Today was the day the contestants were announced for "Dancing with the Stars". Let's handicap the agenda-laden (Boy, there are some self-promoters in this group) field, even though I won't be watching:

Laila Ali

Being a boxer gives her the advantage of great footwork. But the footwork in boxing becomes second nature, even though it's completely opposite of what you would think would work. But she's a big girl, so we'll see if she can handle the spinning moves. On the show because she's running out of opponents.

Billy Ray Cyrus

Maybe he can add inability to dance, to go along with inability to sing and inability to act. On the show because he's a Dad.

Heather Mills

I know she has one leg, is that a problem? On the show to demonstrate she's not a bad person.

Clyde Drexler

Nice guy, but tall. Tall like Tommy Tune. And not exactly an outgoing guy. No Emmitt or Jerry here. On the show to fulfill the old athlete slot.

Joey Fatone

Is it "Fat-one" or "Fa-tone"? Either way, a distinct advantage being in a boy band. I defy anyone to tell me this guy did not work with a professional choreographer. I refuse to believe it. Even if he was the worst dancer of the bunch. On the show because I'm not sure where his career is presently.

Shandi Finnessey

To quote Homer Simpson, "I have no idea who that is."

Leeza Gibbons

Not a bad looker and was in "Robocop", so extra points for her. On the show because I just saw her on an infomercial, so she must be getting back in the public eye.

Paulina Porizkova

Please God, tell me she still looks good. On the show because I have not see nor heard of Paulina Porizkova in ages.

Ian Ziering

I never watched "90210", so this guy could be good or really bad. A coin flip. On the show because (see Fatone).

Vincent Pastore

This year's Springer. Can probably handle the classic dances. On the show to promote post-Sopranos worthiness.

Apolo Anton Ohno

Here's your winner. Short track speed skating a definite advantage, as is his youth and his looks. On the show because there is no professional speed-skating circuit.

Meal of Links

All-day McGriddles? It might happen.

Merv Griffin gets a new game show, "Let's Play Crosswords" on the air. I'm sure we'll get a lot of these clues: 18 ____ Fatone. First show of Merv's since "Wheel of Fortune".

How to clean like a maid. And, no, this is cleaning like a maid, not one of those other websites where "maids" do something else.

Exercise Yard

















Another Indian with bad eyesight, this time it's Jhonny Peralta. This is a rather bizarre story. The dude cannot even see the signs, so how can we expect his positioning to be correct and see the ball off the bat? Madre de Dios!

Peralta was diagnosed with myopia early in the year and was given contacts, but refused to wear them. Finally, with two weeks left in the season, he wore them. WTF? Your manager is ripping you in the paper every day, you know it's your eyesight, but fail to do anything about it? Then, after you pop them in and play better, the manager compliments you. Very weird.

Now he had off-season Lasik surgery and all is right with the world. But this episode points the finger at lots of people in the organization. Why not go public on August 1 with, "The jackass can't see and won't do anything about it."

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21 Across: The Green Hornet's sidekick (4 letters) Answer: Kato