Get the earmuffs for the kiddies, because the language may get salty. We are gonna take a look at the Indians game from Safeco Field in Seattle. We are trying to sweep Seattle for the first time since 1998 in their park. It is snowy here, but the sun is out in Seattle.

Today's Roster:

TV: Sony
Laptop: Dell
Beverage: Diet Mountain Dew
Snack: Planters Peanuts

Pitchers: We have Scott Elarton (without beard) for us. He'll be going against...can it be? No-o-o-o-o-o!! It's the ageless Indian killer, the unbeaten Jamie Moyer.

Announcers: Homer Mike and Rick Manning. (Thankfully, John Sanders is off today.) They are in short-sleeved attire.

Preview: Belliard is hot, while Ichiro is not. We have not beat Jamie Moyer since 1953.

The game starts as Manning calls Moyer, "the ageless veteran". Coco Crisp (with a clean-shaven head) hits the first pitch to left. Belliard, in a hurry, bunts his first pitch for an out. Uh, we are in the American League, are we not? Manning concurs.

Coco steals third with two outs. My number one pet peeve, among several. Fast guy steals third with two outs. Why? The risk-reward factor of that does not even register. Manning concurs. Moyer gets out of it.

Ichiro fouls off a bunch of pitches, then singles to left. A scared Elarton balks him to second and two fly balls bring him home and we are already down, 1-0.

My favorite, Casey Blake is up. Moyer throws his fastest pitch of the day, thus far...83 mph. Blake swings at the next pitch in the dirt and whiffs. Why is he on my team? Moyer through two.

I almost fall out of my chair when Homer Mike says Bret Boone is closing in on 1,000 RBIs for his career. Only 12 second basemen have done that. But Elarton whiffs him and gets out of the inning unscathed.

Both pitchers cruise through the third. Ichiro flies out to end the third and they cut to Asian fans. When an Hispanic guy makes an out, do they cut "to those who speak Spanish" in the crowd? Unbelievable.

Around the dial, James Woods is on "Kojak"! He killed his brother-in-law, off camera. He threw him in the river.

Jose Hernandez is hitting cleanup today. Manning calls him "Mr. Versatile". I call him, "Jack of all trades, master of none." I also call Manning a doctor.

"Mr. Versatile" is up with a runner on first. He grounds into a 1-6-3 double play. Bah! Jeremy Reed makes a terrific diving catch to end the inning. Homer Mike does not say "Wow.", but changes it up with a "Man."

James Woods' pregnant sister found out he killed her husband. This is getting Godfatheresque.

Elarton gets through the fourth and Moyer gets through the fifth. We still trail, 1-0.

Kojak promises a dying James Woods he'll take care of his sister. Pamela Hensley is in the doorway, must be the girlfriend. She looks good in a 1975 kind of way.

Miguel Olivo, hitting Kate Moss' weight coming in, rips a double to left. But Elarton gets Valdez on a bloop to short to get out of the fifth.

"Smiles, everyone." That can only mean "Fantasy Island" is on. Let's see who the guests are. David Cassidy, Carmine Ragusa ("The Big Ragu") and Tina Louise, whose story line indicates she is thirty years old. Truly, "Welcome to Fantasy Island."

In the sixth, Belliard hits a 74 mph butterfly for a single with two outs. But Moyer gets Martinez to ground out to short.

Tina Louise is kissing Mr. Roarke. They are in a haunted house. Huh?

Ichiro leads off the sixth with a single. Ruh-roh. Reed walks as Elarton is starting to struggle. The lefty Sauerbeck is warming up. Beltre hits a single to left that Ludwick (dammit) overruns and then throws wildly to third. Seattle up, 2-0. They give Sexson the unintentional intentional walk, loading the bases. The righty Betancourt warming up. Boone hits a fly to Blake and Seattle makes it 3-0.

Misty Rowe from "Hee Haw" wants to marry David Cassidy. Her character name is "Christy". She must be like Tony Danza, in that her characters must end in "-isty" to make it easy on her. Speaking of "Hee Haw"... "Hey, Grandpa, what's for supper?" I'm thinkin' chicken.

Sauerbeck in the game. He walks Ibanez. He is on the team to get the lefties out. Do your job, clown. Wedge, overmanaging in a 2005 kind of way, calls for Betancourt. Winn hits a ball to Peralta. I guess we are learning about the plays he can't make. Peralta throws it in the dirt, pulling Bard off the plate. Omar would have made that play. 4-0.

You have got to be kidding me. Miguel Olivo, now hitting Urkel's weight, hits a bases-clearing double and it is now 7-0, Seattle.

Ichiro has mercy on us, and grounds out to end the sixth.

In the seventh, Casey Blake whiffs again! Aaron Boone is next and wait, he hits a...Home Run! Boone actually circles the bases correctly and we are now losing, 7-1. It's stretch time in Seattle.

Jason Davis enters the game for us. A collective yawn emanates from Cleveland. I am not a J.D. fan. But he strikes out Sexson, ending a day where Richie did not hit a fair ball. We go to the eighth.

Moyer has a seven-pitch inning in the eighth and looks like he's zeroing in on a complete game.

Homer Mike says that Brian Roberts is "overshattering" Sammy Sosa in Baltimore. Omar would have said that correctly. Meanwhile, Davis has walked two guys. WTF? Do we have anyone warming up? Miguel Olivo, channeling Babe Ruth, also walks. Riske is warming up as J.D. goes to 3-and-0 on the NUMBER NINE HITTER. Of course, he walks him, forcing in a run. This inning is taking forever and "Everyday Eddie" Guardado is in the Seattle pen, ending Moyer's day.

Homer Mike mentions that the Indians think J.D. might be a future closer, but that he needs to throw strikes. I suggest that Davis will be sent down with the comment, "We need to get J.D. some work." I bet it happens this week. He walks Ichiro to make it 9-1 and Wedge finally gets off his ass after the fifth straight walk and gets Jason Davis off of my TV.

Riske comes in and gets Reed to hit into a home-to-first double play. Homer Mike chimes in with, "Good things happen when you throw strikes."

Guardado comes in for the ninth. "Mr. Versatile" flies out to right on his first pitch. Who is our last hope? Aaaargh, it's Casey Blake. He hits his first pitch and pops up. Game over. The Indians must have had the motor running on the bus, as they looked at only 4 pitches in the ninth.

We outhit Seattle 6-5 in this game. But in one of the suckiest games that ever sucked, we lose, 9-1. Where's that chicken?

Meal of Links

I buy some stuff from Lush, and one of their offerings is bath bombs. How to make your own bath bomb.

One would think Whistler's Mother would win at the International Whistlers Convention.

Omigod. Did anyone see the photo (not online) that was the centerpiece of the Friday PD's story on the singles life in NEO? This guy in his fifties is posing in his drained hot tub, with his white socks on and his gut hanging over his belt, complaining about women wanting a "George Clooney type". They asked him what attitude he possessed and he replied, "Ziggy." For the love of God, man, do not compare yourself to Ziggy in a major metropolitan newspaper with an accompanying photo proving the fact. He may have to leave town.

Exercise Yard

One more item on the NFL Draft. Not really sure what St. Louis Ram receiver Torry Holt's qualifications were to be on the ESPN panel, but after Michael Irvin's over-the-top performance last year, they must have decided a current player would be nice to have. Why no Corey Chavous? For the most part Holt was OK, but in the same sentence he called Troy Williamson and Daunte Culpepper, "Troy Williams and Daunte Pepper". Come on. Then in the most uncomfortable clip I saw, the Rams made their third round pick...Oshiomogho Atogwe!!! In some sort of odd Henry Higgins-like moment, idiot Berman started teaching Holt how to say his name. At least 4 tries. High comedy. BTW, I didn't see it when the Rams later chose Richie Incognito.

Woke up early for the F1 race today. Actually, I had a strange dream that woke me up. Dammit, where is it? Went through Speedchannel's listings. Finally found out why. Tape-delayed on CBS at 1:00. This is the first of four races on CBS. Thank goodness, Monaco is not one of them. That race should never be taped for US consumption. Ever.

Visitor

None, it's too late in the year to be snowing on a Sunday.