Randomness from today's Browns home game:

Ah, Opening Day Pageantry for the Browns:

















Special Guest: My brother Jeff, along with his uncanny Browns winning percentage, is in attendance at today's game. The Browns ("Here in Cleveland? I didn't know they still had a team!") Version 2.3 seems to be teetering on the brink.

It could be the brink of a disaster or the start of something good. Knowing the Browns as I do, I lean heavily toward the former. Why the pessimism? We have a coach who may be fired, if there are no wins on this early schedule. Which includes our division rivals in the first three home games. Our starting quarterback seems to be in the position of keeping the seat warm for the heir apparent. Our new O.C., "Chud", showed absolutely nothing in the preseason, and the new offense looked a lot like the old offense, except for some motion packages. Is he a poker player or a genius? Time will tell. We have no suitable backup at running back. And, by God, what is my epitaph? "We still can't stop the fuckin' run."

Usually, Opening Day should be teeming with optimism. The grass always looks greener, the Browns look browner and the hot dogs are, well, hot doggier. But these appear to be the perennial SOBs (Same Old Browns) they've been since their return.

















Browns Spirit Flag: The Browns unveiled a Spirit Flag today. They also played "Smells Like Teen Spirit" after their only TD. I said, "It smells like team spirit...like crap."

Today's Opponent: Our hated rivals, the Pittsburgh Steelers. The Stillers come to town with a new head coach, one of the youngest in the league. They also have a mascot for the first time in their history, one Steely McBeam. The QB, Ben Roethlisberger, is healthy once again. Last year, the unhealthy version torched us in a 4th quarter comeback. They run the ball well and it seems like a typical Steeler team.

The Weather: Not looking promising early Sunday morning. However, as the morning progressed, it appeared most of the rain moved out. And it did, until the 4th quarter, when it rained pretty hard for several minutes.

Today's Giveaway: The Browns gave away orange towels that were supposed to counteract the Terrible Towel of the Steelers. I didn't get one, but I believe the towel read, "Here we go Brownies, here we go!"

Section 345: Hey, you could tell the Steelers were in town. The "Asshole" chants were prevalent and, of course, the gendarmes were called at least three times to quell any disturbances between fans of the rivals. Obviously, it was the Steelers fans fault, as it always seems to be.

Yes, I did forget that one of the people escorted out was probably our favorite jersey of the day. An orange jersey with the number 7&7 and the name "Drunken Monkey".

Best Browns Play: The flyover at the beginning of the game. I just loves me those flyovers, with real military jets. Later on, there was a Modell flyover, when a commercial jet was headed for Hopkins.

Second-Best Browns Play: Gene Hickerson was presented with his Hall of Fame ring today. For the veteran fans of the Browns in the crowd, it was an extremely nice gesture. Randy Lerner does a lot of these things the right way.

Worst Browns Play: Browns get the opening kickoff. Everyone excited. Let's start the season right, men. First play: 2-yard run. Like "Deal or No Deal", that's OK. Second play: Incomplete pass. Mmmm, that's familiar. Third play: Sack. Uh-oh. Bring on the punt team.

Our new punter, Paul Ernster fumbles the snap, picks up the ball, runs to his left, kicks, then gets drilled. Ball only goes 15 yards. In the meantime, flags are flying everywhere. Then, like a scene from a CYO game, the ref tells us there are four penalties, all on the Browns. Just when you think you've seen it all, like the year under Marty Schottenheimer, when the Browns used anywhere from 8 to 13 players on a play, this occurs. I'm not sure I've ever seen three, let alone four fouls on one team. There was an illegal formation, two holdings and a bunch of illegal men downfield. A microcosm of all that ails this team.

Oh, and the Roethlisberger-to-Holmes 40-yard pass was a thing of beauty to watch. But that play was bad for us.

Best Line from Me (after we get the ball trailing, 24-0): "There's a gleam, men!"

Best Line from Jeff (after another stupid replay challenge): "Maybe he needs a Challenge Coordinator." This now makes Romeo zero-for-a million on replay challenges. Jeff thinks he needs to throw the beanbag like a man, so the refs treat him with respect.

Best Line from a Random (after another Derek Anderson incomplete pass): "You suck, too."

Oddest Browns Jersey: Again with the extremely poor choices. The typical: 2 Couch, 5 Garcia, 10 Holcomb, 31 Green (can you think of anymore reviled players here?) But these were the oddest: 12 Strock, 38 Langham, 57 Rudd (the most peculiar, by far), 81 Morgan (in orange and white) and a bizarre trio of people wearing 81 Bryant (very strange).

Food Items: Brat $4.75, Dr. Pepper $3.50. My brother, apparently on his way to the electric chair, had 2 hot dogs, a pretzel and a pop. OK, I shared some of the pretzel.

Best Fan Cam Feature: I have had it with these halftime highlights the Browns present. Today, "Baghdad Dave" Chudowsky delivers the news through some sort of Browns Filter. Please note, we are getting our asses kicked, 17-0, at the half. But you wouldn't know it from the highlights. Once again, they refuse to show any Steeler scores. It gets worse, as they show a pass completion from Charlie Frye, who was unceremoniously yanked as QB early. WTF? They show random Browns plays that actually gained yardage, and there were not many. Then, looking for some sort of silver lining, he utters what may have been the most preposterous thing I've ever heard: "The Browns are looking good on Time of Possession." I mean, seriously, can this guy right now. Unbelievable. Amazingly, they only had the ball for about 2 minutes in the second half.

The Fuckin' Run: The Browns gave up 206 yards on the ground. Ugh. They ran for 46. Yikes.

Worst Stat: Charlie Frye was sacked five times and lasted only 23 minutes as the Browns quarterback before he was benched. 23 minutes! Amazing.

2nd Worst Stat: Charlie Frye's QB rating was 10. You need to be really bad to get a 10. Makes you yearn for the halcyon days of Doug Peterson.

Most Interesting Stat: The Browns had five turnovers (2 interceptions, 3 fumbles)



















Why, oh why, do I continue this torture? A game of high hopes for most people, dashed so quickly. Sarcasm enters the building in record time, two minutes and one second into the game, with the botched punt. Shouts of "Brady! Brady!" echoing throughout the stands. Frye lasts 23 minutes as quarterback. Winslow with a bad penalty, Cribbs with a bad penalty. Anderson throwing behind his receivers. Frye getting sacked. Sacked again. Again. Again. Again. Jurevicius with a drop. Carter with a drop. Romeo bungling both of his replay challenges. Defense not doing much of anything. Punter will be cut this week.

Browns lose, 34-7.

Yep, this is our team:

















Welcome to the 2007 season!

Meal of Links

A look at some really bad cars. None of mine are on here.

What Congress thinks about the surge. I actually like Gen. Petraeus, but he's in a tough spot.

People can be kicked off of airplanes because of what they wear? When my Dad told me about this, I thought, boy, her outfit must have been rally racy. But now I don't think so.

Exercise Yard

The secret signs of beach volleyball. Looked at this a long time and still couldn't figure it out.

Visitor

None. Are you ready for some football? Hey, the Browns are playing, too.