We're looking live at the Staples Center in Los Angeles for the 49th Grammy Awards. In HD by Sony. I have Diet IBC at the ready, some sort of Boboli Construct pizza going on, and Sun Chips, just in case. The Police (or Scrantonicity) are supposed to kick it off, and, by God, there they are.

8:00 "We are the Police...and we're back!" The red light is switched on as "Roxanne" is heard. Sting has some sort of odd haircut, I think. Stewart Copeland is really getting into it. Andy Summers...eye work done? Echo effect going on, long instrumental break to prove they can still play. That's it? One song? All that hype for that?

8:04 Jamie Foxx is on and says a stupid Po-lice joke involving Snoop and the 405. He admits that would have killed on BET. Is this Pop Vocal Collaboration? Yes. Tony Bennett and Stevie Wonder win. You have got to be kidding me. Shakira and her hips were robbed. "Stevie Wonder-ful", says Tony. Stevie has no comeback, as even a blind man can tell "Tony Bennett-ful" makes no sense. Tony gives a shoutout to Target. Hah!

8:09 Joan Baez is still breathing. Who's next on this show, Little Richard? Sounds like the Dixie Chicks are gonna perform. Hey, it's the Chili Peppers drummer. I dig the Crosseyed Chick, and she accomodates by showing thigh.

8:15 Penelope Cruz shows off her eyelashes in an ad. Honestly, mine are better and I don't work at it. "And I'm worth it."

8:18 Prince is on and says, "One word...Beyonce." She picks a song to which she doesn't shake her ass. Bring on Shakira and her hips! She has ten strings playing behind her. I realize I don't know what's above a septet. "Group of ten" or "Almost a Baker's Dozen, sort of."? I'm stumped.

8:21 The Black-Eyed Peas are on. Fergie has developed the phony accent, like Kathleen Turner or Madonna. Best R&B Album goes to (Lionel Ritchie was nominated, sheesh) Mary J. Blige. God gets a shoutout and Mary thanks the entire world by name.

8:26 Queen Latifah strolls on and may have eaten all the pizzas in LA tonight. She announces some sort of "Grammy Idol" contest" Good God! One of three women get to sing a duet with Timberlake. This is an affront of the highest proportion.

8:33 J.T. is on. Janet Jackson is not. He is at the piano, which is basically for performer ego's sake by demonstrating "I am talented." Satisfying that ego even more, he has a handheld camera so we get to see his mug up close. Quit staring at me!

8:38 It's Pink and T.I. Could Pink sound any less enthusiastic talking about The Doors, an achievement winner. T.I. proves he's urban by announcing the Female R&B Vocalist winner, Mary J. Blige. Mary keeps it short this time, but thanks Jesus.

8:46 It's Stevie again and guess what? He sings part of his intro and this act of his is getting way too old. Does it every time. He brings out John Legend, John Mayer and...Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. No, it's Corinne Bailey Rae. Next! Legend is OK, and Mayer shows his guitar skills.

8:58 Hey, it's Sunday and Aguilera is clothed. What happened to "Naked Sundays"? Pop Album Vocal goes to John Mayer for "Continuum". He keeps it short. "Grammy Idol" blows. Pick the best-looking one and move on. Whoa, 62 minutes to vote.

9:05 Shakira and her hips are on with Wyclef Jean. What is she doing? Yes! Shaking her entire body. My pen just melted. Wyclef keeps grabbing his crotch and quite frankly, I think about grabbing mine. This is CBS, right? I think I just witnessed an international incident.

9:08 To appeal to the young viewers, Burt Bacharach and Seal talk about Alpert and Moss, as A&M Records gets an award. Song of the Year goes to the Dixie Chicks. Dan Wilson is apparently a Dixie Guy. Crosseyed Chick sends a producer shoutout to Rick Rubin. Oddly, they take a lot of time and are not rushed off the stage. Mmmmm.

9:18 Two "How I Met Your Mother" actresses talk about The Grateful Dead. Were they even born then? Gnarls Barkley come out and do a subdued version of "Crazy". I believe I hear Kanye West's drum corps from last year as accompaniment. They are dressed in pilot uniforms in some sort of "Snakes on a Plane" tribute, I guess.

9:23 Speaking of Kanye, he's on now. Rap Album goes to Ludacris, who thanks more people than Mary J. Blige. Oprah (because she hates hip-hop) and even Bill O'Reilly (because he helped get Ludacris removed from a Pepsi ad) get shoutouts.

9:33 Urban "Crash" guy talks about Maria Callas, an award winner. Maria could not attend, so they showed Quentin Tarantino. WTF? Mary J. Blige sings and I get a bathroom break.

9:39 Luke Wilson, Lee Ann Rimes, and someone else introduce Country Album. It goes to the Dixie Chicks. More shoutouts to Rick Rubin and the Crosseyed Chick admits they are genreless, so why the Country award?

9:48 Reba introduces Carrie Underwood and Rascal Flatts. They are honoring Bob Wills and Don Henley. I actually have a couple of Bob Wills' Texas Swing discs. Ray Benson, of course, and a Texas Playboy fiddler accompany Carrie on "San Antonio Rose" and she does a kick ass job on it. Rascal Flatts sings "Hotel California". Yawn. Hey, I'm a Glenn Frey guy, what do I know? Underwood comes back with "Desperado", not "Wit-chay Woman". Rascal Flatts comes back with "Life In The Fast Lane".

10:00 Keeping with the youth movement, Ornette Coleman and Natalie Cole introduce the Best New Artist. Coleman is the only achievement winner to speak, thus far. The Best New Artist is Carrie Underwood. Her album seems at least five years old. God gets thanked, of course.

10:08 Samuel L. and Christina Ricci introduce some R&B folks. For me, nothing screams rhythm and blues quite like Christina Ricci. Smokey Robinson sings "Tracks of My Tears", one of my favorites. He still has it. Looks weird, but still has the chops. Lionel Ritchie sings "Hello". Perhaps, the millionth time I've turned it off. Is he Taste of Cleveland-worthy yet? Chris Brown, not the Tennessee Titan, sings something I am not familiar with, but the crowd digs it. "It's a Man's World", I guess in a tribute to James Brown, comes next.

10:25 President of Recording Academy comes on. We have a young urban pianist and a young Asian violinist to prove that not all of the youngsters are into hip-hop. Hey, Grammy Camp! If Shakira was a Grammy Camp Counselor, I'd sign up to be the bus driver. Music is important, so get out there and vote or whatever he told us to do.

10:28 List of Dead People. I heard applause for Syd Barrett, Buck Owens, Levert, Ruth Brown, Freddy Fender, Billy Preston and James Brown. James was last and one of his valets robbed his grave and draped an original cape over the microphone stand, to the applause of many. Years ago, SNL had a skit where you could pay to see Elvis's Coat on tour. I am on the floor right now.

10:38 Rihanna and David Spade. "David Bowie and Iman could not be here tonight, so they called us." Why is Ludacris yelling at me? Mary J. Blige is helping out with Earth, Wind and Fire on music. I realize I have not seen an award in a while.

10:43 James Blunt goes for a cheap pop by dedicating his performance of "You're Beautiful" to Ahmet Ertegun. Some in the crowd oblige. Blunt makes me wish Ludacris was still yelling at me.

10:52 I am really getting annoyed with Jennifer Hudson, who introduces "Grammy Idol"! First song is "Ain't No Sunshine" with Timberlake. I think Timberlake would make me look good on stage, he is doing no fancy dance moves and this girl is no dancer. Wait a minute, some other random hip-hop guy comes out to help out. This is offensive to me, as several established acts have had less air time this evening. Bah!

10:58 Tony Bennett and Quentin Tarantino give out Record of the Year. Bennett does the Uma Dance! Tarantino is high, BTW. Bennett says the Dixie Chicks win. Crosseyed Chick gives Rick Rubin another shoutout. Weird Engineer guy is wearing a tie over a sweater as his Grammy outfit.

11:08 Chris Rock gets bleeped as he introduces the Red Hot Chili Peppers. RHCP does "Snow", you know, "Hey Oh". Frusciante is wearing a tie. Big sign on the amps reads "Love to Ornette Coleman". I do not believe "Ornette" is being used as a verb, but it's a shoutout from Flea. Flea is in some weird Lakers outfit, like he came from the set of "Dodgeball" or something. Hey, it's snowing in the Staples Center. Major confetti. I mean it makes conventions look silly. Big cleanup and a really good version of the song tonight.

11:13 Speaking of conventions, it's Al Freakin' Gore and Queen Latifah! It's not easy being green. What do you think was the last record Al Gore bought? Best Rock Album is their award. Shocking. Another performer, RHCP, wins for "Stadium Arcadium". Rick Rubin with another shoutout.

11:23 My favorite, Don Henley, and Scarlett Johansson give out Album of the Year. Nominee Flea changed his outfit! This is unusual, the Dixie Chicks win again. Weird Engineer guy is back.

11:27 Scarlett bids us adieu and next year, it's Grammy Number 50!

Meal of Links

I did not go to England to see the Queen today, but I went to the Cinemark this afternoon to see "The Queen". It was a Stephen Frears movie and he did an excellent job once more, although the "People's Princess" also made quite a few appearances in this one. The story takes place in the days right after Diana's death. Christ, were people out of control on that one. I was more like Prince Philip, "Don't these people have lives?". Helen Mirren is a shoo-in for an Oscar (she and the film just took BAFTAs home), you can book that. And she had some wise words for Mr. Blair on popularity, as it turned out. Plus, the movie clocked in at about a 100 minutes, and there were actually ten people in the audience. So, the audience total of the last four movies I've seen is 21. No wonder it's $8.25 for a medium butter and a medium Pibb, and no, I still don't upgrade to a large.

Another method of downloading TV shows. In case you missed a DVR opportunity.

Speaking of John Jett, as I was about a week ago, "Bad Reputation" got picked up by TLC for the "American Chopper" show. The video is on YouTube amongst other outlets.

Exercise Yard

I wasn't thrilled too much by the Mosley-Collazo fight on HBO last night. A real yawner. "Sugar" Shane was way ahead on all cards and the announce crew didn't have much to say about the current fight. Lots of yammering about Mosley's old fights and could he get together with Mayweather. Ugh!

Becks scoring a goal yesterday against an apparently blind goalkeeper was infinitely more exciting:



Maybe that guy should have called the fight.

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