Well, that's another chunk of time I'll never get back. Yes, indeedy-doody, I was sucked in to watch "David Blaine: Almost Drowned" on ABC. You knew big-time status was bestowed on the event when ESPN's own Stuart Scott handled the hosting duties. Schtew! God, is he bad. Confirming that it was a big-time stunt, there was one sign. Remember when NBC covered football and the sign, "Nobody Beats Cleveland" would appear at the old Stadium? Some clown had a sign, "Again Blaine Cheats death".

Anyhow, it was two hours leading up to the dramatic stunt where Blaine is holding his breath underwater, while freeing himself from chains around his hands and feet. They should have played some Alice in Chains music. Of course, divers and medical staff are at the ready, in case he drowns or dies or I throw something at the TV.

The first 90 minutes was basically a heaping pile of crap. Various segments showed Blaine getting in shape for the stunt. Things like visiting the Louisiana State Pen to see what it's like to be confined. They should have made him watch 90 minutes of Jenna Elfman to see what agony really is. You know he reached the outer limits of my sanity when he drags Evel Knievel out of storage. While we listen to Evel expound once again on what it takes to be a daredevil, Blaine holds his breath for five minutes while lying down on Knievel's davenport. The irony of Evel hooked up to an oxygen tank was not lost on me. As Stu says, keep in mind, it's easier to hold your breath underwater than on dry land. I half expected Aquaman to show up for a cameo.

Then the stunt...lemme explain the use of the word stunt. First of all, they aren't gonna let him die or come close to drowning. Secondly, think of all the freedivers out there. Don't you think that that community would be a bit perturbed if a rank amateur breaks their world record in some manufactured episode. I'm reminded of the old Franklin Ajaye joke about the Olympic Marathon. He said just imagine this guy trains and trains and trains and he comes in last in the marathon. Then he says, "I coulda done that and I wouldn't of wasted all that time trainin'." Thirdly, I don't trust the guy. He says he levitates, I ain't buyin' it. However, I love his card tricks. Today's coolest was, after picking a card, the card would call you on your cellphone. Seriously, a call from "Five of Diamonds" would appear as the call you just missed.

So, it's time for the stunt. Blaine goes to 7:08, before the divers go in to save him. The record, sadly, was 8:59. Incredibly, no one has a robe or blanket as Blaine is pulled from the tank and given oxygen. Towels, mind you, towels arrive on the scene. Somehow, adding to my skepticism, he is able to address the crowd, walk gingerly down the ladder and go slowly toward the medical area. While on the air, he still hasn't had his vitals checked, sat down, or done any of the obvious things someone would do after spending a week in the tank, like heading to the potty.

Shtew ends up by saying although he didn't break the record, we have never seen such a feat of endurance. He should have been at home, watching it on TV. That was the real endurance feat.

Meal of Links

Would you buy a house from this guy? I guess cloning funded his retirement.

Some in Namibia think that having Jolie and Pitt around will boost tourism. They are insane.

Silicon Graphics files for Chapter 11. I love this blunt headline.

Exercise Yard

I have Tom Gordon on my fantasy baseball team. Since then, I have become "The Man Who Loved Tom Gordon".

Visitor

15 Across: Harvey of "The Piano" (6 letters) Answer: Keitel