I was able to bug out a bit early from work yesterday to celebrate what America is all about. Yes, watching my good friend "Maury", joined in progress. What has this show become? Well, yesterday's program was "Help! My Abusive Boyfriend Makes Me Prostitute". Not cook, clean, wash clothes, do the dishes. Nope, that would be boring. But prostitute, hey, we got ourselves a "Maury"!

First of all, Maury's audience seems to filled with high schoolers on a field trip. And the actresses in his enactments are much prettier than his actual guests. I have joined the program late and missed Abusive Guy #1, Milton. But I arrived in time to see Abusive Guy #2, Timothy. On tape, Timothy resembles a creepy Bill Gates sans eyewear. "At the end of the day, I'm a man and she's still a dumb bitch." Nothing like having the audience hate you immediately. Maury, who is especially sassy today, says, "You're not a man, you're a dog." Timothy specializes in profanities, as all I'm hearing is "All y'all!" and a series of bleeps. He has been on the show before, as Maury senses ratings when someone this combative is on the air. Maury promises a big surprise later for Timothy. America can hardly stand the excitement.

Abusive Guy #3, J.B., is next. On tape, J.B. says things like, "I'll choke her ass out." and "If she doesn't do what I say, I lock her in the closet." Apparently, J.B. thinks he is on a "Father of the Year" episode and has prepared his A material. Anyhow, back on stage, Maury asks J.B.'s woman what her phone number is. She replies she has no phone. Not sure if this means cellphone, but the audience starts hissing, conveniently forgetting she lives with J.B. and they probably have a home phone. J.B. convinces his woman to keep her head down. I guess you can't be physically abusive on stage, so each guest, thus far, has employed this tactic. Maury, momentarily dimwitted, doesn't get it. J.B. reminds him, "I'm in control." amongst many "She know how I go." statements. Maury zings J.B. with, "That's not control...that's fear." J.B. replies, "That ain't no fear. Uh-uh, that ain't fear." Maury goes to commercial.

And here's where the show essentially breaks down, as we knew it would, sort of like the last half of "Men At Work". Another former guest, "Q" arrives on the scene. Maury tells the Abusive Guys that "Q" was just like them, until he came on "Maury", got help, and turned his life around. So, "Q" is eminently qualified to dispense advice. He quotes, no, actually yells, MLK. "Q" channels a Chili's commercial and announces he has his baby back. The surprise for Timothy is that "Q" is gonna take him backstage and teach him some life lessons.

Meanwhile, some crazy woman comes on stage, with her sister in tow, of course. She was stabbed multiple times by her Abusive Guy, so again Maury has found a highly-qualified person to talk to the women. Maury, sensing this is going badly, cuts her off and reminds her that she will soon be talking to the women backstage. I'll move ahead and reveal that the woman basically says these are my wounds, this could be you, and worse, "you could end up six feet under". But her story was spoken in a very unintelligent way. Like most of Maury's guests and experts.

Next up, is another former guest, D West. Another guy with an odd name. Anyhow, "D" is gonna talk, well, yell at the remaining Abusive Guys, Milton and J.B. But that's not at all, as we find out after another commercial break.

You see, D West doesn't take Milton and J.B. to the morgue. That would be too obvious and strain the budget. No, "D" takes them to a local funeral home. WTF? There, an unnamed preacher tries to put Milton and J.B. on the right path. Well, going down that path takes one step to get going, so "D" leads the men to the vault in the funeral home. Where, in the voiceover, Maury talks about "the stench of death". D West then takes each man and shows them the "dead bodies" in the room. But under the sheet, lying on a slab, is each Abusive Guy's girlfriend. I see you working, "D". Since it's nearing 5:00, both men have miraculously seen the light, somehow waded through "the stench of death" and promise to stop being Abusive Guys.

Meanwhile, "Q" is starting to reveal what his surprise for Timothy entails. "Q" has some odd training habits, but maybe this stopped him from being an Abusive Guy. "Q" takes Timothy backstage at Maury headquarters. "Q" proceeds to order Timothy to clean a toilet with a toothbrush, saying what he's going through now is like the humiliation his girlfriend feels. "Q" then has some role playing in mind, as he instructs Timothy and his girlfriend to switch places in how they recline at home. The girl immediately goes for the couch, while "T" has to lie on the floor. Setting aside their obvious lack of feng shui in their home, I'm sensing a breakthrough. Next, "Q" wants Timothy to make a sandwich for him and Timothy's girlfriend, right there in Maury's kitchen. "Q" wants lots of mayo on his turkey and swiss. There seems to be a problem, as the girlfriend gets mustard on hers and announces she hates mustard. "Q", again in a fit of genius, throws her sandwich at the wall, demonstrating the humiliation she must suffer when not pleasing her man. After this rather shocking display, Timothy promises the world he has changed and won't be abusive anymore.

Not sure what I learned after watching this "Maury", but these thoughts come to mind:

"Q" loves mayo.

If we just made the sandwiches we want, the world would be a better place.

I didn't know you could tour a local funeral home, and playact while you're there.

I love the "Maury" show.

BTW, Maury celebrates the holiday today with "Born a Boy or Girl? You'll Never Guess". Imagine the fireworks on the next "Maury".

Meal of Links

Silly college students. The PD reports that two Mensas have developed a map for cheap parking for sporting events Downtown. Uh, no mention of FREE PARKING, as on the street, by a meter, hello! I can tell you which streets have meters, even the two-hour ones, yes, you can park in a truck zone legally after 6:00, etc. What a waste of ink.

Keith Olbermann is at it again.

Snopes tells us what happened to the original signers of the Declaration of Independence. Have a safe holiday!

Exercise Yard

I thought Kobayashi was not going to the Hot Dog Eating Championships, but he is. I wonder if he was sandbagging about his arthritic jaw. But there's something about the 4th of July that fires him up, so we'll see how he does. And keep in mind, since the record is 59 in 12 minutes, think how many months it takes you to eat 59 hot dogs.

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