It's June 1st and that means it's Spelling Bee time! Kids cussing on TV, kids fainting, kids crying, kids with mustaches, and me drinking! For the first time ever, it's live in prime time on A-B-C, of course. And it's in H-i-g-h D-e-f-i-n-i-t-i-o-n.

We're looking live at the Grand Hyatt Hotel in our nation's capital. Robin Roberts is the host. For the first time that I can recall, there are proposition bets on the Bee. I am betting it's a non-glasses wearing female west of the Mississippi spelling the winning word which does not have an "e", but contains less than 10.5 letters.

8:00 We start with 13 spellers. You'd think we are watching the Super Bowl with this sort of intro. Let's hope a somewhat normal kid wins.

8:04 The parents are on stage to one side. This is about the kids, off with the gravy trainers. 8 boys, 5 girls, 1 rookie, 1 home schooler are preparing for battle.

8:06 Paul Loeffler is the color analyst this evening. In the words of Homer Simpson, "I have no idea who that is." Chris Connelly is also on hand, obviously fulfilling a contractual obligation.

8:08 Home schooler is up first and he's a strange lad. Dr. Jacques Strap, I mean Bailly, is tonight's pronouncer. Exergue is the word and we're up and running. No ding, he got it right.

8:10 Hey, there's a Canadian in the hunt. Don't they have their own competition? They do and she's a two-time champ. This is like Ichiro as a rookie all over again. She spells her word.

8:12 Next kid is in stall mode, asking lots of questions. Typically that is not a good sign. He cannot spell nauruz, a Persian holiday. Ding! Down to a dozen. Hug from Mom, then tears. Hah!

8:14 Asian dude gets an easy one.

8:15 The rookie is up. There is a baby crying, "Shut it down, shut it down." Starts writing in hand. The word is gematrial. Ding! Down to 11.

8:17 They ask this dude to spell "redass". Nope, that's not it. It was rubasse. This kid studied, he got it.

8:18 Ah, the normal kid, a five-time participant, representing Asbury Park, NJ. She owns a maltese. Even the boys like her. She's a sailor, to boot. Very impressive kid. She nails synusia.

8:25 They give this poor kid a synonym for appendicitis. Why not give him appendicitis? Is Dick Bavetta choosing the words? But the kid got it right.

8:28 Another hand scribbler. She gets pissed as the guy cannot pronounce the word for shit. It is Hechscher. Controversy. I think she spelled it wrong. They have to go to the audio tape to be sure. Ding! Down to 10.

8:31 Ohio kid is desperate. Can't get mithraeum. Ding! Down to 9.

8:33 First mustache appears. It's on a guy. Dude takes no time to misspell giocoso. Ding! He says, "Aah!" on his way out. Down to 8.

8:36 Kid nails Wehrmacht. "Can you use it in a sentence?" "Members of the Wehrmacht tried to kill Hitler, failed, and were assassinated." Nice thought.

8:41 They reinstated the Hechscher girl. WTF? No way. Unless there was an alternate spelling. I guess there was. The Handbook had it wrong. I-d-i-o-t-s.

8:43 Hey a Hawaiian word! Kamaaina. I would've got that correct. Home schooler is right.

8:45 Canadian intruder gets her word right.

8:46 Asian dude gets a word that is a contagious skin disease of fowls. He knows it.

8:47 Babism is the next word. Kid nails it.

8:52 Normal kid gets towhee. Correct. Good for her.

8:54 Kid is amazed when he spells coryphaeus easily and that it is correct.

8:55 Reinstated kid takes only about 15 seconds to spell her word.

8:57 Girl is scribbling all over her arm. Unfortunately, collyrium was not scribbled correctly. Ding! Down to 8 once more.

8:58 Nidharshan Anandasivam. Every day's a Spelling Bee for this kid. Paillon is the word. Ding! Down to 7.

9:06 Round 10. Home schooler says, "I have no clue." to sciolto. Ding! Down to 6. "Thank you." he says dejectedly.

9:08 The illegal Canadian gets a French word. Boo! It is guilloche. Are you kidding me?

9:09 Asian dude gets kilim easily. This allows Chris to talk to the home schooler. "What do you attribute your improvement to this year?" "I dunno. God, maybe?" Ha ha ha.

9:17 Yizkor is spelled correctly by Rajiv, who was 4th last year.

9:18 Normal kid spells shedu, not Shebop.

9:19 Appenzell costs the underdog. Ding! Down to 5. He was the last one wearing glasses.

9:20 Croquignole is spelled quickly once again by reinstated kid.

9:25 Canadian border jumper gets douane as in "Hey, Douane." made famous by the "What's Happening?" show. Can she get any easier words?

9:26 Asian dude misses syringadenous by that much. Ding! We have 4 left.

9:33 Rajiv, the only dude left, is up. He draws heiligenschein. He's stalling. Tick...tick...tick. We go to extra time. He blows it. Ding! Repeats his 4th place finish from last year. He gets a standing ovation.

9:38 Another Hawaiian word, this time for normal kid. It is hukilau. She gets it. I would have got that one.

9:39 Austausch is spelled quickly by reinstated kid.

9:43 Round 12. The Championship Words are now being used. Three girls left. the evil Canadian is up. Dasyphyllous is spelled correctly.

9:46 Reinstated kid. Ding! Down to 2. Icteritious was the word.

9:51 The Canadian intruder is next. Another French word. Machicotage is correct.

9:52 Normal kid gets a long-ass word, not used by normal types. Recrementitious is correct. And twice as long as hukilau.

9:56 The dreaded Canadian gets another French word, esquisse. Sacre bleu!

9:57 Psittacism for normal kid.

9:58 Maieutic for the Canuck. It's Greek. Doesn't matter.

9:59 Aubade for normal kid, who is rolling.

10:00 Poiesis for the damn Canadian. Got it. Normal kid gets kanone. Correct! Tension builds.

10:01 Another goddamn French word for the Canadian interloper. Tutoyer. Normal kid gets izzat. Izzat correct? You bet your a-s-s it is.

10:02 Koine for the Canadian infidel. She guessed, first chink in armor. But it's correct.

10:03 Tmesis for normal kid. Got it.

10:04 Mental depression word meaning sentimental pessimism. Uh-oh. It's weltschmertz for the soon-to-be-humbled Canadian. Stall mode. She starts with a "V". Ding!

10:06 Normal kid with a chance. She has to spell two in a row correctly, then she's the champ. She knows kundalini and spells it right away. "Kundalini Rice is in the President's cabinet." One more to go. Word two is...WTF?...it's ursprache. "Ursprache? He owes me money." She spells it...put it on the board...Yes! We have a winner! The normal kid, Kerry Close, in her fifth attempt, wins the title. Asbury Park goes crazy and riots.

Meal of Links

Sue Johansen viewers chose their Top Ten Sex Toys of the Year last week. The Talking Head Vibrator was Number One. Apparently, Girlfriend is NOT Better.

The new line of Carl Monday shirts is in. Well, there's only one. Go Bucks!

I really miss the intelligent discussions I had with my late Mom. Kind of like the ones Cory Favreau has with his Mother about "American Idol". Except for the "sharpened, cross-shaped object attached to a bicycle chain".

Exercise Yard

Can you really talk football this early? Of course. It's the Off Season Power Rankings. The Browns are much improved at...hey, wait a minute...we're still Number 22.

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