The Cavs start up the Conference Finals against Orlando tomorrow. Here are the basic things we will hear during this round:

Dwight Howard is Superman.

How to pronounce Hedo Turkoglu. Impress your friends, he’s a Turk and it’s Turk–a-lou. No "g" sound.

Rafer Alston honed his craft on the playground.

Coach Stan Van Gundy looks like Ron Jeremy.

Orlando loves the three-pointer.

The Cavaliers do not match up well with Orlando.

But keep this in mind. We have the #1 player in the league. We have the #1 defense in the league. We have the #1 offensive rebounding team in the league. Having said that, we know the Cavs will lose a game in this series. Maybe 1, hopefully only 2, probably not 3, and certainly not 4 games, but they will lose a game during this round. So, we may as well refute ahead of time, all of the crap we will be hearing when the Cavs eventually drop a game.

The Announcers Are Biased

Whenever any Cleveland team makes it this far into the playoffs, this is the go-to card for idiots. I’ve heard this since I was a youngster. Most prominently, Bob Costas, Joe Morgan and Bob Uecker were anti-Cleveland Indians during 1995 and 1997 World Series. This glosses over the fact that Mike Hargrove was the only person in America who did not know Atlanta would bunt in Game 1 in 1995. And the fact that Jim Poole batted in Game 6 in 1995. Let me repeat that, Jim Poole was sent to up to hit in Game 6. And the fact Tony Hernandez had an error late in Game 7 in 1997 that he thanks God every day for Jose Mesa's debacle.

In 2007, it was C.C. Sabathia struggling in Game 1 against the Yankees, but yet the TBS crew hated the Indians. It never ends. It’s already started with Charles Barkley. His “Mistake on the Lake” comments are going to overshadow anything he says about the Cavs in this series, good or bad.

Marv Albert and Doug Collins will call the games on TNT. Marv still has it and is as good as it gets. Doug Collins is OK, but I’m telling you, wait for that first loss. These guys will get their share of criticism.

The National Media Are Biased

The inferiority around this place can become suffocating, at times. Be prepared for a dose of this when the Cavs lose one. I think the media have been very fair with the Cavs. I have seen and heard many pundits picking them to win this round. There is an ulterior motive, however. It’s a huge final if it’s Cavs-Lakers. A passing of the torch, perhaps, from ex-Olympic teammates, Kobe to LeBron. So, it benefits the networks if indeed, this does this happen. It’s a fairly compelling story. Don’t think for a moment the media want Orlando to win. Yet, this is what we’ll hear after a loss.

The Refs Are Biased

Probably the toughest to refute. This is a league that had “Mister Don-a–gee, that rogue official” go to jail for gambling. And they had the referee, who they admitted blew a call at the end of a Dallas-Denver game, ref a game only a few days later in the Laker-Rocket series. So, the NBA really doesn’t help itself when the perception of their officiating is the worst of the major sports.

And I’ve witnessed some incredibly bad officiating in the history of Cavs playoff basketball. Nate Thurmond fouling out in Boston and a 1992 game against New Jersey, which remains the most heinous turnaround in officiating from one half to another I’ve ever seen.

Sure, LeBron goes to the line a ton and should go more. He gets hacked on virtually every drive to the hoop. But there will be a game where the Cavs might go to the line 15 times and Orlando 35 times or something like that. Then Mike Brown will address the stat sheet at the postgame presser and the town will cry bloody murder.

To prepare everyone for the refereeing, look, it happens every year. It self-corrects in the next game and we can all live happily after ever.

If you hear any of this crap after the Cavs first playoff loss, you’ve been warned.

Meal of Links

F-R-E-E, that spells free. As in chocolate.

A complaint about food snobbery at food kitchens. Where does it say the homeless can't have a good meal every now and then? Why is that so bad? I don't get it. The place, MEND, does not take stimulus money, BTW.

Jerry Springer leaves Chicago. He'll find a whole batch of new weirdos in Connecticut.

OK, That's Spacey



Stewie Hates Fox Ads



Exercise Yard

Rich people suck at sports. Maybe that's why they buy teams?

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5 Across: Italian-American singer Jerry (4 letters) Answer: Vale