Here are the 10 Most Caffeinated Diet Drinks. Well, we knew Diet Mountain Dew would be near the top. Not that I have a 24-oz.'er nearby or anything. Damn that devil caffeine! BTW, is Diet Cheerwine some bleach or is it an adult beverage? Is it like Shimmer?

Gilda Radner: "New Shimmer is a floor wax!"

Elliot Gould: "No, new Shimmer is a dessert topping!"

GR: "It's a floor wax!"

EG: It's a dessert topping!

GR: "It's a floor wax, I'm telling you!"

EG: "It's a dessert topping, you cow!"

Dan Aykroyd[enters quickly]: "Hey, hey, hey, calm down, you two. New Shimmer is both a floor wax and a dessert topping! Here, I'll spray some on your mop...and some on your butterscotch pudding."

Meal of Links

A Baseball Dating Reality Show. Could not participate in an Indians version, because I would immediately be deemed insane by yelling "GARKO! GARKO! GARKO!" if he ever participated in a rundown during that two-inning production. Wait a minute, I yelled that in the 10th inning last night! And he threw out Michael Young at home. Way to go, Garks!

The AT&T Blueroom will host Lollapalooza this week. I see some decent stuff on the list.

Part 1 of the 50 Biggest Tearjerkers of all time. Well, there are some good ones on the list, except "Something for Joey" isn't on it. Yet. Gets me every fuckin' time and it remains my all-time blubberfest. On Sunday, I happened upon the last part of "Heaven Can Wait" after referencing the movie on Saturday. Another gut wrencher. When Jack Warden sees the clarinet by the locker and starts calling Warren Beatty, "Joe". Then he suddenly realizes he's lost his dear friend and gets the Gumby shoulders and those actions do not allow me to look clearly into Julie Christie's eyes. I dunno, maybe it's because those are sports movies or it's the name, Joe. But other ones that somehow get my allergies going or make me think it may be dusty over here are also represented: "Shawshank"-"Brooks was here", but the scene on the beach at the end is the killer; "Million Dollar Baby"-well, we have boxing, but it's "Mo cuishle means "My darling, my blood." To cite "Aliens", when that scene comes on "That's it, man, game over, man. Game over!"; "Saving Private Ryan"-Bourne was once Private Ryan.

Exercise Yard

I was, once again, in attendance at last night's Tribe game against the Rangers. Of course, it was a loss. Beacuse it was the Rangers. In a game that took, ahem, 4:03 to play. Highlights for me were that I got to pronounce Ian Kinsler a lot in some sort of faux British or Australian accent. Or was it New Zealand? And I think I said "Saltalamacchia" at least 1,000 times. My question: "Does Saltalamacchia sound better as a legal term or a medical term?"

Legal: "Your honor, my client has been exhibiting saltalamacchia and would like these charges dropped immediately."

Medical: "Ralph, you've developed a slight case of saltamacchia. Wear light clothing, drink plenty of fluids and restrict your activity. I know it sounds as if this is TV news advice for when it gets really hot, but you're not required to check on any old people at this time."

Bud Selig's "Herculean" effort to watch Barry Bonds hit 755 didn't go over well. Bud's tour takes a break today and then gears up for more fun and frolic, I mean angst, in San Diego this weekend. I hope Bonds doesn't cooperate until September.

Visitor

9 Across: Prime time soap family name (5 letters) Answer: Ewing