Oscar Recap:

What was that disaster of a show I just finished watching? I actually thought James Franco and Anne Hathaway would do a nice job hosting. But Franco seemed to say "Fuck it!" around 9:00 and then Anne became the "Whoo Girl". After every intro, there was a "Whoo!" from Hathaway.

Next year's host needs to be either:

Charlie Sheen: "Yes, I'm on a drug and it's called Charlie Sheen." -OR-

Kirk Douglas and Eli Wallach. Kirk leers at the babes while Eli does his bird whistles from "Wall Street 2".

OK, so the Oscars get two young hosts and then beat us over the head with old stuff? Good grief, we had two presenters present a presenter. Hilary Swank (whose career might be dead)-Kathryn Bigelow and Billy Crystal-Bob Hope (who's really dead). My God, we had a "Gone With The Wind" clip.

Tom Hanks has fallen so far down the acting ladder, he is presenting the first awards.

Can you believe Roger Deakins lost for Cinematography? Again? Oscar Scoreboard: "Alice In Wonderland" 2, Roger Deakins 0. "The Wolfman" 1, Roger Deakins 0. I believe "True Grit" had the second most nominations ever, not to have a win. The guy who beat him, Wally Pfister, used to do Skinemax movies. Good God.

Melissa Leo, in her typical rambling speech, dropped an F-bomb, caught by the 7-second delay. And I think she hit on Kirk Douglas, her presenter. If Dick Clark makes you cringe, make sure you catch Kirk's act these days. Painful. I guess since Jack wasn't around, they needed Kirk as the Old Hollywood connection. And it was only the 83rd Oscars, not some special anniversary. Anyhow, Melissa was seen singing, "Somewhere Over The Fucking Rainbow" at the end of the show with PS 22.

Did anyone notice the Best Animated Short was won by a Short man?

Why did Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin wear the same white tux? They presented the Adapted Screenplay award to Aaron Sorkin, as I said, the bone for "The Social Network". BTW, after each Facebook joke, Jesse Eisenberg reacts as if he's really Mark Zuckerberg. And I knew the Original Screenplay would go to "The King's Speech". Unfortunately, the writer David Seidler stuttered as a kid and is apparently blind now as he asked, "Where's the mic?"

Hugh Jackman is sitting next to Halle Berry. Or Wolverine is sitting next to Storm. The bit about Jackman not wanting to sing with Hathaway. Was it a bit? I mean, if that needs to be explained, its humor was engulfed by the uncomfortable.

Russell Brand is a presenter on my Oscars. Get the fuck outta town!

Christian Bale and his beard won! Be sure you go to www.dickekland.com for boxing tips. Did he forget his wife's name there or crack? Hard to say.

ABC has the Oscar telecast through 2020. I hope Kirk Douglas is on.

Cleveland Oscar Scoreboard: Trent Reznor, 1. Bob Hope, 0.

I'm surprised that Matthew McConaughey had a shirt on. because it looked like he and Scarlett Johannson just had sex. Now every time I see McConaughey, I keep hearing him say, "Beef. It's what's for dinner."

Marisa Tomei gave out the Techie awards this year. This segment gets shorter each passing year.

Cate Blanchett with a godawful dress. Rick Baker wins for Makeup for "The Wolfman". Oscar Scoreboard: Rick Baker 7, Roger Deakins 0. Baker just lets his partner do most of the acceptance speech now.

Kevin Spacey introduces some Best Song nominees.

"Inside Job" wins for Best Doc. The only political statement of the evening follows that not one financial executive has gone to jail. That's after Oprah was kinda loitering by the mic.

As I predicted, "God of Love" won Best Live Short. The filmmaker also starred in the movie. He was a modern-day Cupid. He also thanked Delaware.

Robert Downey, Jr. allows Jude Law to increase his profile at his expense. Not sure what that was.

Jennifer Hudson intros the final Best Song noms and has trouble reading them. Weight Watchers is like a reverse "The King's Speech". I think I just saw Fake Dido and Indian Sting do a song. Then Gwyneth Paltrow does not do "Melissa Leo You", but a song from the Jim Thome biopic, "Country Strong". Randy Newman wins! He is now 2-for-20. Best speech of the evening. Randy Newman Chicken! Last time he won, he said, "I don't want your pity." Did you notice Newman is like Dale Jr., who doesn't have to thank anyone, like his sponsors.

I leave the room and the Dead People Scroll comes on unannounced. Jeezy creezy, Celine Dion is singing, so we can't hear who the cool kids were that everyone applauds. Leslie Neilsen in his umpire gear smiling. I am beyond happy the Dennis Hopper clip was from "Blue Velvet". Apparently, Lena Horne was the most important person to die last year. Or was this year's nod to diversity death. Not sure which. But it allowed Halle Berry to tear up and look vulnerable.

Tom Hooper virtually guarantees an almost sweep for "The King's Speech" by getting Best Director. He also directed "The Damned United", my soccer movie from 2009.

Jeff Bridges presents Best Actress to Natalie Portman. There is a guy sitting behind Portman that looks like Alan Colmes. On stage, she sends a shoutout to Luc Besson! Yes!

Sandra Bullock, on orders from her therapist, does return to give the Best Actor statue to Colin Firth. Y-y-ya-yawn. Then Sandy goes looking for McConaughey.

The Best Picture Oscar goes to "The King's Speech".

As PS 22 comes out to sing the closer, "Somewhere Over The Rainbow", all of the winners come back on stage. Hathaway starts high-fiving all the kids and I realize I can never go bowling with her.