic; salt dome (my favorite); ODOT guy saying "No worries."; now stations count the school closings, as in "We had 750 schools call off today"; Shaker did not call off until 7:15 this morning and heads will roll on that move; the best was the fat guy on 19 who got out of his car and stripped to his underwear to mess up a report.

The sun came out late afternoon, as it eventually does.

Meal of Links

Stephen Colbert gets a Ben & Jerry's flavor, the "Americone Dream"! But look what's in it. Vanilla with fudge-covered waffle cone pieces and caramel. He donated his fee for charity, so chow down.

The NFL refused to run a recruiting ad for the Border Patrol. It seems growth opportunites would dictate you don't wanna harm that fan base.

The World Cup has resulted in an April baby boom in Germany. Just think if they had won.

Exercise Yard

How exploring the pro potential of Udonis Haslem led to a happy marriage. Plus-minus, indeed.

Visitor

35 Across: Author Nin (5 letters) Answer: Anais

You never realize how the newspaper is part of your routine, until it doesn't get delivered. I had that experience yesterday. At first, you don't believe it. Then you utter expletives. Then you think, "Hey, maybe it was delivered, but it's not in its usual spot, because of the snow."

Then you're forced to put shoes on. Then you look like an idiot, looking for an item that might be buried in snow deep enough to cover, oh, I don't know, a pen on its side. Then, at work, someone mentions an item from the morning paper, which you admit you would have seen, had it been delivered that day. Then you have to print the online crossword to do at lunch.

I'm glad it came today.

BTW, the snow has apparently scared the pants off of everyone. It is eerily quiet outside the palatial estate this evening. You usually get a couple of nutjobs trying to navigate this sort of storm, but, wow...it is piling up and no one is outside.

Meal of Links

"Dancing with the Stars" bags Apolo Anton Ohno for the next go-round. It's over right now, the women love him. Save the viewing time, he'll win.

A nice summary of what the Internets offer in the way online videos. Good list.

Sex sells. Even at the zoo. "You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals. So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."

Exercise Yard

Coach K now says he should have been given credit for all those Duke losses in 1996. But it's probably too late, so they still go to Pete Gaudet. Trust me, he's probably blaming Wojo right now for this year's losses.

Visitor

29 Down: "Barnaby Jones" star Ebsen (5 letters) Answer: Buddy

We're looking live at the Staples Center in Los Angeles for the 49th Grammy Awards. In HD by Sony. I have Diet IBC at the ready, some sort of Boboli Construct pizza going on, and Sun Chips, just in case. The Police (or Scrantonicity) are supposed to kick it off, and, by God, there they are.

8:00 "We are the Police...and we're back!" The red light is switched on as "Roxanne" is heard. Sting has some sort of odd haircut, I think. Stewart Copeland is really getting into it. Andy Summers...eye work done? Echo effect going on, long instrumental break to prove they can still play. That's it? One song? All that hype for that?

8:04 Jamie Foxx is on and says a stupid Po-lice joke involving Snoop and the 405. He admits that would have killed on BET. Is this Pop Vocal Collaboration? Yes. Tony Bennett and Stevie Wonder win. You have got to be kidding me. Shakira and her hips were robbed. "Stevie Wonder-ful", says Tony. Stevie has no comeback, as even a blind man can tell "Tony Bennett-ful" makes no sense. Tony gives a shoutout to Target. Hah!

8:09 Joan Baez is still breathing. Who's next on this show, Little Richard? Sounds like the Dixie Chicks are gonna perform. Hey, it's the Chili Peppers drummer. I dig the Crosseyed Chick, and she accomodates by showing thigh.

8:15 Penelope Cruz shows off her eyelashes in an ad. Honestly, mine are better and I don't work at it. "And I'm worth it."

8:18 Prince is on and says, "One word...Beyonce." She picks a song to which she doesn't shake her ass. Bring on Shakira and her hips! She has ten strings playing behind her. I realize I don't know what's above a septet. "Group of ten" or "Almost a Baker's Dozen, sort of."? I'm stumped.

8:21 The Black-Eyed Peas are on. Fergie has developed the phony accent, like Kathleen Turner or Madonna. Best R&B Album goes to (Lionel Ritchie was nominated, sheesh) Mary J. Blige. God gets a shoutout and Mary thanks the entire world by name.

8:26 Queen Latifah strolls on and may have eaten all the pizzas in LA tonight. She announces some sort of "Grammy Idol" contest" Good God! One of three women get to sing a duet with Timberlake. This is an affront of the highest proportion.

8:33 J.T. is on. Janet Jackson is not. He is at the piano, which is basically for performer ego's sake by demonstrating "I am talented." Satisfying that ego even more, he has a handheld camera so we get to see his mug up close. Quit staring at me!

8:38 It's Pink and T.I. Could Pink sound any less enthusiastic talking about The Doors, an achievement winner. T.I. proves he's urban by announcing the Female R&B Vocalist winner, Mary J. Blige. Mary keeps it short this time, but thanks Jesus.

8:46 It's Stevie again and guess what? He sings part of his intro and this act of his is getting way too old. Does it every time. He brings out John Legend, John Mayer and...Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. No, it's Corinne Bailey Rae. Next! Legend is OK, and Mayer shows his guitar skills.

8:58 Hey, it's Sunday and Aguilera is clothed. What happened to "Naked Sundays"? Pop Album Vocal goes to John Mayer for "Continuum". He keeps it short. "Grammy Idol" blows. Pick the best-looking one and move on. Whoa, 62 minutes to vote.

9:05 Shakira and her hips are on with Wyclef Jean. What is she doing? Yes! Shaking her entire body. My pen just melted. Wyclef keeps grabbing his crotch and quite frankly, I think about grabbing mine. This is CBS, right? I think I just witnessed an international incident.

9:08 To appeal to the young viewers, Burt Bacharach and Seal talk about Alpert and Moss, as A&M Records gets an award. Song of the Year goes to the Dixie Chicks. Dan Wilson is apparently a Dixie Guy. Crosseyed Chick sends a producer shoutout to Rick Rubin. Oddly, they take a lot of time and are not rushed off the stage. Mmmmm.

9:18 Two "How I Met Your Mother" actresses talk about The Grateful Dead. Were they even born then? Gnarls Barkley come out and do a subdued version of "Crazy". I believe I hear Kanye West's drum corps from last year as accompaniment. They are dressed in pilot uniforms in some sort of "Snakes on a Plane" tribute, I guess.

9:23 Speaking of Kanye, he's on now. Rap Album goes to Ludacris, who thanks more people than Mary J. Blige. Oprah (because she hates hip-hop) and even Bill O'Reilly (because he helped get Ludacris removed from a Pepsi ad) get shoutouts.

9:33 Urban "Crash" guy talks about Maria Callas, an award winner. Maria could not attend, so they showed Quentin Tarantino. WTF? Mary J. Blige sings and I get a bathroom break.

9:39 Luke Wilson, Lee Ann Rimes, and someone else introduce Country Album. It goes to the Dixie Chicks. More shoutouts to Rick Rubin and the Crosseyed Chick admits they are genreless, so why the Country award?

9:48 Reba introduces Carrie Underwood and Rascal Flatts. They are honoring Bob Wills and Don Henley. I actually have a couple of Bob Wills' Texas Swing discs. Ray Benson, of course, and a Texas Playboy fiddler accompany Carrie on "San Antonio Rose" and she does a kick ass job on it. Rascal Flatts sings "Hotel California". Yawn. Hey, I'm a Glenn Frey guy, what do I know? Underwood comes back with "Desperado", not "Wit-chay Woman". Rascal Flatts comes back with "Life In The Fast Lane".

10:00 Keeping with the youth movement, Ornette Coleman and Natalie Cole introduce the Best New Artist. Coleman is the only achievement winner to speak, thus far. The Best New Artist is Carrie Underwood. Her album seems at least five years old. God gets thanked, of course.

10:08 Samuel L. and Christina Ricci introduce some R&B folks. For me, nothing screams rhythm and blues quite like Christina Ricci. Smokey Robinson sings "Tracks of My Tears", one of my favorites. He still has it. Looks weird, but still has the chops. Lionel Ritchie sings "Hello". Perhaps, the millionth time I've turned it off. Is he Taste of Cleveland-worthy yet? Chris Brown, not the Tennessee Titan, sings something I am not familiar with, but the crowd digs it. "It's a Man's World", I guess in a tribute to James Brown, comes next.

10:25 President of Recording Academy comes on. We have a young urban pianist and a young Asian violinist to prove that not all of the youngsters are into hip-hop. Hey, Grammy Camp! If Shakira was a Grammy Camp Counselor, I'd sign up to be the bus driver. Music is important, so get out there and vote or whatever he told us to do.

10:28 List of Dead People. I heard applause for Syd Barrett, Buck Owens, Levert, Ruth Brown, Freddy Fender, Billy Preston and James Brown. James was last and one of his valets robbed his grave and draped an original cape over the microphone stand, to the applause of many. Years ago, SNL had a skit where you could pay to see Elvis's Coat on tour. I am on the floor right now.

10:38 Rihanna and David Spade. "David Bowie and Iman could not be here tonight, so they called us." Why is Ludacris yelling at me? Mary J. Blige is helping out with Earth, Wind and Fire on music. I realize I have not seen an award in a while.

10:43 James Blunt goes for a cheap pop by dedicating his performance of "You're Beautiful" to Ahmet Ertegun. Some in the crowd oblige. Blunt makes me wish Ludacris was still yelling at me.

10:52 I am really getting annoyed with Jennifer Hudson, who introduces "Grammy Idol"! First song is "Ain't No Sunshine" with Timberlake. I think Timberlake would make me look good on stage, he is doing no fancy dance moves and this girl is no dancer. Wait a minute, some other random hip-hop guy comes out to help out. This is offensive to me, as several established acts have had less air time this evening. Bah!

10:58 Tony Bennett and Quentin Tarantino give out Record of the Year. Bennett does the Uma Dance! Tarantino is high, BTW. Bennett says the Dixie Chicks win. Crosseyed Chick gives Rick Rubin another shoutout. Weird Engineer guy is wearing a tie over a sweater as his Grammy outfit.

11:08 Chris Rock gets bleeped as he introduces the Red Hot Chili Peppers. RHCP does "Snow", you know, "Hey Oh". Frusciante is wearing a tie. Big sign on the amps reads "Love to Ornette Coleman". I do not believe "Ornette" is being used as a verb, but it's a shoutout from Flea. Flea is in some weird Lakers outfit, like he came from the set of "Dodgeball" or something. Hey, it's snowing in the Staples Center. Major confetti. I mean it makes conventions look silly. Big cleanup and a really good version of the song tonight.

11:13 Speaking of conventions, it's Al Freakin' Gore and Queen Latifah! It's not easy being green. What do you think was the last record Al Gore bought? Best Rock Album is their award. Shocking. Another performer, RHCP, wins for "Stadium Arcadium". Rick Rubin with another shoutout.

11:23 My favorite, Don Henley, and Scarlett Johansson give out Album of the Year. Nominee Flea changed his outfit! This is unusual, the Dixie Chicks win again. Weird Engineer guy is back.

11:27 Scarlett bids us adieu and next year, it's Grammy Number 50!

Meal of Links

I did not go to England to see the Queen today, but I went to the Cinemark this afternoon to see "The Queen". It was a Stephen Frears movie and he did an excellent job once more, although the "People's Princess" also made quite a few appearances in this one. The story takes place in the days right after Diana's death. Christ, were people out of control on that one. I was more like Prince Philip, "Don't these people have lives?". Helen Mirren is a shoo-in for an Oscar (she and the film just took BAFTAs home), you can book that. And she had some wise words for Mr. Blair on popularity, as it turned out. Plus, the movie clocked in at about a 100 minutes, and there were actually ten people in the audience. So, the audience total of the last four movies I've seen is 21. No wonder it's $8.25 for a medium butter and a medium Pibb, and no, I still don't upgrade to a large.

Another method of downloading TV shows. In case you missed a DVR opportunity.

Speaking of John Jett, as I was about a week ago, "Bad Reputation" got picked up by TLC for the "American Chopper" show. The video is on YouTube amongst other outlets.

Exercise Yard

I wasn't thrilled too much by the Mosley-Collazo fight on HBO last night. A real yawner. "Sugar" Shane was way ahead on all cards and the announce crew didn't have much to say about the current fight. Lots of yammering about Mosley's old fights and could he get together with Mayweather. Ugh!

Becks scoring a goal yesterday against an apparently blind goalkeeper was infinitely more exciting:



Maybe that guy should have called the fight.

Visitor

None, it's Sunday.

I thought "The Office" was pretty damn funny the other day. I don't know, some do not like the cringeworthy Michael Scott, but I love the guy. Steve Carell was really good. He was "Employer of the Bride", I mean who would say that in real life?




















He was in the wedding party to push the wheelchair-laden father of the bride, Phyllis (a great bowler, BTW, who married Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration), down the aisle and he got pissed when the old man got out of the chair halfway down to "upstage" him. I laughed my ass off when he pouted his way up to the altar. Great quote to the guy in the receiving line, "Oh, so you're sitting now." Then they had to remove him when he decided to make his own toast after the best man did his thing. Of course, he stole the Webster's Dictionary definition of wedding from "The Simpsons". In that one, Homer used "weeding". In "The Office", Michael used "welding":

"...wedding as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch. Well you know something? I think you guys are two metals...gold metals." Just too much.

And the scenes involving Uncle Al, who had Alzheimer's and was thought to be a wedding crasher by Dwight, were classic. I love the show and it never seems to disappoint.

Meal of Links

We can only hope. The Phil Spector trial may be televised.

Jack Bauer takes on the Aqua Teen Hunger Force:



Krillion helps you find stuff near you. They are starting with major appliances.

Exercise Yard

In case you didn't notice, the Toronto Raptors are playing the best basketball in the east. I saw them play the Cavs in December and I'm telling you, they sucked back then.

Visitor

33 Down: "If I Ruled The World" rapper (3 letters) Answer: Nas

What is more fun than having an unexpected "attempted delivery" notice on your door from FedEx? Haven't ordered anything in a while. Wasn't missing anything. Haven't seen Ed McMahon lurking about. I'm gonna guess that it is NCAA Women's Final Four tickets, but I have no idea.

Meal of Links

For some reason, I didn't think they would do this without Christgau, but the Village Voice presents the annual Pazz and Jop Poll. The singles are probably what I thought would make a list like this. Of course, "Crazy" topped the list. I see The Raconteurs, Lily Allen, Fergie, Lady Sovereign on there. Even Scritti Politti. It's a great list to catch up on what music is out there, with most styles represented.

Ruhlman's blog hosts a Bourdain Throwdown on the Food Network. “Even your dumb, lazy ass can cook this!” Genius!

Dr. Z comes out with his annual football broadcaster ratings. He still loves Kenny Albert. I just don't get it. If you watch a lot of football, it makes for a good read. Especially in looking for nuances in how a game is called. Hey, Charlie Jones was never a number one guy on NBC, but God bless him, you always knew down and distance. That was before the newfangled info board.

Exercise Yard

How appropriate to hear "Alabama Song" by the Doors after the CSU-Butler game tonight. "Show me the way to the next whiskey bar...". OK, we knew the Vikings were gonna get beat and probably badly. However, I didn't expect to be steamrolled like that. Yes, the 10th-ranked Bulldogs demolished CSU, 92-50. And the rabid basketball town that we are showed up by the dozens to see a Top Ten team. Only 3795 witnessed that massacre.

The highlights: Nomar Stalker and I had Becky Burgers. And the game went by so quick, I was home by 9:00. You wouldn't think you could score those points that fast, but they did.

The game was over fairly quickly. The closest CSU got was after the first basket, 3-0. Butler hit 12 of 19 threes in the first half and added another 8 for 14 in the second half, for a total of 20 three-pointers. It was one of the best offensive efforts I've seen at the college level. Butler shot 64% for the game, had 27 assists, and outrebounded CSU, 32-16. There you have it. It was that bad.

One home game left!

Visitor

19 Across: Author Shelley (4 letters) Answer: Mary

I headed over to the Cinemark to see "Babel" this evening. Total attendance: Three. Total attendance of the last three movies I've seen: Eleven.

It was a different sort of movie, but well done. "Babel" is three...three...three stories in one. Lemme see if I have this correct. It's the story of a rifle owned by an Asian hunter, who gives it to his Moroccan guide, who then sells it to a neighbor, whose kids use it to scare jackals away from their goats, but shoot Cate Blanchett as she's riding in a tour bus passing by, after she has argued with her husband, Brad Pitt. Pitt then has to call home to San Diego, to tell their illegal housekeeper she's stuck with the kids for a while, but she has to go to Mexico for her son's wedding, and takes the kids with her. So, we're in four different countries.

Here's what I learned:

Sometimes it takes a bullet to the clavicle to find out how much you really love someone.

Deaf Asian mute chicks have a rough go of it.

Moroccans are actually really nice people. Except for their police.

Border Patrol personnel don't seem to be very forgiving.

They are still listening to Earth, Wind and Fire's "September" in Japan.

Lots of people seem to have death follow them around a lot.

Cool gadgets abound in Japan.

Americans think we can do anything, anywhere on the planet. Even sending in a helicopter to rescue wounded tourists in Morocco.

In a movie where communication seems to be all screwed up, I had to read this movie, too. Thank God, Brad Pitt speaks English.

"Transformers" comes out on July 4th.

Meal of Links

Speaking of Oscars, you can catch all of the Best Picture nominees at AMC on Feb. 24th. $30 gets you tickets for all 5 movies and unlimited soda and popcorn. The AMC at Richmond Town Square handles it locally.

Frankie Laine died. Yep, the guy who sang "Rawhide" and "Mule Train" passed away. Don't forget he also sang the theme to "Blazing Saddles". Mel Brooks said Laine had a tear in his eye when he recorded that song, because he didn't get the joke and thought it was serious.

Is "24" really bad this year? Ratings have not been that great.

Exercise Yard

Looking at this AL Central preview, you'd think the Indians have a chance this year. Do we? Pitchers and catchers report next week.

Visitor

24 Across: 1940s-'50s pitcher Maglie (3 letters) Answer: Sal

I think the reason the Runaway Astronaut story got such wide coverage was because of the word "diaper". Whenever you hear that word, especially in the context it was delivered today, your attention immediately goes to the rest of the story.

It's difficult to figure someone who is obviously intelligent has ended up in some sort of Springerian end to what may be a perceived love triangle. And when she told the police she was an astronaut, did they call the psych ward? I'm not sure that attempted murder charge isn't out of whack in this case. We really don't know what she was capable of. Or maybe we do. If you drive 900 miles straight (and she didn't stop for gas and pee, or was she using a rocket?), adopt a costume, have weapons, and cash, it does bring an O.J./Scott Peterson element to the proceedings. And she did use the pepper spray, after tailing the victim and confronting her. The victim also said she's been stalked for two months. And all of this happened on Super Bowl Sunday evening. She must have seen Stevie Nicks on the pre-game and had an "epiphery", as Michael Scott would say.

I don't know, much like that red light from the Kenny Rogers Roasters sign, outer space messes you up. Real bad.

Meal of Links

Randy Newman has a new song out, "A Few Words in Defense of our Country".

"I’d like to say a few words
In defense of our country
Whose people aren’t bad nor are they mean
Now the leaders we have
While they’re the worst that we’ve had
Are hardly the worst this poor world has seen."

Not sure what to make of the hubbub surrounding the Snickers Super Bowl ad. But doesn't the NFL approve ads for the game? Regardless, Snickers wiped out the website, the NASCAR contest, the NFL players video showing their reactions to the ad, effectively ending the campaign pretty quickly. I think only Madonna's Pepsi ad got yanked quicker.

Josh Wolf is now the longest-imprisoned journalist in US history. He has refused to give a grand jury a video of an anarchist protest.

Exercise Yard

With all of the diversity talk at the Super Bowl, don't forget about Tom Flores. Flores was the first Hispanic QB, coach, GM and team President in the NFL. And he won two Super Bowls. One with another Hispanic, Jim Plunkett, at quarterback. BTW, Flores, Mike Ditka, and now Tony Dungy are the only ones to have won a Super Bowl both as a player and coach.

Visitor

40 Across: Pointing Uncle (3 letters) Answer: Sam

I'm still trying to recover from hearing "52 Girls" by the B-52's at Giant Eagle, of all places. I'm wondering who is in charge of the tunes there, because I like it.

Hey, how about Prince still gettin' it done at the Super Bowl last night? And he had the FAMU band wearing glow sticks! I mean "Let's Go Crazy" was an obvious choice and "Purple Rain" in the rain was way cool. All on top of his stage/symbol, which he hasn't used in 7 years. And to sneak in a bunch of stuff into "Baby I'm a Star" like "All Along the Watchtower" a la Hendrix, "Proud Mary" and the Foo Fighters "The Best of You" (seriously, if they didn't know that was coming, what their reaction must have been!), well, that was just great. And the guitar protrusion behind the screen was a thing of genius. However, if that "grows" into a controversy, we may have Anne Murray next year in Arizona.

The game was rather dull, no? Chicago is thoroughly outplayed and still only trailed by 5 in the third quarter. That was scary. I didn't think they could win at that point, but if the Colts had blown that game, they would have never recovered as a team. Peyton Manning was MVP, no quibble there. I'm glad for Coach Dungy, I've been a big fan for years. And the Browns have already been installed as the longest shot (with Houston) on the board for next year's Super Bowl at 100-1. So, life moves ahead.

Quick take on the commercials: Not very impressive this year.

First off, all car ads during the SB suck. Always have, always will.

Movie trailer ads during the SB suck. Always have, always will.

Worst had to be Garmin. Great product, incredibly shitty ad. Unless you count Salesgenie.com which looks like a scam to me, even though the dude says he got results.

Good ones: Dave and Oprah; Fake dalmation for Budweiser; Snickers with the guys sharing the bar and maybe a kiss; Auctioneer at the wedding for Bud Light; Bud Light also had a good one with rock, scissors, paper; Blockbuster using the "mouse".

And, Becks, of course, at Chad Johnson's Super Bowl party.

Meal of Links

Can't believe I missed this one. Eddie Izzard(!) and Minnie Driver are set to star in "The Riches", coming next month to FX. I am there.

Kill sheep for fun. Test your reaction. I was a "Bobbing Bobcat" thrice and a "Rocketing Rabbit" once.

"I'm a PC. I'm a Mac" ads hit the UK. One guy thinks it's rubbish.

Exercise Yard

Chuck Klosterman takes a look at color analysts and if they were better during their playing days or on TV. He is dead on with his critique of Sean Salisbury.

Visitor

30 Across: Arkin of films (4 letters) Answer: Alan

While waiting for the Colts to win later tonight...

My Dad was a late substitute off the bench to attend the CSU-Wisconsin-Green Bay game last night. The song remains the same, as CSU, in probably their worst effort in a long time, lost again. This time, 79-66. Green Bay shoots 60% on threes, 52% overall, and displayed a pretty good floor game. Hard to believe they've won only 5 league games. Another indication of how bad the Vikings are. Even though the Vikings shot 46%, their best in a while, they still got stuffed.

The highlight may have been the "cheese cup". Uncle Joe wanted a pretzel at halftime, and the John Carroll women's crew team was working the concession stand. These women looked not like your average crew, because they were very athletic, and really cute. I couldn't say the words "cheese cup" without thinking extremely nasty thoughts. Then my Dad, having apparent motor skill troubles, couldn't handle the cheese cup, pretzel and dipping simultaneously, as I watch the lid of said cheese cup fall from a precarious perch he thought was stable. Of course, the lid drops straight to the floor, landing face down. Can't take him anywhere.

However, I did take him elsewhere, and we went to Eat'n Park. They actually have decent food there, I hardly ever go, but they have a Senior's Menu. But there are a lot of kids there. The booth next to us had four of 'em. Jeezy creezy, what a job to be a parent these days. The words "I'll beat your butt." were uttered too much for my taste. Overhearing their remaining evening schedule, they were also headed to Giant Eagle and Chuck E. Cheese. I like kids, but, wow.

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One of my early football memories is depicted right here. Hall of Famer Gene Hickerson leading a sweep for the Browns. Yes, Virginia, we were good once. And do we even run a sweep anymore?

FSC ran the Catania-Palermo replay this a.m. It's amazing they moved the game to Friday in the first place, because of violence concerns, and the St. Agatha holiday. St. Agatha? WTF? Serie A on hold for a while.

We found out today that Bob Feller still gets people out at Indians Fantasy Camp. He thinks Riggs Stephenson and Lefty O'Doul should be in the Hall of Fame before Ron Santo, even though he votes for Santo. And he's in the Larry Doby special currently on Showtime.

Exercise Yard

Last night on Showtime's boxing card, it shows that when a "Puncher's Chance" exists in a bout, you can't give up on it. It was a light heavyweight match between two unbeatens, the Polish champion (yes, we didn't forget Poland) Tomasz Adamek and "Bad" Chad Dawson. Dawson completely dominated the first nine rounds, tossing a shutout. I've never seen Adamek so completely thrashed. He was tripped in the eighth, but it was ruled a knockdown.

In the 10th, after doing nothing to that point, and trainer Buddy McGirt implying he would stop it, Adamek knocked Dawson down and became rejuvenated. Let's face it, he needed a KO, because he was so far back. He probably won two of the last three rounds but could not deliver the death blow. It was a perfect example though, when you oppose a hard puncher, you gotta see it through to the end, and cannot coast.

Visitor

None, it's Super Bowl Sunday.

I had an encounter with one of those Random Talkers the other day while I was pumping gas. My Mom always told me she had that problem, too. Kind of minding her own business, when a random would start spilling their life story to her. Right there, in the middle of Marc's. So, I'm at Sheetz, and I have this conversation:

RT: "That's somethin', isn't it?"
Me (Thinking, "Omigod, it's Andy Rooney."): "Uh...what's that?"
RT: "How come when the price of a barrel of gas goes down, it takes days for the price at the pump to catch up. But when the barrel price goes up, it changes instantly at the pump?"
Me (Thinking, "Who am I? The Shell Answer Man?", so I channeled Sarah McLachlan instead): "Yep...it's a mystery."

Thank God, he didn't follow me inside.

Meal of Links

Last night, Nick, Gale and I headed over to the State to see "Little Yerry Seinfeld". His opening act was Tom Papa, who was funny, but only did about 10 minutes of a warmup. Seinfeld was a lot of fun. His style is that he doesn't stick on a subject for a long time, unlike the dreadful Dane Cook. He was able to give his observations on many topics including family, kids, weathermen, bad suicide bombers ("Jihad E. Coyote"), what happened to Bird Flu, cellphones and a bunch more. Very enjoyable.

Speaking of Bird Flu. It's ba-ack. In the UK.

David Letterman didn't really think much of his 25th Anniversary of Late Night. Bill Murray wore a tophat and tails, though.

Video of the Week

Even though Dave didn't want to celebrate, here's a video of the Beastie Boys on Letterman from August 2004. From the subway to where they join Mix Master Mike on the stage. Speaking of randoms, I'm surprised no one disrupted their stroll.

Beastie Boys-"Ch-check It Out" from "Late Night"



Exercise Yard

The Italian Serie A is all fucked up. Again. Last year, it was the match-fixing scandal. And the perpetual soccer violence in Italy may have reached the tipping point. This time, rioting by "ultras" outside the Catania stadium (a policeman is killed) causes tear gas to filter INTO the stadium. What is amazing to me is that the explosions start, smoke is everywhere, and the game carries on as if nothing is happening. Then the itching and burning starts! Half an hour later, they restarted and Palermo won, 2-1. After the match, however, all Italian matches have been cancelled until further notice.



Visitor

15 Across: Kenny Baker sci-fi role (10 letters) Answer: Artoo Detoo