To relieve my anger at the air conditioner folks for cancelling my checkup tomorrow for a money grab elsewhere (after I took an off day), it's "Hit Me Baby One More Time".

Vernon Kay, as part of his work-release program, is back as host. Someone needs to perform a hit alright...on him. Much like "The Apprentice", there is a recap of last week's events, as if I wanted to relive that nightmare. The audience is standing up and going gaga. I'm guessing thumbtacks on chairs. Omigod, Vernon said "Vanillar Ice". We're ready to party!!!

First up, The Knack. They sing "My Sharona". This brings back memories. Nice reference to a Rolling Stone article in 1979 which pegged them as the next Fab Four. I used to crank this song while manning the Gold Circle record department that summer. Well, at least the band appears in shape. Doug Fieger, you may know his brother Geoff, the lawyer (Hint: Kevorkian's lawyer), has about 80% of his voice from back then. Musically, not too awful. Vernon asks whatever happened to your Sharona?

Next, it's Haddaway. I may have heard this song. Vernon reminds us it was used for the SNL "Roxbury" sketches. I yawn.

Third performer, Tommy Tutone. It's "867-5309 (Jenny)". Not even close. The singer sounds like he's moaning. Backups sound OK, but hell, I could sing backup on this tune. Christ, this is too easy a song to butcher. V urges us to put our hands together for this piece of crap.

Next, it's The Motels. Yes! Martha is gonna sing "Only the Lonely". Uh-oh, she looks a bit older and could have worn a better outfit. But she sounds absolutely fucking great!!! This is one of the most underrated bands from that era. Why "Mission of Mercy" was never a hit, I can't tell ya. Omigod, she still hits the high notes at the end!!! The house is brought down. We have a leader in the clubhouse. Not that I'm biased or anything.

Last up, Vanillar Ice. Geez, the NBA game finally started. He sings "Ice Ice Baby". I think I'm droppin' the zero and gettin' with the hero. Vernon refers to him as once "The coolest rapper on the planet." Uh, maybe on Pluto. Vanillar thinks he's at the MTV Awards. He has a dancer with him and a singing DJ. This sounds so dated. Uh-oh, someone brought a sign that says, "Word to your mutha." Strangely, the crowd is into this act.

OK, now for the new tunes. The Knack does "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" by Jet. No, no, no, a thousand times, no. I would best be described as mortified. They should change their name to The Lack. I still don't give a crap about Haddaway. He tries Britney Spears' "Toxic". Hey dog, you suck. Vernon seems to like him though. He must be on some sort of delusional herb. Tommy Tutone attempts "All the Small Things" by Blink 182. I just threw up in my mouth. He is officially known as Stink 182Tone. The audience must be the brainwashed group from "The Manchurian Candidate". They hear the first note of any song and go crazy. Or maybe they are left over from a Popiel infomercial. Martha tries a Norah Jones song. An OK job, but she should have picked something else. It looks like it's Vanillar's to win or lose. Hey, he picks a Destiny's Child song. The lapdogs in the audience actually seem offended. Boy, this week's cover tunes were subpar. It's time for the vote. I'm picking the Motels, but I know Vanillar has an excellent shot. V implores the audience to heed those recaps, and they start to vote.

And the winner is...Vanillar Ice, It's 20 G's to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Clearly a sympathy vote. As we head to the credits, he does a version of..."Ice Ice Baby". WTF? Next week's victims...er...performers: Wang Chung, Sophie B. Hawkins, Howard Jones, Cameo and Irene Cara. It really pains me to see Cameo on this list.

Meal of Links

A bunch of pictures of celebrities playing table tennis. For some reason, I love the Kinks photo.

The NHLPA, using George Costanza negotiating tactics, reportedly accepts a salary cap. Union President Bobby Ewing has no comment.

Here are 30 things you didn't know you could do on the Internet. "It slices, it dices..."

Exercise Yard

The Yankees are reeling. Lots of money went to the wrong players. Old players.

Visitor

1 Across: "Uptown Girl" songwriter (4 letters) Answer: Joel