Tonight, it's "Music's Biggest Night". Yep, it's the Grammy Awards from the Staples Center in LA. In HD.
















8:00: Hey, it's Francis Albert Sinatra talking about the Grammys. He's dead. However, he joins Alicia Keys in a duet on "Learnin' The Blues". He's in black and white. She's in color. So is the orchestra. I think I saw Yoko and Ringo in the same row in the crowd.

8:05: Carrie Underwood comes on and sings "Before He Cheats". Wow, talk about "pimping out", she looks hot. She has a band and what appears to be a "Chicks from Stomp" production going on. They have big sticks, so maybe it's "Chicks with Sticks". Ahem. Anyhow, it looks stupid.

8:09: Prince is on! Best R&B Female goes to, oddly enough, Alicia Keys for "No One". Prince takes off his shades and gives her the award. Mmmmm. I sense Appolicia in the future.















8:17: Jimmy Jam to say a few words. But a reunion of The Time has broken out. Omigod, Morris Day and Jerome Benton come out. I think Morris borrowed Prince's shades. Of course, it's "Jungle Love". "Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh". Jerome has found a mirror! I wonder if it's an original that he found in his garage. Rihanna follows with "Umbrella" and we have another production number featuring...umbrellas. Please don't stop the music seems to be the message. Morris finishes with a "Yay-es" and asks Rihanna if she has the time.

8:23: Tom Hanks inducts "The Band" as Lifetime Achievers. I love "The Band". Robbie Robertson in the house! Hanks then talks about The Beatles.

8:25:: Which evolves into a Beatles tribute. Crap, Cirque du Soleil. It's a "Day In The Life". "I saw these clowns today...I just had to laugh...I'd love to turn them off." Now we have some youth singing "Let it Be". An older lady gives it that unnecessary Gospel treatment. Kinda like next year at the inauguration when Patti Labelle sings "Hail to the Chief". Oooh, peace symbols at the end. Standing O.

8:34: Cyndi Lauper and Hannah Montana. Best New Artist goes to Amy Winehouse. Hey, they got that right.

8:35: Jason Bateman is outside the Staples Center. He tells us the Foo Fighters contest will be on soon. It's between two fiddlers and a cellist. I sense "The Pretender" is the song. He intros the conductor of My Grammy Moment Contest Winner Orchestra as "John Paul Jones... from Led Zeppelin...that's for the morons!" Hah!
















8:45: It's Kanye West channeling Kraftwerk. It appears he has a computer on his suit. He's got cool-looking white shades from the "Max Headroom" collection. Plus, we have fire like the Cavs games. Hey, it's Daft Punk helping out with the electronica. Next, Kanye ditches the glasses (and Daft Punk) and has a tribute to his Mom. No mention of George Bush.















8:52: Fergie with John Legend at the piano. They're former Grammy winners, you know. Why does Fergie look like Rene Russo all of a sudden? Of course, it's a ballad. Best Compilation Album goes to "Love". Sir George Martin and son bring Ringo up.

























9:03: Cher with her new face, introduces Beyonce, who is showing her legs. It's apparently a tribute to every black woman who has ever won a Grammy. Hey, it's Tina Turner! Ike who? His death has seemingly no effect. She hasn't lost much, I'd say. "What's Love Got To Do With It." You know, it's a second-hand emotion. She then goes into "You Better Be Good To Me". No Fixx reunion, though. Wait a minute, Tina doesn't move like she used to, that looked like Tom Jones right there. "Nice and easy". Uh-oh, you know what that means..."Proud Mary" with Beyonce. Standing O.

9:13: Nelly Furtado, former Grammy host Andy Williams, and someone I don't know, make Burt Bacharach an Achiever. It's Song of the Year and it goes to Amy Winehouse for "Rehab". Nice.





















9:20: The contest winner is a violinist. Here are the Foos with "The Pretender". At this precise time, Channel 19 rolls the school closings, taking me out of HD mode. Fockers! The Foos tonight, at least, are a 35-member unit with that orchestra.





















9:32: George Lopez intros the white-hatted Brad Paisley. I like him, he's rather harmless. I'm talkin' about Paisley.

9:37: Chris Brown, A-Kon and some chick give Best Pop Album to Kanye West. He turned the suit back on. He reminds everyone not to release an album when he does, because he will win every time. He is the man these days.


















9:42: Chris "Ludacris" Bridges inducts Cab Calloway as an Achiever. Why not just Ludacris anymore? Anyhow, it's a Gospel session. My God, Aretha Franklin is huge. Officially getting her clothes at Hamiltion Tent and Awning now. OK, everyone should know there is no school tomorrow, as 19 stops the closings and we are back in HD.

9:56: Carole King and Dierks Bentley tell us that Earl Scruggs is an Achiever. Leslie Feist comes on and starts counting. I decide to buy a 32MB iTouch during this performance. I been hypnotized! Of all songs to have no production number. Is that the Canadian Brass behind her? Nope, but it could be.

9:59: Louis Prima and Keely Smith via the Wayback Machine! Why can't someone have a Louis Prima Night? Keely Smith, a Grammy winner from 50 years ago, and Kid Rock sing "That Old Black Magic" or something like it, with Dave Koz on sax. Man, this is a creepy pairing. Where is Andy Williams, couldn't he sing with Kid Rock? Anyhow, Best Rock Album goes to Foo Fighters. Not a surprise...THEY PERFORMED! Why do you think Amy Winehouse is on via the big bird? Dave Grohl with a nice speech.

10:11: The increasingly weird Stevie Wonder, with harmonica, appears. Barry Gordy is an Industry Icon. Is that the same or better than being an Achiever? Alicia Keys is back to sing "No One". She is getting lots of air time this evening. John Mayer, without a VW, plays guitar late on the song.


















10:17: Ringo Starr and Eurhythmic Dave Stewart, with Prince's shades. Best Country Album goes to the non-performing Vince Gill. "I've just had an award given to me by a Beatle. Have you had that happen yet, Kanye?" Choice!

10:25: Itzhak Perlman and Max Roach are granted Achievement status by Joe Mantegna. Of course, we have Herbie Hancock and is it Lang-Lang? Why no Yo-Yo Ma? Why no T-Bone? Anyhow, they proceed to tinkle their respective ivories on "Rhapsody In Blue". I proceed to book a flight on United during this performance.

10:33: Who are these ding-dongs presenting Rap/Sung Collaboration? Jay-Z and Rihanna for "Umbrella". Shut up! Didn't see that coming. Damn 19 has been running those school closings for a while again. WTF?

10:41: Cuba Gooding, wearing Amy Winehouse's underwear, intros Amy via satellite from London. I get to sing along with that instant classic, "I'm No Good". Oh, we get a bonus track, "Rehab". With all of her publicity lately, give her credit for singing this and the Grammys for allowing it. I'm sure she'll pick up a Tanqueray off camera.
















10:47: Natalie Cole and that shrinking Achiever, Tony Bennett. They intro Doris Day as an Achiever. Doris Freakin' Day. Morris Day comes out by mistake. "Once I had a secret love...". Anyhow, Record of the Year goes to Amy Winehouse for "Rehab". I'm back in HD. The crowd shouts "Amy!". "To my incarcerated Blake", she says. They can't get out of that feed quick enough. Let's party!

10:57: The Recording Academy CEO talks about all the good they do. You know, Music Cares, the Grammy Museum, they want to be comped for radio airplay, as well. Grammy, not just an award show. Hey, Beldar is playing an Oscar Peterson tune. Naw, it's Eldar. It's the Dead Person Honor Roll!

11:03: They end with Pavarotti and some guy intros a tribute to him and all the other dead people. Josh Groban helps with the honors as the other guy sings, too.
















11:12: Bonnie Raitt brings us John Fogerty, Little Richard and Jerry Lee Lewis. Fogerty sings a verse of one of his songs and can still rock. Jerry Lee actually sings "Great Balls Of Fire".

Elvis: "Jerry Lee, do you think I sing the Devil's music?"
Jerry Lee: "Son, you ARE the Devil."

When he sings, "Kiss me, baby" though, it just does not seem the same.

Little Richard kicks ass on "Good Golly Miss Molly". Fogerty helps with Verse 2, but I'm tellin' ya, Little Richard is pretty strong here.

Other Grammy winners just in: Barack Obama and The Flight of the Conchords!

11:27: Usher and Quincy Jones present the final award of the night. Album of the Year. It goes to Herbie Hancock for "River: The Joni Letters". Did this vote count take place in New Mexico? Kanye West should go up there and beat the shit of someone. Seriously. I'm sure it's a fine album, but come on. And on that note, the evening ends with a buzzkill.

All the winners!

Meal of Links

Hillary dumps her campaign manager. On a strange note, a Nobel laureate says if Obama is elected, he will also be assassinated. Well, that's confidence in the electorate.

Don't the Cavs salary cap issues make you wanna puke? They couldn't even trade for Jason Alexander this year with this bunch. We're gonna have to dance with the one who brung us.

I like caramels, too.

Exercise Yard

Boxing has been a bit lame thus far in '08. But HBO took over the schedule and two pretty good bouts on "Boxing After Dark" last night. In the first, one of my faves, Andre Berto, took on Michel Trabant in the Welterweight division. Berto made him quit on his stool after the sixth. Berto emptied the arsenal with Trabant, hitting him with almost every punch known to man, including some exceptional uppercuts.

In the main event at Welterweight, it was Carlos Quintana against Paul "The Punisher" Williams, the champ. Unfortunately for Williams, he fought more like Paul "The Songwriter" Williams. He just didn't have it. Quintana dominated the first two rounds and consistently beat the champ to the punch. It went the distance, which always brings that pit to my stomach. There's that old convention that you have to KO a champ to take his title and that would have been very unfair to Quintana. He was the better fighter and deservedly won a unnanimous decision.

It starts a good stretch of boxing with Pavlik-Taylor 2 next week and a Klitschko fight later in the month. Then we have Marquez and Pacquiao again in March. And last week, the publicity machine started for Calzaghe-Hopkins for their April bout in Vegas.

Visitor

None, it's Sunday.