I tuned in to that never-disappointing televison event, The 2006 Grammy Awards. Let's get the inventory. We have Green Tea by Sobe Lean, HDTV by Sony, snack items include Red Vines, Sour Cream and Onion Pringles and Organic Corn Chips (Hey, they were on sale). Here we go:

8:00: It's Madonna and Gorillaz. I hear "Feels Good", I see Gorillaz, but no Madonna. Great thing about a cartoon band, they travel cheap. De La Soul are there live and they are screaming way too loud. But wait, there's more! There she is and she's shakin' it. A lot. She looks like she got her outfit from the Flash Gordon Outlet. Christ, Madonna is still gettin' it done.

8:07 Pan of audience. I recognized not one person. They run down the list of folks appearing. I like the name John Legend.

8:09 Stevie Wonder and Alicia Keys. Stevie makes blind jokes! They duet on an a cappella version of "Higher Ground". Mercifully, it's short. Best Female Vocal: Kelly Clarkson. That's a bad omen for the rest of the evening.

8:15 Coldplay comes on and Chris Martin looks suspiciously like Dr. House. It's a pleasant enough tune. Martin goes into the crowd and basically runs around like a dork.

8:20 John Legend gets mentioned again.

8:25 It's John Legend in wonderful black & white. What is this, an Oz tribute? I have an HDTV, CBS! Ah, there's the color. Doesn't help the song, however.

8:29 It's Best New Artist nominee, Sugarland. Don't they have three albums out? I hear voices. Ha, the guitarist's mike is dead.

8:31 Big and Rich (WTF?) come out to mention Merle Haggard wins the Lifetime Award. Best Country Album goes to underwhelming crowd favorite...Alison Krauss. Applause died quickly on that one.

8:40 U2 with "Vertigo". It's been 2 months since I've seen them. Adam Clayton looks scarily like Alec Guinness. Crap, I spit out my chips as they show Jenna Elfman standing and applauding. Next song is "One", because it's plastered all over the top of the stage in many languages. Mary J. Blige channels Patti LaBelle and ruins the song.

8:40-something Noted hispster Matt Dillon is out to present the Best Rap Album. Actually, Ludacris helps him out and mentions David Bowie gets one of them there Lifetime Awards. The award goes to Kanye West, who has a shout out to John Legend, and thanks his publicist and says that's a tough job. I laughed.

8:56 Kelly Clarkson sings. Bathroom break.

9:00 Gwen Stefani and Green Day Guy are on stage for Best Rock Album. U2 wins in a big upset, considering they just performed. Tony Bennett applauds. The Edge has a better speech then Bono. Even Bono says, "Good man, the Edge" in the background.

9:08 Ellen comes out. Well, she's been out. It's the Macca, Paul McCartney with his first performance at the Grammys. I think it was 42 years ago this month, that the Beatles appeared on Sullivan. Dave Grohl with affirmation. For the second song, he chooses...Omigod, it's "Helter Skelter"! I almost spit up a Red Vine. Great choice, since they are in L.A. Manson with affirmation.

9:17 Black Eyed Peas and Jennifer Love and her Hewitts are on stage. Chris Blackwell gets a Trustees Award. Guess who wins Best R&B Male Vocal? Why, it's John Legend.

9:26 Mariah Carey is singing. She's had an incredible comeback this year. She celebrates by not wearing any underwear. She has a dude dressed in black in the audience quoting things, perhaps scripture. His robes remind me of the Spanish Inquisition guys from Monty Python.

9:32 Teri Hatcher is wearing underwear, because I can see it. Michael Buble is her escort. I hate the guy and I don't even know who he is. I can tell I hate his music, and I'd give anything to hear Richard Clayderman right now. Pop Vocal Album goes to Kelly Clarkson. Has she changed her outfit? She thanks God and Jesus, who always seems to be on the short end of these things.

9:40 My personal long national nightmare, Jenna Elfman, tells us Owen Bradley wins a Trustees Award and then introduces Keith Urban and Faith Hill. Their songs are OK, but I'd give anything to hear Loretta Lynn right now.

9:47 Chris Brown (who?) and Santana are on stage. Santana mumbles the guy's name who gets a President's Award. Best Rap/Sung Collaboration is "Numb/Encore", now that's what I'm talkin' about. A most excellent choice of what a mash-up should be. Linkin Park Guy talks, Jay-Z declines, but he has the hardware.

9:56 Dave Chappelle comes on and introduces someone who left show business 19 years ago. One of my all-time faves, it's Sly Stone!!! But wait, he's not on stage. Did they call that guy Manhunt, Van Hunt or Mike Hunt? Hey, it's John Legend. Again. And Joss Stone. They sing "Family Affair". Fantasia and some guy join the group for another song. Maroon 5 and Ciara sing "Everyday People". I'm waiting for Cynthia on the horn or Larry Graham to show up. Some guy named Will I Am, not Sam I Am, sings "Dance to the Music". I swear Randy Jackson is playing bass back there. Steven Tyler, Joe Perry, and Robert Randolph absolutely butcher "I Wanna Take You Higher". Here comes Sly! Holy fuck, he has a yellow mohawk and looks like a cross between Antonio Fargas and Scatman Crothers behind his shades. Sly is barely singing. Is he really playing keyboards? It appears his hand is taped or he borrowed the Missing Persons chick's directions to the crack house. OK, now he's leaving. Has he just screwed the Grammys and CBS? Bring on the lawyers. An incredibly bizarre appearance.

10:13 L.L. Cool J. gives a Lifetime Award to Robert Johnson. Then introduces Jay-Z, wearing a Lennon t-shirt, and Linkin Park. Yes. Then the Macca comes out for a little "Yesterday" action. Kinda different.

10:24 Noted rock figure, Tom Hanks (sporting that Da Vinci cut), gives The Weavers a Lifetime Award. He then introduces the Boss, and Steinbrenner comes out and...naw, it's Bruce, dressed in black, with harmonica at the ready, which means I hope this is short. Seven verses later, "Devils and Dust" is over.

10:30 Destiny's Child pops up on stage to unusually tepid applause. Beyonce looks incredible, BTW. Song of the Year goes to U2 for "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own". The producers play a different tune, ha. Bono has the cowboy hat on and thanks his Dad. Nice.

10:36 The Tom Jones "Help Yourself" Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper commercial is on again.

10:39 In a Spike Lee-inspired sequence, Jamie Foxx representing JFU battles Kanye West from KW State in some strange marching band contest. Here comes this year's urban prom outfits. Kanye appears to have the bigger hat. I'll say KW is quite the entertainer. Here come the Gold Digger cheerleaders. Deray comes out with boys representing Broke Phi Broke. James Taylor applauds at the end. Could they have shown a whiter man at that point?

10:46 Newly-single Sheryl Crow and Sting give Cream a Lifetime Award. Record of the Year is a good choice. Green Day with "Boulevard of Broken Dreams".

10:54 Terrence Howard gives Jessye Norman a Lifetime Award. Herbie Hancock tickles the ivories while Christina Aguilera sings the Leon Russell classic, "A Song For You". She still has the chops.

11:05 Fiona Apple, Chuck D and Common give Best New Artist to John Legend. Shocking, as the man has been on only half the program, thus far.

11:08 Dead People Scroll in alphabetical order except for Richard Pryor. Omigod, it's Queen No-Teeth-A, I mean Latifah. Where's my pizza? She gives Richie his Lifetime Award in a rather awkward tribute.

11:17 Bonnie Raitt and noted white man, James Taylor, give a shout out to producer Steve Lillywhite. Engineer Al Schmidt gets a Trustees Award. Album of the Year goes to U2 and Bono gives props to his fellow nominees. Nice.

11:20 The Academy President with a Nawlins tribute, asks for mo' money and says go to New Orleans. This dude said more today than the President of our country one week ago. It's "Yes We Can-Can" with Allan Toussaint, Dr. John and Elvis Costello swapping lead vocals. Next, it's Sam Moore and Springsteen joining the others for "Midnight Hour". A nice finish, with a tribute to the Wicked Pickett.

Meal of Links

This maid cleans real well. Cleans out jewels and other stuff, too.

Jeff Probst becomes the Carlton Fisk of the Reality TV set. "Respect the game."

Who wants to marry me around my birthday? It'll be at ESPN's HQ in Bristol.

Exercise Yard

Uh-oh. The NHL hired the Unabomber prosecutor to investigate the gambling scandal. Hooded men, beware.

Visitor

19 Across: Ray of "GoodFellas" (6 letters) Answer: Liotta