What better way to make the season bright, as it is the final installment of "Hit Me Baby One More Time"! There was only supposed to be three episodes, and you can tell by the acts they have dredged up for weeks 4 and 5, they were scrambling to fill those positions.

Recap of last week's ugliness, won by "legendary diva" Thelma Houston. Sadly, Vernon Kay did not hear Slim Whitman playing in the background. Therefore, he did not explode and remains the host of the show. WTF? Vernon decides to start posing like Hulk Hogan. He lets us know Glass Tiger won the online poll last week. Only 58 minutes to go!

Juice Newton is first with "Queen of Hearts". Lemme say this, the Dave Edmunds version of this song runs rings around Juice. Juice has sold 10 million records. Why is she on this program? Juice has new hair...and a new face! The backup singers seem to be saving this song as one of the guys sounds exactly like Dave Edmunds. This band looks like they may have actually had a gig this century. Juice involves the crowd with overhead clapping. OK, it's over.

Animotion (or "Annie Motion" according to V.), those "synth-pop heroes", are up next singing "Obsession". "Obsession" isn't like Joan Jett's "Fetish", but it'll do. I actually heard this on XM the other day and don't think this is a bad tune at all. I like the way they sing the word "butterfly". Hey, their female singer also has new hair...and a new chest! She can't sing anymore and is still ugly. Boy, this guitarist looks familiar. The guy (who looks like Jeff Probst and Patrick Wayne's love child) gets away with his part by mostly talking his lyrics. Absolutely horrible.

Best friend calls up and says, "What was that?" Really, it was so bad, you needed to call someone and tell them.

Next up is Shannon singing her "dance kloob" hit, "Let The Music Play". Wasn't she an accountant or teacher or something. She looks about the same. We have dancers on this one. Phone rings, and although I'm wearing sunglasses at night, I can tell it's Mr. Mix. The "Hit Me Baby" backup singers are in full force on this one, as well. Shannon struggles a bit, then like Stella, finds her groove, only to give it back. She shouts out, "What's my name?" in an obvious plea for votes. Quite frankly, a pedestrian version.

DJ Minute Mix (cousin of Mr. Mix) is part of PM Dawn, who is next with a song I don't remember, "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss". The three guys come out and it appears the big guy is blind. They lead him down the stairs and over to a chair and the song starts. I remember this tune now. This is the song that used "True" by Spandau Ballet ("Spandex Boulder", hah!) as the music track. The crowd is going nuts, but I still don't like it. We just realized one of the guys is dressed in velvet and looks like Nile Rodgers. Chuck says, "Is that velvet?" a la Eddie Murphy and I recall Murphy as Velvet Jones.

Next up is Missing Persons with "Words". We're anxious to see how Dale Bozzio looks. Uh-oh. Tonight's train wreck has arrived on schedule. She comes out by herself, as Mrs. Mix chimes in that they seem to be missing some persons. She has packed on a few lbs. and is wearing some sort of gangster suit with hat, kind of like Halloween 1975. It appears she has some writing on her hand. Not sure if it's lyrics or directions to the studio. We decide that it's a crib sheet from 10th grade Spanish, casa = house. She has a poor man's Kid Rock on guitar. Her mannerisms and looks point to a hard life. Mrs. Mix decides she was wearing long sleeves to cover up the burns from a meth lab incident. This performance rivals Tutone as the worst of the series. At the halfway point, we have no idea who is winning.

Now for the new tunes. In her montage, Juice appears to have saved her money. She attempts "Pieces of Me" by A. Simpson. Was this the hoedown song? Anyhow, not bad, but weak audience involvement. Animotion tries "Days Go By" by Dirty Vegas. Huh? The guy is absolutely killing us and she is no better. Stick a fork in 'em, Bobby Hill. Wait, a guitar solo. Oh, my fucking God!!! It's the great Eddie Martinez from Robert Palmer's band!!! I knew I recognized him. What's he doing here, is Slash outta town? Shannon is next and bores us with Ashante's "Foolish".

Wait a minute. Blind Guy from PM Dawn is playing Centipede. Now we don't know if he's blind, or just fat and lazy. Chuck mentions "Pinball Wizard" as that "fat, dumb and blind kid" sure plays a mean Centipede. Anyhow, two of the guys are sitting and singing a song of unknown title, because Vernon just spoke it. Even with Tivo, I can't figure it out. Later, Third Guy Blind appears and starts handing out flowers, left from his day job, to all the ladies. This immediately cancels the sitting effect.

In her montage, Dale Bozzio sings "Words" again, this time on a boat. She has two kids and we decide "Growing Up Bozzio" would make a much better program than "Growing Up Gotti". They try "Can't Get You Out of My Head" by Kylie Minogue. I fear Kylie may be headed back to the hospital after this version. Delightfully hideous.

Put a gun to my head and I still couldn't pick a winner tonight between Juice, Shannon and PM Dawn. The audience has decided and the winner is...PM Dawn. 20 G's goes to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation (hey, where is that wristband?).

Although I hear Eddy Grant knocking on the studio door, the series is on hiatus. PM Dawn takes us out over the credits, as I focus my attention toward "INXS" in a few weeks.

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"War of the Worlds" does big box office on Day One. It's the magic of Spielberg overcoming the dickiness of Cruise.

Bank of America buys MBNA. Randy Lerner goes off and plays. With his cut of the $35 billion.

I think it's a chilling thought that reporters notes are being turned over to reveal sources. This is a very bad idea. Couple this with another item I heard today. The government has met with ISPs for the purpose of compiling Internet usage for every one of us. That's right, our government is seeking to know every website, naughty or nice, that we visit. If they don't comply, the feds plan to lobby against ISPs by accusing them of being "soft on terrorism and kiddie porn".

Exercise Yard

I got to see the replay of Gatti-Mayweather on HBO. Gatti got torn up real good.

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