I was gonna do a liveblog of the Oscars, but I thought I might have to stay awake until 3:00 a.m. However, it was surprisingly short, although the Hargrove Rule kicked in. You know, the event must be at least 3 hours long. But I scribbled some notes (perhaps out of order), so here we go:

I watched none of the red carpet festivities.

I miss Jack. The Lakers are on road. WTF?

Let's face it, Chris Rock was hamstrung by the event, but he did OK with what he was allowed to do. But I will never forgive him for that Deacon Jones joke, when it was supposed to be Star Jones. Gap vs. Banana Republic? Ahem, it's the same company.

Renee Zellweger needs to open her eyes, because she's missing the food on her plate.

Morgan Freeman actually said, "Heavens to Murgatroid" before he exited stage left.

Robin Williams, puh-leeze. Just present the award. Clown. The only presenter who is allowed to do shtick. I haven't seen "The Incredibles". "The Replacements" with Keanu, yes, "The Incredibles", no.

The woman helping out on stage is really, really tall. I mean frighteningly tall.

First award in the crowd is for makeup. Katherine Hep...Cate Blanchett with the duties.

French Beyonce is tres bad.

Hey, a stagehand on camera!! Or is that Bin Laden?

Rock at the Magic Johnson Theatre. His best routine of the night. Albert Brooks...still funny.

Scarlett in the balcony with the tech award winners. Wouldn't it be cool if one of them took a header into the audience right now with an arrow in his back? That would be as mesmerizing as the Artest fight.

Pierce Brosnan must have hit the whiskey last night. He cannot speak. Plus, he's presenting with a cartoon.

When did Adam Duritz become Kid of Kid n' Play?



Sandler and Rock together were not funny.

Pacino! He gives the Lifetime Achievement award to the great director, Sidney Lumet. Lots of action here. Hey, Walken is in there from "The Anderson Tapes". Lumet has a great speech, but my God, his daughter has the largest chest of anyone in the building tonight. The whole audience had to a double take, or in this case, a quadruple take, when looking up top toward the balcony. Louis Gossett took this opportunity to catch some Z's on national TV. BTW, Lumet's new movie: Vin Diesel...as a lawyer...with hair. Has to be a comedy.

Beyonce, again. Gotta question for her: "I know some other female singers in here. (Where they at? Where they at?)"

"Comedy legend" Jeremy Irons is actually funny. After a loud bang, he said, "I hope they missed." Nominee faking like he was asleep, unlike Gossett, was classic.

Competition for the Lumet daughter as Salma and her Hayeks appear. With Penelope Cruz at her side!!! Please don't say anything...please don't say anything...please...don't...say...crap!



Antonio Banderas and Carlos Santana sing a song from "The Motorcycle Diaries". Beyonce must have missed her Spanish lesson. Lyrically this song might have been good. I, on the other hand, thought it was mucho bad.

Right now, John Travolta is being overshadowed by that 60-foot helper woman.

Yo-Yo Ma plays a song live over the annual "Roll Call of the Dead". Isn't that like Paul McCartney singing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" to a live audience? Uh, wait a minute. Mickey Rooney, who is in the audience, is visibly relieved that his picture does not come on the big screen.

Beyonce is on again!!! Jee-zus. With Josh Groban. Bathroom break.

Prince, unlike Beyonce, has apparently not studied any foreign languages. OK, number one pet peeve of the Oscars. For years, when very few blacks were in attendance, any time a black person was on stage talking, they showed the other black person(s) in the audience. Now they are doing it with the Spanish. Spanish guy wins for Foreign Film and who do they show? Antonio Banderas and Penelope Cruz. Salma must have been taking her Hayeks out for a walk.

Sean Penn could kill a man. I'm not kidding.



Hilary Swank wins. Thanks her husband. Oscar Scoreboard: Swank 2, Streep 2. If you need it.

It's time for the obligatory, "Well, we couldn't possibly give these films any acting or directing awards, let's throw them the writing awards." bone. To "Sideways" and "Eternal Sunshine...".

Jamie Foxx wins for "Ray". Maybe they can find a way to make "Ray 2". Too bad for Depp, I wanted to see him do a Col. Sanders impression.



Scorsese should have known when he saw the seating arrangements that he was screwed. Clint in front row. Marty, seemingly in Row 6, behind Alan Alda. He must have pissed off the film gods a while back.

Clint's Mom is there. Does she actually know what's happening?

Hoffman and Streisand. An interesting dynamic. The apparently inebriated Hoffman and the incredibly vain diva, Streisand. I'll explain. Obviously the producer of the show thought it a neat idea to reunite these two stars from "Meet the Fockers". After the opening niceties, it is obvious that Streisand does not want to read the nominees. I think Hoffman was hitting the sauce and he didn't think he'd have to do it. He starts and can barely slur "Million Dollar Baby", while having a very choppy delivery with the other nominees. Time for the winner and Streisand conveniently mentions she has forgotten her glasses. Now, if it's considered a coup that you are part of the broadcast, she owes it to the producer to read the damn nominees, regardless of how she looked. This annoyed me to no end.

Shout out to Brooklyn. Over.

Meal of Links

Babs hanging Dustin out to dry at the Oscars.

Jeff Raskin, the creator of the Mac, passes away.

The view of the red carpet from the UK.

Exercise Yard

Manny has new hair again.

Visitor

14 Across: Pitcher Martinez (5 letters) Answer: Pedro